just kidding

We can only be friends if you’re kind of an asshole. Not full blown asshole because that’s no fun. And if you’re not an asshole at all then that won’t work either. A halfway asshole. Those are my kind of people.

In French, you don’t really say “I ate the pizza”, you say “Je suis devenu la pizza”, which is closer to “I am the pizza” or “I became the pizza”. I love that so much. You don’t just eat something. You absorb it into your atoms for the greater good of the hive stomach. If you eat the pizza, it just eats you back. Stop. Touch the pizza. You are the same

i hate all rich people and i will always hate them until i become rich

I’m really good at keeping secrets because five minutes later I forget what you told me because I don’t care

the best thing about the internet is that you can talk to people and have no pants on at the same time

whenever you think i’m listening to you i’m actually just looking at you and thinking about snacks

Restraining yourself from making inappropriate jokes in a new friendship because you don’t know if they’ll laugh or start running away

don’t try to guilt trip me i have no soul so it doesn’t work
Pretty sure I could start carrying things round in the bags under my eyes

if i ever tell you that something is my favorite song dont listen to me im a fucking liar i have more favorite songs than there are babies in china

parents: your room is a mess 
me: did you mean abstract art i think i heard you wrong

shout out to my friend for picking the most inappropriate background music for her class project on alzheimer’s disease
“somebody that i used to know”

If I’m a sarcastic asshole when I talk to you its either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you
Or I really hate you and don’t care if you know it
Good luck figuring out which one

i wish someone looked at me the way i look at pizza

“hate is such a strong word”
yes you piece of shit that’s why i used it

Apparently, jokingly spreading your legs when the dentist says “Open wide” is FROWNED UPON IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” basically mean the same thing
unless you’re at a funeral

on the outside I may appear like an emotionless sarcastic piece of shit but just like an onion when you peel off more layers you find the exact same thing every single time and you start crying

i’m the friend who can switch from penis jokes to a completely serious topic in 1.34 seconds

Getting into a relationship may seem tempting but so was getting on the Titanic ship and look what happened there

i wish i had a six pack
of chocolate bars

sorry i can’t go to your party next month i have a headache

is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep 

Let’s get the day started with a nice big bowl of why the fuck am I awake 

we think cats are adorable no matter how skinny or fat they are so why do we treat humans any differently

I went into the desert to forget about you. But the sand was the color of your hair. The desert sky was the color of your eyes. There was nowhere I could go that wouldn’t be you.

i don’t h8 you i h9 you because that’s more than h8
do you ever look around at the big crowds of people around you and realize everyone has a story and memories and family and troubles and achievements and a first kiss and a broken heart but you’ll never know any of it and every human life is really intricate and expansive but oh they’ve walked into a shop and you’ll never see them again and you’ll never know just what they were thinking 

how do i change the html of my face

Having perfected our disguise, we spend our lives searching for someone we don’t fool.

sometimes im like ‘wow a blowjob would be really nice right now’ and then i realize im a girl

when ur crush gets a haircut and u realize you only ever liked them for their hair

Whenever someone tells me a story they’ve already told me before I pretend I haven’t heard it yet so they don’t feel stupid because I’m nice as fuck

can someone stay up with me till 2am and tell me everything they have ever been to scared to say

do you think if i die now i’ll have enough time to be reincarnated as kim kardashians baby

“cool jeans,” i tell a cute boy
little did he know that i actually talking about his genes because those chromosomes have combined beautifully ay papi

hello students. welcome to my math class. we will be having a class trip this year, the first ever math field trip in history. it’s to hell. here we are

Woops my 10 minute study break turned into a whole year

A woman is not written in braille, you don’t have to touch her to know her.

I guess being needed is almost as good as being loved. Maybe better.

all im interested in right now is laying in bed and kissing a lot.

there’s nothing worse than getting told you’re bad at the only thing you’re good at

i have three fundamental emotions
  • haha
  • horny
  • sigh
my hobbies include being right and kissing other peoples boyfriends

“why” “because i said so” good one mom you should be a lawyer

never like a boy you’ll end up either hating them or hating yourself

im like a dior bag in the middle of a sea of fake coach purses u feel me

time for some hot shower sex minus the sex

Sometimes you meet someone and even though you
never liked brown eyes before, their eyes are your favourite colour now
and sometimes you meet someone who can make the
sickest addictions seem beautiful and sometimes
there’s some people you’d rather sit on a couch with
and drink some gas station coffee and read your favourite
books over and over while you forget that dinners on the stove
so it gets burned but you still think it’s delicious anyway.

if i spent as much time studying as i do sitting on the internet, i could probably be at harvard right now 

if you wanna be my lover, please tell all my friends, because im oblivious to everything 

I like saying ily because it’s like saying i love you without the commitment

i hate lying in bed and missing that some one so much
fucking kills me off beds are made for two people, not one.

I really dislike when people tell me to “just cheer up” like DON’T YOU THINK I FUCKIN’ WOULD IF I COULD

I bet if we dusted her heart for fingerprints, we’d only find yours

i wish i lost weight as fast as i lose motivation

Let them miss you. Sometimes when you’re always available, they take you for granted because they think you’ll always stay. 

Today in science we learned that you can never gain cold, you can only have an absence of heat; and it made me think that maybe hatred doesn’t exist, and there’s only an absence of love.

i love drawing hearts i wish i had one

my hobbies include having coffee and mental breakdowns

im just so glad the word “ugh” was invented

switching on your computer before you make yourself food so by the time you come back your computer is turned on and waiting for you like a naked lover

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