send me nudes and i’ll rate your parents’ disappointment

As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better."

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How the FUCK am I supposed to have a good day when 28% of Americans aren’t getting enough fiber?

theres nothing funnier than a girl wearing heels to a concert 

guys im literally so out of shape like internet explorer could probably run faster then me

i’m a victoria’s secret model. it’s such a secret that not even victoria knows.

summer is real cute until every fuckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell

im so naturally funny because my life is a joke

wow i either have 0 feelings or all feelings at once

schools have stairs so you can throw yourselves down them

u know when someone really annoying is talking and you can almost hear the XDDDDD in their voice

Politeness has become so rare that some people mistake it for flirtation.

I’m so glad people breathe automatically bc if I had to remember to breathe every second I would’ve probably gotten too lazy to do it and died from it a long time ago

badbye

notice how i didnt say goodbye

its because i hate you

i can’t have a soul mate because i have no soul

i’m glad we don’t have To hunt for our food any more.. i don’t even know where Sandwiches live 

i’ll pay you $7 to have a crush on me

If I ever tell you I’m going to sleep and then you see me posting or liking things online for about an hour immediately after that, I promise I wasn’t lying to you, I’m just bad at going to sleep and it is usually a long process that begins with disengaging from any sort of immediate contact with people (chats, for example) and ends when everything on my screen is blurry and I’m hallucinating plot points I haven’t written yet

how many of your selfies do i have to like for you to realize im hitting on you 

You unfollow me because you’re afraid of falling in love with me, I know

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack 

saying “its just hormones” to an upset teenager to make them feel better is like saying “its just gravity” to someone who fell off of the top of a 10 story building

My hobbies include laying in bed in my underwear while I listen to music and hate myself

 sorry i cant hang out with u today i have to catch up on my crying

how dare you call me stupid. i know tons of useless information

"Maybe if your dick was thicker than your goddamn eyebrows we wouldn’t be having this conversation"

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u know my url not my html

I suck at texting unless

• I am in a relationship with you
• You are my mom
• I need something
• Me and you are close as fuc

 If you don’t like me tell me so I can not like you too

boyfriend has 9 letters but so does mcdonalds hmm

my favorite punctuation marks are ugh and omg

are we gunna have sex or are you going to continue to like my posts 

*smells u deeply* u smell like my next friend

i might still be ugly but i used to be uglier

Imagine reading a book of every conversation where people have spoken about you.

shoutout to my boyfriend in the hospital with a severe case of non existence

horny has become less of a mood for me and more of a personality trait

why was the math book sad?
had too many problems

fuck you

no need to be a calcuhater 

its hard to be a good person when everyone is so stupid

people who have the same name as me are competition 

what she says:	im fine. its nothing
what she means:	i wish you were justin bieber