Me every night: I don't need to sleep. 
Me every morning: I need to sleep for 3 days straight.

let’s be friends with benefits. the benefits? you get to be friends with me

which is messier my life or my hair

asking your murderer to clear your internet history for you

you’re gonna regret not dating me after I get hot

the benefit of knowing me: you can stand beside me and look 100 times more attractive than you actually are.

if you ever leave my door open and i have to get up and close it myself just know that’s me closing the door on our relationship forever