Just because I didn’t beg for you doesn’t mean I didn’t want you to stay." // We looked at each other a little too long to be ‘just friends’. // I wanted us to be a great love story. We weren’t. You were bored. And I was lonely.

We are strangers in a strange time.

I liked you long before she even noticed you.

I was too blind to see

Too in love to feel

I thought I was free

Only I wasn’t even me

The higher I flew

The harder I fell

The stronger I fought

The weakest I got

Maybe I’m wrong 

Maybe I’m lost

I wanted you so bad

I drove myself mad

"September: I didn’t have anything to give you but myself. That must be why you left.
October: You couldn’t love me, and I am so tired of blaming myself for something neither of us could control.
November: You asked me to be with you. I should’ve asked you if that meant you would never leave me."

"June: I don’t think this is worth anything anymore, but you were everything to me.
July: We were never meant to be forever, but we should have been so much more than this.
August: I would have done everything for you. It was clear you didn’t want anything from me."

"March: You are kind and cruel, beautiful and hideous. You are more than I deserve.
April: I am not sure if I am worthy of your love. But God, I’m trying to be.
May: I will never forget the brown of your skin stretched over 

"December: It doesn’t snow here. You make me miss things I never had.
January: You missed my birthday again. I’m sorry I keep getting older.
February: You shouldn’t have kissed me. I could’ve kept pretending I didn’t love you."

 I really want to text you and tell you I miss you, but I’m fucking scared of your response or that there will be none at all

I was the one who loved you even when you gave me thousands of reasons not to.

Even before you touched me, I belonged to you; all you had to do was look at me.

Never get rid of the person who understands you more than anyone else.

We almost made it.
I almost called you “mine,”
And you almost called me “yours.”

I think we almost loved each-other.

But the only thing I was sure about is that
almost
wasn’t good enough.

Don’t look back when you know you shouldn’t.

I’m sitting here with butterflies in my stomach because I’m about to see you. I know it’s a cliché but you make me feel like a little kid again, you make me happy.

One day, 
Your eyes changed -
They were no longer
The color of my future.

Your real first love will make you realize that your first love wasn’t really your first love.

When is a monster not a monster?
Oh, when you love it.

For every time I gave a fuck, that fuck, fucked me over.

I need you, and I never need anyone.

You told me to trust you but I’m still coughing up water from the last time you let me drown.

it seems as though
i’ve loved you
for longer 
than i can remember.
certainly,
longer 
than i’ve known you.
maybe,
even longer
than i’ve known myself.

maybe you need to feel
you’re falling, falling, falling
into the abyss,
in order to dare
spread your wings

with you i learned
that
the meaning of things
is entirely mine
to give -
a kiss can be just a kiss
or a beginning of a dream.

the thing is -
i wish there was a way
for us
to be on the same page.

– m.v., i wish we both thought that closed eyes mean love.

to you
i seem lost 
because
you cannot see
the path I am on;
the map of my life
is written in my palms,
it lights up only 
for my eyes.'

 we forget things too easily. 

what if
once we’re dead
we get presented with a book
of all the things 
we didn’t say?
would yours be
filled with
regrets?

For me
Night doesn’t fall -
It crashes
Under the weight
Of things unsaid,
Things I buried
During the day.

Some people,
When they kiss
Don’t think about
How much they’ll miss
The other person’s lips.
Some people
just kiss.

You are 
The quiet
Between the notes.
You are in
Every
Single
Song.

like warm breath
on cool glass - 
we will fade
tonight.

i still miss you, but sometimes i forget. 

 I met someone new. i hate that i like him. i hate that he makes me laugh. i hate that you’d think he’s a great guy.

even your
mistakes
are your
choices

We went from
maybe 
To 
could have been 
In a single kiss.

Love is supposed to be more than endings.

You never told me I was beautiful,
You didn’t need to.
You looked at my lips,
You kissed my eyelids,
And you said -
How does anyone, ever, say no to this face?

And you said yes,
To every important question I ever had.

I wonder
if winter and spring
will forever
taste like
your lips?

I have other people, I do, people I can call, and ask for advice, people who make me laugh and who I can text in the middle of the night. I have friends, and I have family and I have people I love and who love me. But when it’s 3am and I can’t sleep, because I’m thinking about our last kiss I don’t want any of them. I have other people. But I want you. God help me, but I want you. And I may even need you.

