“In order to forget, you must be ready to be forgotten. It’s a two way thing.”

“I had a dream that we met again, for the first time, and things were different. Better.”









































































You are the toaster in my bathtub. You are killing me

“If you’re going to burn bridges, you either learn to swim or you drown.”

Soon this will all be over and you’ll cry for the eternities you’ve lost.”

We break our hearts into pieces and give them away, until they are all gone. And we try to live with the broken hearts and broken souls we are left with. We sacrifice our own happiness to make others smile. But in the process we lose ourselves.

We extinguish the sparks in our eyes and the fire in our bellies in order to fuel the dreams of others.

We are the people who laugh at the end of every sentence and place a smiley face at the end of every text, to make sure our friends don’t think we are mad when we say “I need to go.” We are the people with loud thoughts and quiet voices, refusing to speak our minds at the fear of hurting another’s feelings. We are the people who would give our own life to save a stranger.

The words “I’m sorry” have a home on our lips. Always ready to apologize for something we never did. Because to us, an apology is better than losing the people we care all too much for.

The problem with people like me is that we care too much.

And the problem with people like me is that, deep down, we really don’t care at all.

We spend all our energy breaking our hearts into pieces and scraping our knees and extinguishing the sparks in our eyes to make other people happy that there is nothing left for ourselves.

And when it comes down to it, we really don’t care what happens to us. So long as everyone else is happy.

We care too much about others.
And we don’t care about ourselves at all.

”



bravery requires fear,
and fear is born of loving something enough that its loss would break you.”

“Sometimes it’s all too much; sometimes its not enough. But happy or sad I am learning to be complete and content. This unquenchable longing to experience more and feel everything is no longer an ache in my chest. Its a precipice inside of me, an abyss of opportunity. I know now that I was not before I ever was, and some day I will be no more. I was once dinosaur bones and tree roots. Someday long after my ashes dust the ocean floor, and maybe even long after the earth decays to black holes and comets, I will be stardust. A constant kaleidoscope of beautiful matter, memories and moments. When all of these earthly problems solve themselves and lay to rest, I will return to from where I came, and that gives peace to the storms under my skin. We are all a wonderful, unlikely mixture of what has always been.”

If I’ve learnt anything in 2014, it’s that you should tell people how important they are to you. Not because they could leave at any moment, but because they’re here now, and it’s worth saying something.

Honestly I thought you were like me,
And maybe we’re too alike.
Because I did love you. The person. The soul.
The soul that was beautiful, unsightly, warm, and scarred.
The soul like mine.

But the love we gave each other was damaged; I found both sadness and clarity in the midst of us.
You couldn’t open your arms, because like me, you fear being vulnerable more than being alone.
Like me, you wear translucent smiles to hide the monster beneath.
Yet we both know that behind this monster is a frightened child, needy and confused.

Maybe we were both just scared runaways with nowhere else to turn.

-

You gave me perspective on my shortcomings.
After all, they are the same as yours.

You taught me the meaning of irony.
You said you didn’t want to lose me;
and decided to leave.

Finally, because of you I realized
That I do the exact same thing.

The last time I see my reflection the same way. 
I suppose that’s been a reality for some time now.
Today that reality settles.

Year of lost and found
Year of letting go
Year of loosing sight
Chance at finding hope 

Such a good time
But the hours are spoiled.
I regret my decisions
But the clock won’t stop.

Where do I go from here?

I haven’t seen a friendly face in a few months.
I don’t know how to deal with that.

I won’t let go of those memories
But will they begin to elude me?
Only time will tell.

I should be thankful for what I’ve had, but past tenses make it all seem less special.

The best year of my life
And the worst day

Depart. 

 I don’t know what makes me more sad - the fact that you gave up on me or the fact that I have to give up on you now. 

Some people live for the chase,
but don’t know what to do with themselves when they catch you.

Their first mistake was thinking that love is a game.

