stop being rude and start being nude

i always change my mind about everything except the password i have been using since i was 10

if im ever talking to multiple people at once they all seem to stop replying at the same time how does that work do they do it on purpose

there are some people who i would love to talk to for hours and then other people who i would set a pack of wolves on to rip their voice boxes out

if i have my headphones in there is a 106% chance i’m not listening to you

the only reason I would want to have a kid is so I get an extra present in between Christmas and my birthday

how many times is it appropriate to say ‘what’ before you nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said

a real best friend is always there for you but more importantly to immediately clear your internet history if you suddenly die

when i meet a new person i’m scared of mentioning something they haven’t already told me but i’ve learned from internet stalking them

penis

penisn’t

i don’t understand why parents say ‘i’m very disappointed in you’ like i don’t care i’m very disappointed that mcdonalds doesn’t deliver but u don’t hear me complaining about it

have you ever been in class and a teacher asks another kid an answer for a question and you are like 500% sure you have the right answer, but then the kid reads out something completely different to what you had and its right and you’re wrong and then you start questioning where you went wrong and then start questioning your whole existence and where did the world come from

A woman’s body is not for you. If she wants to cover it, she should feel free and safe in doing so. If she wants to expose it, she should feel free and safe in doing so. It is not an indication of her self-respect, but an indication of her preferences for whatever reasons she chooses — none of which are your business or concern.

"

1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.
   
   2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. 
   
   3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
   
   4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else. 
   
   5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
   
   6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
   
   7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
   
   8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
   
   9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
   
   10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
   
   11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
   
   12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
   
   14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. 
   
   15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
   
   16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.

"

“It’s true what they say, that everyone dies alone, and it’s also true that every writer faces the white page alone. In the end, nobody can help you, it’s your path, your valley of the shadow, and you have to walk it alone.”

i’m gonna have to remember to include in my will “go on my tumblr and tell my followers i’ve died”

I’d tell them to queue around 10,000 posts so my legend lives on.

i’m a strong believer that not everything you do needs an explanation. if you want a tattoo, get one. if you rather stay home that night, it’s okay to miss that party. don’t forget that you’re living for yourself. you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your choices or preferences.

literally nothing feels better than being loved by someone who hates everyone

someone told me once that shooting stars are really just angels throwing away their cigarettes before God could catch them smoking

you’re a 10? on the pH scale maybe

cuz u basic

hi someone give me $1000 to buy cute clothes thanks 

if my kids end up being better looking than me theyre grounded

F is for friends who do stuff together
U is for u and me
N is for nudes

How do I sit in my bed for the rest of my life but also become a billionaire at the same time

we need a universal hand signal for “my parents don’t know about that”

me when i go out:	i should've stayed home
me when i stay home:	i should've gone out
me when i'm around people:	i want to be alone
me when i'm alone:	i want to be around people
me when i'm mean to people:	i need to be nicer
me when i'm nice to people:	i need to be meaner

I DONT THINK YOU GET IT
IF YOU TELL A GIRL SHES PRETTY IT WILL BOOST HER SELF CONFIDENCE FOREVER
SO IF YOU FIND A GIRL PRETTY
GROW A SET AND TELL HER

no ok but like 2 years ago this one guy called me pretty and I still remember it to this day like whenever I think I’m ugly I’m like well at least that one guy that one time thought I was pretty

I love dresses because they’re so lazy and require such little effort yet when you wear them people think you actually attempted to look nice 

cool facts about me!!!!!

• i cry a lot
• i will cry if u talk to me
• i will cry if u dont talk to me
• i wil cry

I’m exhausted from all this studying I haven’t done

what’s that thing called when your crush likes you back

oh yeah

imagination

f is for friends who do stuff without you

if there’s no cute boys involved what’s the point of doing anything

my gravestone will say “oMFg i DiEd”

urban dictionary is like the sexually experienced older sister I never had who I can ask what slang means without my parents knowing I asked

im not a murderer some of my best friends are alive

every once in a while i check up on people i hate to make sure i still hate them

i do

being popular on tumblr is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital

I started saying shit like “u” “pls” and “rly” ironically but I can’t stop now

“Truth or dare” 
“Truth”
“What’s your credit card number”

I wish I had a pair of skinny genes

you must have been born on the highway cuz thats where most accidents happen 

I like well-dressed boys but I also like naked boys do you see my problem

i wanna die but maybe something cool will happen so ill stay alive for now

you could chop my arms off and i’d still find a way to use the internet

I think it’s lovely how you can sit in a classroom and visualize having sex with someone and nobody will notice at all

I actually really love it when someone remembers small details and quirks about me or addresses me by my name at unexpected times like at the end of a sentence and I don’t know why but I just really, really do.