When you miss them,
When you hear that song,
In that cafe,
When you smell their perfume
On someone else,
When you see their smile
On an unfamiliar face,
What you feel isn’t sadness -
It’s nostalgia,
A moment when you wish,
You could travel back
To a perfect memory.

It isn’t sadness -
It’s your mind playing tricks,
It’s your heart trying to heal.

– m.v., Words I wish were real.

Life doesn’t have
The luxury of perfection,
That, my dear,
Is the domain of
Memories.

When I just met you,
I thought the way you cut yourself off for days was…
Beautiful,
The way you wanted solitude,
The way you craved it,
The way you lived it-
I thought it
Was brave,
Until one day I realized it was just an
Escape,
A way to hide
From having to feel love.

– m.v., Leaving is the easy part.

The first time I met you,
I had this image of us sitting in a cafe, one of those artsy cafés with booths and coffee that tastes a little bit like ash and music that we wish we’d heard of,
On a Saturday morning, because I’ve always liked Saturdays and mornings are clean slates and you, you were new, you were fresh,
And we’d both be reading,
Our own, worn-out-margins-covered-in-our-own-words copies of The Catcher in the Rye,
You’d look at me, suddenly, and tell me-
That with me you feel a little bit like you’re falling off a cliff,
And you no longer understand Holden -
And I would know
Exactly
What you mean.

I wanted us to have the kind of love where falling off a cliff no longer seemed scary,
I wanted us to outgrow Holden on a powder blue Saturday morning,
But we never got there,
We were too afraid,
We didn’t trust each other to be The Catcher.

– m.v., With you I learned why we fear cliffs.

There are some people, sometimes one, a few if we’re lucky who keep coming back into our lives. After periods of absence, periods of drought, they seamlessly make their way back into the fabric of our everyday. Don’t fight it. Don’t waste your time trying to push them out. Instead, try and figure out where they fit in, because maybe, the reason they keep leaving is that they don’t know how to stay, they don’t know which role in your life to play. Try and re-cast them.

I was wrong for so long, I forgot what it was like to be right.

I’ll never love anyone the way I loved you-
Dear God I hope that’s true,
I hope,
To never again
Feel a love so desperate,
So hungry for
Love, itself.

Or my sentences too long.
It wasn’t that my hair was blue,
And my mascara smudged,
It wasn’t that my laugh was too loud,
And my voice too quiet.

No,
It was that I didn’t apologize
For the things you didn’t like.

I wore my skirts with pride,
And fired my sentences at warp speed,
I died my hair blue again, then green,
I let my mascara ghost my eyes
And I laughed, laughed, laughed,
And sometimes - I just stayed quiet.

No,
What really bothered you
Weren’t the imperfections,
It was the confidence that let me love them,
It was the independence that let me embrace them,
It was the strength that let me be who I am.

You didn’t mind that my voice was quiet,
You minded that I didn’t stutter.

– m.v., What you meant when you said I ‘wasn’t built to be a girlfriend’ 

One day,
I will come into a crowded room
And I will not look for your face,
My heart will not sink
When the person I thought was you
Turns out to be a stranger.

– m.v., How do you see yourself in five years? 

It’s time to let go
When you can 
No longer remember
What you’re fighting for.

For some people,
Giving, giving, giving
Isn’t scary -
I guess they have plenty
Of love to give.
Or maybe,
What they’re giving
Is different than what I feel;
Maybe their love
Doesn’t feel
Like the universe -
Collapsing and expanding
In their veins,
Like galaxies
Exploding in their chest.

Maybe for some people,
Love isn’t wildfire,
But a quiet flame.

– m.v., Some people get burnt, I burn out.

Sometimes,
Love is 
The loneliest feeling.

Alice fell down the rabbit hole
Exactly 147 years ago.
What would have happened
If she never found a way back?
How many souls are stuck
In Wonderland,
Waiting to wake up?
How many souls are lost?
How many stories untold?