“With her, it was all or nothing. She observed you, carefully, thoroughly, and made her choice. She had high standards and a myriad of character tests; but if you made the cut, her love was warm and all-encompassing like a much-needed bath. She made you vulnerable, but she was trustworthy. You could tell her your darkest secrets and deepest wishes without questioning yourself. She cleaned out your wounds with sharp eyes and intuition, and you healed. But eventually you get out of the tub and head out to get dirty again. She was left with a heart half-loved and dirty water.”

I want evenings of intense and fresh intimacy,
the red ridges of their clawing hands on my back still raised,
my lips swollen and sore all of the next morning,
the memories still speeding up my heartbeat
days and weeks later

I want to spend a night in a place that I have never been
laugh and dance to songs that we sing
settle down on our prickly blankets
tell stories and reminisce
look up at the incredibly unreal sky
get hopelessly lost trying to get back home

“

Did I love him? I thought I did. I really thought I did. But…the good things felt wrong. They brought tears of confusion and frustration when they should have brought peace. 
But…when I tried to give him everything, he did not even try to take it from me.
But…I did not write poems about him, I did not pray for him, I did not wish on every. shooting. star. for him. I did not have a record player in my mind repeating every word he said to me. I did not know the colors of his eyes for months after meeting him. I did not want to share my deepest thoughts with him. I always held back…just a little.
I am not sure if I loved him, and I hope I did not. 
I hope that if we only get to fall in love once in this life- true, give-it-all-you’ve-got love, I desperately hope that you, and only you, you precious, wonderful boy, are the one I fall for.

P.S. You have brown eyes.

“Time rolls on, leaving us with nothing but the dreams we’ve already given up on.”

“I sit here with deeper wounds, shallower thoughts, a darker past and a brighter future.”

I have always been in love with you; it just took my mind a moment to catch up with my heart to realize that, that was never going to change.

There are stars that shine so bright. There are stars that fall and die maybe because they can no longer stay at the sky and there are stars that are unseen because their light are not bright enough for people to notice them.'

And then I asked her, ‘Then what kind of star are you?’

She smiled and said, ‘I am the star who remain unnoticed.’

"It felt like heaven when you kissed me so I ignored all the times you put me through hell." 

-you speak like god but you act like the devil  

"I love late night conversations, late night drives, late night snacks, late night showers, everything’s better at night." 

"I’m not the type of person to give up on someone. Yes, sometimes I get really mad and upset so I need a minute to cool off but I’ll never abandon you. I don’t leave people. And I think that’s why it always hurts so bad when people leave me. Because I can’t fathom leaving you"

-But you made leaving me seem effortless 

"There is a difference between kissing someone because they are attractive and kissing someone because words can no longer accurately express your feelings for the person" 

"When you speak I like to listen to you because when you speak it feels like hearing a story about the first time somebody saw the ocean, no matter what you’re saying." 

I can’t promise I’ll never hurt you. Sometimes I will. Sometimes I’ll mean it. But you always have the option to leave. 

I found someone
That could do what you couldn’t.
How cruel of you
To hold it against me. 

I don’t like to think about who you were before you loved me.

The thought of who you’ll be afterwards is just as bad.

I chose to love someone that was bad for me and the world was silent. Now I love someone that could make everything all right. Why won’t you run out of words to say? 

Suddenly it’s easy
To remember the way your clothes fall on your body, 
Like exactly how the sleeves of your shirts
Wrinkle around your elbows
And the smooth expanse of skin
Right above the second button of your flannel.
You’re angles and shapes,
And now you’re art. 

Committed to Memory

"We get so worried about being pretty. Let’s be pretty kind. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Pretty strong."


"I’d cut my soul into a million different pieces just to form a constellation to light your way home. I’d write love poems to the parts of yourself you can’t stand. I’d stand in the shadows of your heart and tell you I’m not afraid of your dark."

"I act and react, and suddenly I wonder, ‘Where is the girl that I was last year? Two years ago? What would she think of me now?’"


"I want to be independent. To meet interesting people. … I just mean new people with clever things to say. Things I’ve never heard before. I want to be free. Open to whatever adventure comes along and sweeps me off my feet."



"Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here."