‘you’re saying things at me and i dont know how to respond’ a novel by me

writing seems so easy until you start writing

PE doesn’t stand for physical education. it stands for public embarrassment 

if you date me we will have:

• morning sex
• afternoon sex
• dinner sex
• after meal sex
• i made pancakes sex
• good morning sex
• shower sex
• bored sex
• make up sex
• break up sex
• monday sex
• tuesday sex
• wednesday sex
• thursday sex
• friday sex
• saturday sex
• sunday sex
• there is nothing on tv sex
• i love you sex

100% accurate



mom which instagram filter should I use for these nudes

true friendship is skyping but not talking to each other the entire time

Fun biology fact the color of a boy’s lips is also the color of the head of his penis

i love getting messages more than anything else okay i don’t even care what the message says but just the fact that someone took the time out of their day to send me a message makes me want to sing walking on sunshine and bake chocolate chip cookies

im gonna be so hot next year and everyones gonna be like why did we ignore her last year and ill have to make a chart so i can spend equal time with all my boyfriends

im gonna hire someone to stand behind me and say swag whenever i pause between words

mom can i borrow $100,000 please i’ll give u it back when im rich and famous

being hotter than me is selfish and rude

black??? dont u mean dark white?

do you ever have that one person who you just lost contact with because of reasons and you just wonder if they’re okay and what they’re doing with their lives now and where they’ve been and if they’ve changed and how they’ve changed and what’s still the same about them and how they look and if they ever think about you like that from time to time 

because I do 

i will fight for you

but i will not 

compete for you 

u have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting

*texts back 3 weeks later* sorry I fell asleep

when u get someone’s number and the suspense u feel the first time u text and its the moment of truth will the ichat be green or blue

shopping for clothes would be a lot more fun if i had a thinner body and a fatter wallet

i would lose weight but i hate losing 

roses can be red
violets aren’t fucking blue
this is an actual correct poem
bottom line: i’d like to fuck you

come on guys, i worked the best pun of my life in at the end

the advantage of having friends that dont have tumblr is you can tell them jokes you found on tumblr 

i’m funnier in real life but also uglier

Can I donate my fat to a malnourished third world citizen

i dont want a job i just want paychecks

‘am i right ladies’ is the best way to end any text post am i right ladies 

by following my blog u are buying urself a ticket for the fun train

I survived 12 years of my life with no internet

but now I can’t survive like 12 seconds waiting for a page to load

something has gone so desperately wrong



Weight should be like virginity. 
Once you lose it you can’t get it back

the problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me

You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them."

▼
i recognize and fully admit that i’m addicted to the internet but considering i could be addicted to drugs or alcohol or sex i think i did pretty good ok

I want a boyfriend who will take me to concerts,

or just a boyfriend,

or just concert tickets

or concert tickets to see my boyfriend

idk why people take me so seriously i never even know what im saying

friendship is so weird???

Like it starts out with compliments and cute things and then suddenly it does a complete 360 and you just start screaming at them and calling them motherfucker

sorry i dont think i can come to ur birthday party theres a rumor going around that u dont have wifi :/

Look, if you nicely tell me that swearing makes you uncomfortable and you politely ask me not to, I will stop immediately and speak nicer than a nun.

But if you start acting like you’re on some fucking high horse, or telling me that I’m going to Hell for talking the way that I do and you can’t “be around that kind of language” then you can bet your motherfuckin’ ass that I’ll be fucking cussing like a cunt-fuckin’ sailor you maggot-ridden piece of dick.

do you ever feel like a plastic bag

No, I always feel like a Prada bag 

let’s bang

i mean hang

no i don’t

my mom was pulling into a parking space today and she asked “am i relatively straight?” and i said “i think that’s something you need to decide for yourself” and she told me to walk home

Teacher:	How much is a gram?
Me:	Shit, Depends on what you want.

hot guy:	*sneezes*
me:	i would say god bless you
	but it seems like he already did

if you can’t reach it without leaving your bed it’s obviously not that important