How do you get someone out of the song you love? How do you listen to The Smiths and not think about them, how do you not remember?
How do you read the books they love and not try and figure out what made those words special? How do you read the books you love and not look for them in the spaces between the lines? 
How do you get to a place where you don’t want to tell them about that amazing pizza place you discovered, and yes, by-the-way, I stumbled upon a pub you’d love, and yes I still prefer cider to beer.
How do you let someone go completely? How do you go from pretending to not need them, and want them and crave them, to actually being OK?
How do you get to a place where May is just another month and not a mausoleum for shared heartbeats? 
How do you move on?
When does it happen?

Some games you just can’t win.
So either surrender,
or change the game.

I keep coming back to you,
but it’s not for love,
it’s for pain-
I want you to hurt me,
over and over again,
until leaving feels like survival
and not a quiet death.

You shouldn’t have to compete
for anyone’s love;
it is not a prize
for looking right,
or thinking right, 
or speaking right;
you shouldn’t have to earn
anyone’s love
by changing who you are. 

That isn’t love
that is sacrifice.

I don’t think
we ever fall out of love,
we just fall in love more
with other people.

So I guess
I will love you forever,
but I hope it will fade
as I learn to love 
someone else.

Don’t you dare
blame me
for trusting the words
you wanted me to believe.

– m.v., I didn’t get hurt, you hurt me. 

1. Why wasn’t it me?
2. Give me a song that will make it better.
3. I miss talking to you. You’d probably be a dick now and give me crap for being drunk. It’s weird that I miss that. It’s weird. Right?
4. I reread the story. Not for you I was just curious. I think that maybe his father was gay. I want to write to him and ask if that’s why the banana. Maybe tomorrow. Then I could tell you. OK. Maybe I reread it for you.
5. I slept with someone else. 
6. You were right. I should stop drinking. 
7. She’s cute. Your type. I hope you’re happy. And no, I’m not drunk.
8. I wish I had the guts to call you.
9. I’m sorry. I don’t really know what for, it’s all a blur now, and I’m still angry, but if it brings you back, I’m sorry for everything. Even the crap you did. 
10. I wonder if your eyes would still have the same effect on me now. I think they might, but I don’t know how. I feel like a completely different person. 
11. I wish I had your number.
12. I got your number back. But I have nothing left to say.

You send
her
the songs
I 
played for
you.

My sentences are long, with no end and no beginning. My jokes are corny. I eat ice cream out of a tub and love left-over pizza. I mix vodka and tequila even though I know better. My hair is always a mess, and there is always smudged mascara somewhere on my face. All of my white shirts have stains. I can’t walk in heels, but I wear them anyway. I have strong opinions. I am passionate. I am stubborn. My will doesn’t bend easily. I am indecisive and a little bit lost. I seek comfort in books - I don’t trust people, I like music more than I like to talk. I have good days and bad days, and stay-all-day-in-bed days. I have dreams, and hopes and problems. I am chaos. I am a person. I am not a love interest. I am not a poorly written character your character helps define. I am not a line in a poem - I am the poet. I do not strive to be liked, I want to be loved. And if you can’t love me with my flaws you don’t deserve my love, for it too - is flawed.

– m.v., It wasn’t me, it was you. 

Just because 
someone broke your heart
doesn’t mean
you didn’t break theirs,
it also doesn’t mean
they no longer care.

I can tell
you’re afraid
by how
you’re pushing
me away.

– m.v., I’m afraid too. 

Some relationships are like stepping on board a train you know is going to wreck. And it’s not an instinct, or a gut feeling, it’s knowing - plain and simple, because you’ve been here before and you’ve done this before, and you just know. And still, you step on. Because you’d rather spend a little while holding that person’s hand, pretending you won’t wreck, than spend a lifetime yearning; yearning for bruises on your wrists, left by someone who tried to hold on, yearning for broken bones in your spidery fingers from trying to keepthem close as the world spun out of control. Sometimes, we don’t hope to leave unscathed and unscarred, we pray the pain will be worth the love.

I got my old number back. You don’t know. I haven’t told you. And yet, somehow, against all odds I catch myself hoping you’ll call. And it’s silly and pathetic and I know, I know that. But I catch myself hoping anyway. I think that maybe, you’re looking at your phone right now, just like me, and 3am scares you just as much, because staying up until dawn is no longer the exception, and maybe, just maybe you’re as lonely, as lost as me. Perhaps you, too, realized that we made a mistake, perhaps you, too, regret giving me space. But you never make the call, and neither do I - because it’s 3am, and maybe you’re asleep, and not at all lonely, and maybe, and this is the scariest one, the one that keeps me up until dawn - maybe you don’t think we made a mistake, maybe letting me in is the only regret you have.