"She moved on and I feel sorry for you, because she overlooked your flaws, your temper, your selfishness, your inability to love anyone but yourself. She could have anyone in the world, but she still chose you every time. All you are now is a crease in her past, a scar on her chest, a memory that fades faster than a photograph of you in a sealed box, hidden. Maybe now she will fight for someone who loves her, instead of someone who sucks the life out of her, never satisfied, even with her beating heart in his greedy hands."

If you’re a guy who likes looking at pictures of naked girls but loses respect for a girl if she posts a naked picture of herself, you can get lost

"Date someone who meets you half way. Date someone who brings you a glass a water when they get themselves one. Date someone who makes sure you don’t spend money on ridiculous things. Date someone your ex hates and your mom loves. Date someone who’d rather spend a Friday night watching movies, than out with 50 people they barely even talk to. Date someone who sleeps on your chest and leaves a little puddle of drool. Don’t date someone who makes you leave oceans of tears."

- At the end of the day it’s the little things.

And how cruel of you
To be right here beside me 
And leave me all alone. 

“Heartbreak hurts the most when you think it’s your fault.

 Once everyone knows your name, they’ll listen to everything you have to say. "

 She lost him but she found herself and that was everything. "

“

Don’t fall in love with me. I’m a wildfire. A single touch from me can burn you. Stay a little longer and you’ll turn into dust.

Don’t fall in love with me. I’m an ocean. My waves will crush you down. Come closer and you’ll get soaked with my love and I won’t even care if you drown.

Don’t fall in love with me. I’m as unpredictable as the weather. One minute I’m a calm cloud who’ll bring light to your day. And the next second, I’m a thundering storm who’ll destroy everything that comes in my way.

”

—  Don’t fall in love with me // 

“it’s the way you say my name. 
as if you’ve missed my name for eternities. the way you roll it around, waiting for me to turn and look up. as if you always carry my name at the tip of your tongue, in good and bad. the way you let it settle before hitting my ears, as if each time you say it, you have missed me even more than the last. the way you say it, i hear red and see blue all at once. 
and all i want to turn and say is, ‘i love you too’”

—  i do too (34/365) // b.d.

she is not indebted to you, whether you have known her for five minutes or seven years or a lifetime. she never was and she never will be.

perhaps it was that you have not learnt to respect those that respect you 

so i stand here at 3:00 am, listening to my heart ache. it tells me to call you. it tells me that you’ll still be awake and your soft breathing shall comfort the depths of my souls where my ghosts seem to haunt my thoughts. but the last time i called you at 3 am, our voices did not seem to understand each other. you were speaking a language that i could not comprehend. 

it is 3:30 am and my flight is being announced. as i stand in line to board the plane, i think about you one last time. quickly and quietly. as if i keep you on my mind for too long, it starts spinning. if i think about you too loudly, my body starts aching. 

it is 4:00 am and the flight attendant kindly requests us to switch off our phones. shaking of my sudden sickness for you, i touch my home button to check my screen one last time.

one message
‘hey. i miss you. call me sometime?’ 

but it’s too late, i am gone, you are left. life is whole.

my heart held a funeral to bury your love
turns out you did not want to be buried
you wanted to be burnt. 

no wonder my heart has been aflame

we could have a small loft in a city we love. and late saturday mornings with coffee and pancakes. and dates at all the little coffee shops. and a photoshoot at christmas under the lights. and cereal and milk for dinner. and blue balloons and hugs at midnight. and chocolate, lots of chocolate. and rainy days we could watch our favorite movies and drink hot chocolate. and suddenly, with this idea in mind life seems much brighter.

you were my destination,
but i was just another path
and that was our difference

so this is what goodbye tastes like. like the stinging tears that you try to hold back as your heart tries to make sense and fails. like the despair that leaps up to your throat, choking you, holding back words as you try to spell out “don’t leave.” like the messy thoughts that you can barely put into sentences. like the way your hands tremble and your soul shakes as you realize that they were already long gone before goodbye was even said. like the nightmares that woke you up when you were five and there were monsters under your bed. like the memories that play through your mind as goodbye echoes through your entire existence. 
this is what goodbye tastes like.

