do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren’t even talking

if my jokes offend you:

1. i’m sorry
2. it won’t happen again
3. 1 & 2 are lies 
4. you’re a pussy

sleeping comes so naturally to me like i could do it with my eyes closed 

my mind is telling me no

and my budget

my budget is also telling me no

I try not to hate anyone but you make it so hard

there is a simple answer to everything and its usually no

there is no way to say “have a nice life” without sounding like a sarcastic prick and this really bothers me

my talents include bullshitting essays at 12am

Thank god the new iPhone takes panoramic pictures.

I can finally send dick pics. 

all restaurants are drive-thru’s if you drive hard enough

I can never tell if I’m the biggest asshole to exist or a huge sweetheart because some people I care immensely about and would drop everything for them and other people I could punch in the eye for just speaking

i pretend i dont care but deep down i really still dont care

there’s a special place in hell reserved just for me

it’s called the throne

i wish there was a non-assholeish way to say “our friendship has run its course, you make me uncomfortable with your feelings and a lot of shit you do pisses me off bye”

i reuse jokes because i care about our planet, recycle motherfucker

"I didn’t even try to love you, it just happened."

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  Anonymous (via hollymurdoch)