– m.v., I need to know that you don’t hate me.

The problem was-
you saw me as something to be won,
and I saw you as something to be lost.

– m.v., We were both wrong

In some ways,
you were my first,
and in some,
you were my last-
with you I learned
how not to love.

Today,
I didn’t miss you
for the first time
in a while.
I was too busy
living life.

– m.v., But now I’ve taken a moment to indulge.

If they missed me, they’d call… See, no! You miss them. You miss them so much that sometimes you think you’ve seen them on the street, and you turn around, your heart beating wildly in your chest, drumming in your ears, and it turns out it’s just someone with a similar hat. And sometimes it seems like they’re calling your name, and you turn around, but no, it’s a different couple and really it’s not their voice and not your name, but it’s what love sounds like and you miss the sound of love. And sometimes you stay awake because you keep trying to stop your mind from wondering what they’re doing and if they miss your presence as much as you miss theirs. And then it’s 3am, and you’ve been staring at their number, the one you wrote on a torn-up piece of paper before deleting it from your phone, you stare at it - and you don’t call. Not because you don’t miss them, but because missing them is like missing a part of your being, and the potency of that scares you; how much it hurts scares you. And the thing is - you’re just starting to do better and the thought of going back, of having to go through missing them all over again terrifies you. Don’t think you’re alone in this, just because you’re lonely. There’s probably two of you out there, trying to escape from ground zero with as little damage as possible. There’s probably two of you, struggling to stay away, because just like you, they did care.

– m.v., What I learned from the 100 phone calls I never made.

 The problem is-

all of my dreams
are memories.

– m.v., I still spend my nights with you

We said
one too many goodbyes
We walked away
one too many times.

Our goodbyes were never final,
they were just a way for us to love-
they were promises we’d made,
so we’d have something to break,
they were a way to walk away,
in order to find each other again,
they were moments of pain so bad
that what we had always seemed better.
I never thought that one day
goodbye would be the last time and the last place,
I never thought we’d get lost on our way back,
I never thought our ending would be so quiet.

Sometimes - I still wake up at 3 am,
breathless,
and think, for a blissful moment-
It’s just another break,
and then, I shatter.

– m.v., It was meant to be an interlude

I cared,
And I’m sorry
I ever let you
Wonder.

– m.v., Winning a battle lost me the war

1. Falling in love with someone’s mind takes time.
2. Sometimes the only right answer is an answer. Silence can break a heart as easily as words.
3. Never rush a kiss.
4. You know you’re starting to fall in love with someone when you want to hold their hand. Even if it’s just a couple of entangled fingers.
5. Read books cover-to-cover, because sometimes all it takes is one line and greatness is usually well beneath the surface.
6. People will try to change you. Sometimes for you, sometimes for them. Know the difference. Trust yourself to know the difference.
7. Sometimes sex is awkward. You have to be able to laugh about it. Laugh until it’s mind-blowingly-amazing.
8. Life isn’t about winning. (Losing at strip poker can be pretty fun.)
9. You are capable of hurting someone far more than you realized.
10. Letting go takes two people.
11. Some people will see right through your armor. That takes time and effort. Appreciate it.
12. People can break you. Only you can heal you.
13. Liking the taste of beer on someone’s lips doesn’t equal liking beer, it equals liking them a whole lot more than you’re willing to admit. But order that beer. And another. One more. It might make your walls crumble for long enough to let you realize how you feel; or letthem see.
14. Some conversations can only be had if you’re sitting across from each other.
15. Sometimes a kiss tells you what you don’t want to hear.
16. Falling out of love with someone’s mind takes time. But it’s OK to lie to yourself and pretend it was all about the eyes. For a little while.
17. Moving on takes time. It takes patience and self-love. There isn’t a cosmic sign, or a moment of epiphany, you won’t wake up feeling different one morning. Order a beer once in a while. Take a sip. Close your eyes. What does the taste tell you?