why i refuse to say goodbye 

because tomorrow when the sun rises again, i’ll still be here, but you’ll be long gone.

you have a habit of forgetting, 
and i have a habit of forgiving.
now we are both, 
forgiven 
and 
forgotten.


in between 
what could’ve 
been, and
what is, 
we have been lost.


i look for your familiar silhouette
in unfamiliar places
but
i can never seem to find you
partially because
you have become an unfamiliar silhouette 
in familiar places

what they were, they knew

what they could’ve been,

they will never know







There are 
no anchors 
heavier 
than people”

“I’d sleep forever if I knew you’d be in all my dreams.”

“Tell me that you care one more time, I fucking dare you.”

"I know what we once had was love and not you, her or anybody can ever take that away from me."

I can’t wait for the day when you come across an old photograph, or maybe just reminiscing, and you realize what you did. And some part of me hopes you’ll be filled with regret."

"Pinned her up against the wall because she’s a masterpiece"

"You’re just another person from my past , and it’s time I leave you there"

"He tasted like summer, but our story was winter."

She gave herself to boys that didn’t matter because she was trying to forget the only one who did"

"I wish you would just pick up the phone and fucking call me. Explain it just one time. No matter what you say, you can’t hurt me any more than you already have."

"Even before you touched me, 
I belonged to you; all you had to do
was look at me."

She won’t reply for hours and sometimes you won’t see her for a week. You will take this personally. Don’t. She’s simply taking care of herself and she’ll tell you how much she missed you while she was away.

She’ll get very jealous. My god, she gets so jealous. Those brown eyes will turn a deep green. She hates that about herself, and she doesn’t mean to do it. Remember, she loves you. Reassure her that you love her too.

On that topic, she needs constant reassurance. Tell her you love her and mean it. If you can’t do that, leave. She deserves more than that.

There will be nights when she goes out and drinks a little too much. She’ll call you to bring her home. When you do, she’ll try to keep you up all night by tickling you and repeating “I love you and I’m sorry I’m annoying.” She’s not annoying. But make sure she has plenty of water and don’t let her pass out until she drinks it, or she will be miserable in the morning.

She is the most independent woman I know. But she’s so insecure, it still breaks my heart. So when she starts an argument with “you don’t love me.” Do not get upset. Remind her you do and the reasons why. She’ll come around.

Make her tea and remember the way she takes her coffee. She will notice.

When she’s having an anxiety attack, wrap her up in your arms and rub her back. Tell her she’s safe and remind her that she has medication if she needs it.

If you cannot treat her like royalty, let someone else. That girl deserves the world.

Losing her is a pain you will never shake. Your world will come crashing down on you and those pieces won’t ever fit the way they used to. Don’t let her go.

She will love you with all she’s got. Please give her the same.
I am begging you to not hurt her. She is golden. Don’t let that shine die out.

Give her your all and she’ll return the favor. You will never have to ask the universe for anything ever again.

— Sincerely, a name you’ll hear in passing

"


"In the end, I was only hurting myself because I couldn’t hurt you."

i do not chase people

i do not chase men, and i do not chase friends

hell, i don’t even chase family

i’m here, and i’m important

i’m not running after people to prove that i matter

 I thought I was something special to you, but, you’re just a chain smoker and I was just another pack of cigarettes. 

You’re all I wanted, you’re all that I wanted, you said it first. You said you wanted me first. I hate you, I hate you because I can’t hate you.

 Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so. 

 You loved this boy but the timing wasn’t right and things fell apart and you miss him so much you just want another chance to love him again but you’re scared and he doesn’t love you anymore and it’s all a mess and you lay in bed and try to find a reason to get up. 

But you can’t fucking find one. 

 pretending it doesn’t hurt
is what hurts the most 

 Dreams won’t come looking for you. That’s why you have to chase them. Pursue them, until they become reality then hold on tightly. 

 He said, "I’m sorry I ruined you." Then he left. 

 I was his lesson of what not to do. I hope he’s practicing what he learned with you.