“In order to forget, you must be ready to be forgotten. It’s a two way thing.”

I had a dream that we met again, for the first time, and things were different. Better.

and the only way I can love you is from afar.     - things I told my diary about you

The Once and Future King

who am i kidding, i am not over you at all.

i realized that no matter how much i wish you were mine, you do not love me; so i wrote this letter, mainly to myself, as a reminder that maybe it’s my fault for loving you so much that it hurts.

You are the toaster in my bathtub. You are killing me

If you’re going to burn bridges, you either learn to swim or you drown.

Soon this will all be over and you’ll cry for the eternities you’ve lost.

We break our hearts into pieces and give them away, until they are all gone. And we try to live with the broken hearts and broken souls we are left with. We sacrifice our own happiness to make others smile. But in the process we lose ourselves.
We extinguish the sparks in our eyes and the fire in our bellies in order to fuel the dreams of others.
We are the people who laugh at the end of every sentence and place a smiley face at the end of every text, to make sure our friends don’t think we are mad when we say “I need to go.” We are the people with loud thoughts and quiet voices, refusing to speak our minds at the fear of hurting another’s feelings. We are the people who would give our own life to save a stranger.
The words “I’m sorry” have a home on our lips. Always ready to apologize for something we never did. Because to us, an apology is better than losing the people we care all too much for.
The problem with people like me is that we care too much.
And the problem with people like me is that, deep down, we really don’t care at all.
We spend all our energy breaking our hearts into pieces and scraping our knees and extinguishing the sparks in our eyes to make other people happy that there is nothing left for ourselves.
And when it comes down to it, we really don’t care what happens to us. So long as everyone else is happy.
We care too much about others.
And we don’t care about ourselves at all.

bravery requires fear,
and fear is born of loving something enough that its loss would break you.”

“Sometimes it’s all too much; sometimes its not enough. But happy or sad I am learning to be complete and content. This unquenchable longing to experience more and feel everything is no longer an ache in my chest. Its a precipice inside of me, an abyss of opportunity. I know now that I was not before I ever was, and some day I will be no more. I was once dinosaur bones and tree roots. Someday long after my ashes dust the ocean floor, and maybe even long after the earth decays to black holes and comets, I will be stardust. A constant kaleidoscope of beautiful matter, memories and moments. When all of these earthly problems solve themselves and lay to rest, I will return to from where I came, and that gives peace to the storms under my skin. We are all a wonderful, unlikely mixture of what has always been.”

If I’ve learnt anything in 2014, it’s that you should tell people how important they are to you. Not because they could leave at any moment, but because they’re here now, and it’s worth saying something.

Honestly I thought you were like me,
And maybe we’re too alike.
Because I did love you. The person. The soul.
The soul that was beautiful, unsightly, warm, and scarred.
The soul like mine.
But the love we gave each other was damaged; I found both sadness and clarity in the midst of us.
You couldn’t open your arms, because like me, you fear being vulnerable more than being alone.
Like me, you wear translucent smiles to hide the monster beneath.
Yet we both know that behind this monster is a frightened child, needy and confused.
Maybe we were both just scared runaways with nowhere else to turn.
You gave me perspective on my shortcomings.
After all, they are the same as yours.
You taught me the meaning of irony.
You said you didn’t want to lose me;
and decided to leave.
Finally, because of you I realized
That I do the exact same thing.

The last time I see my reflection the same way. 
I suppose that’s been a reality for some time now.
Today that reality settles.

Year of lost and found
Year of letting go
Year of loosing sight
Chance at finding hope 

Such a good time
But the hours are spoiled.
I regret my decisions
But the clock won’t stop.

Where do I go from here?

I haven’t seen a friendly face in a few months.
I don’t know how to deal with that.

I won’t let go of those memories
But will they begin to elude me?
Only time will tell.

I should be thankful for what I’ve had, but past tenses make it all seem less special.

The best year of my life
And the worst day


 I don’t know what makes me more sad - the fact that you gave up on me or the fact that I have to give up on you now. 

Some people live for the chase,
but don’t know what to do with themselves when they catch you.
Their first mistake was thinking that love is a game.

“With her, it was all or nothing. She observed you, carefully, thoroughly, and made her choice. She had high standards and a myriad of character tests; but if you made the cut, her love was warm and all-encompassing like a much-needed bath. She made you vulnerable, but she was trustworthy. You could tell her your darkest secrets and deepest wishes without questioning yourself. She cleaned out your wounds with sharp eyes and intuition, and you healed. But eventually you get out of the tub and head out to get dirty again. She was left with a heart half-loved and dirty water.”

I want evenings of intense and fresh intimacy,
the red ridges of their clawing hands on my back still raised,
my lips swollen and sore all of the next morning,
the memories still speeding up my heartbeat
days and weeks later
I want to spend a night in a place that I have never been
laugh and dance to songs that we sing
settle down on our prickly blankets
tell stories and reminisce
look up at the incredibly unreal sky
get hopelessly lost trying to get back home


Did I love him? I thought I did. I really thought I did. But…the good things felt wrong. They brought tears of confusion and frustration when they should have brought peace. 
But…when I tried to give him everything, he did not even try to take it from me.
But…I did not write poems about him, I did not pray for him, I did not wish on every. shooting. star. for him. I did not have a record player in my mind repeating every word he said to me. I did not know the colors of his eyes for months after meeting him. I did not want to share my deepest thoughts with him. I always held back…just a little.
I am not sure if I loved him, and I hope I did not. 
I hope that if we only get to fall in love once in this life- true, give-it-all-you’ve-got love, I desperately hope that you, and only you, you precious, wonderful boy, are the one I fall for.
P.S. You have brown eyes.

“Time rolls on, leaving us with nothing but the dreams we’ve already given up on.”

I sit here with deeper wounds, shallower thoughts, a darker past and a brighter future.

I have always been in love with you; it just took my mind a moment to catch up with my heart to realize that, that was never going to change.

There are stars that shine so bright. There are stars that fall and die maybe because they can no longer stay at the sky and there are stars that are unseen because their light are not bright enough for people to notice them.'
And then I asked her, ‘Then what kind of star are you?’
She smiled and said, ‘I am the star who remain unnoticed.’

Brak komentarzy:

Prześlij komentarz