– m.v., Things I learned from loving a boy and letting him go

It’s not just a song-
It was a beginning,
It was that night
And your arms wrapped around me,
It was kisses and swollen lips,
Whispers between entangled sheets,
It was us, before we grew apart,
It was the good times.
And now-
It’s a memory that bleeds,
As I wrap my arms around my knees,
As I kiss the scars on my wrists,
As I whisper the lyrics,
It’s us, in the aftermath,
It’s the lost times.

I learned with you-
we can never have people;
the most we can do
is love them for a little while,
and hope they love us too.

– m.v., the infinite list of things to remember #2

We burned each other,
We turned love into ash.

– m.v., I miss playing with fire

It’s true - the more you let people in, the easier it becomes for them to hurt you. But it also becomes easier for them to make you smile, make you laugh, wipe your tears away when you cry. Let people in your life. Give them time. Give them attention. Give them love. Not so that they can give it back, but because giving love is how you’ll learn to receive love. And you deserve love. 

I hope that one day,
When the dust settles
And we meet again
You’ll look at me and see
Your biggest regret.

– m.v., You should have made me stay

I drop my phone,
For the 10th time tonight,
Because if I called
I’d say I miss you,
But I can’t go back,
And you’d say-
I can’t either.
And then, we’d be quiet,
And I’d listen to your breaths
Until the line went dead,
And tomorrow-
I’d want to do it all again.

– m.v., Addicted

I knew we were over,
Before we ended.
We fought,
And I was sitting
Outside, alone,
At that party-
Hoping you’d come
And find me.
You never came
And then one day-
I just stopped waiting,
I walked away
And we faded,
We ended.

– m.v., Almost a love poem

They say it takes
21 days
To break a bad habit.
Today is day 22-
And you’re still
The first thing I think of
When I wake up in the morning;
The last thing on my mind
Before I go to sleep,
And the single most recurring thought
That haunts me in between.

– Maybe 23

I spend
every waking moment
trying to
convince myself
that-
what we had
wasn’t worth the pain
-I fail.
-I’d do it all again.

What if we never end?
What if we’re forever?
But not in a fairytale way,
what if
this,
us,
the way we are right now
is how we stay forever?
What if twenty years from now
you’re still looking for something
in girls that mean nothing,
and I’m still trying to build a home
in boys with your voice,
and every now and again
we meet
and make a mistake
only to go back
to lives that seem perfect.
What if forty years from now
my kids ask me if I’ve ever been in love
and the first thing that comes to mind
is your name,
but see, they won’t have your eyes,
or your smile
and so I’ll lie the way I do now,
and I’ll call you after midnight, my time,
and ask you to tell me what dawn looks like.
And what if sixty years from now
we meet again,
wrinkled and grey,
in our cafe,
and we realize that the mistakes
were the best choices we ever made?
What if sixty years from now is too late?
What if our forever
is running away
just to find a way back?
What if right now,
we’re writing the forever?

– m.v., What if…

I used to miss
Your touches,
Now I miss
Your thoughts.

If only,
The reality
Had been
As perfect
As memories,
We’d still 
Have the
Night kisses
Instead of
Lonely dreams.

I can’t 
let you go,
and
I can’t 
let you in.
Baby, 
we
exist
only in the
in-between.

You are
Absent.
Gone.
A quiet, broken
Smile.
Breath between the
Heartbeats.
A memory.
Alive in
Me.

I find you in silences
Of my favorite songs,
In between the lines
Of the books I love,
In the aftermath
Of tears I don’t cry.
I find you,
Just traces,
In the lost pieces,
Pieces of me.

– Absence

I want to be
Your choice.
Not,
Your fate.

I hate that
I remember 
Your kisses
Better than
I remember
My tears.

I want to
Forget the nights.
But then,
What would I
Spend my days
Remembering?

We don’t end,
We fade,
Until we
Begin again.

I think we must be
In love with lust,
Because darling,
What we have,
Is too broken 
To be love.

I go through conversations,
In my head,
Pour over details,
Look for meaning,
In your kisses,
Trace my lips
With shaky fingertips.
I remember words,
And what was unsaid,
I remember remembering,
Now, as well.
I look for signs of trouble,
But all I find is
Fallible love.

I chase ideas like brilliant fireflies. I think you were and idea.