Lose, so you can win. // I would like to impossible became possible // Zastanawiałam się, czy Ty chociaż przez jedną, jedyną sekundę zatęskniłaś za moją obecnością, za moimi żartami czy dziwnymi pomysłami. Czy przez tę jedną sekundę poczułaś tęsknotę za mną i powiedziałaś szeptem “cholera, brakuje mi jej”To, co boli najbardziej, To być tak blisko I mieć tyle do powiedzenia, I patrzeć, jak odchodzisz. I nie wiedzieć, Co mogłoby być, I nie dostrzegać, że kochanie ciebie Jest tym, co próbowałem uczynić. // “Make me forget I loved him.”

You were
My friend
My confidant
My brother that I never had
My punching bag
My pillow
My shoulder to cry on
My pillar
My lover.

And now?
You’re not my anything.
You’re gone.

And I need to give up on you.

Some days it feels fine.
And other days, like today,
You creep into my mind
And ruin my concentration
For the entire day.

I miss you.

"It’s so strange, knowing so much about someone you don’t even talk to anymore

"The hardest part about walking away from someone is the part where you realize that, no matter how slowly you go, they will never run after you."

I think
we worry too much
about people leaving
before they even go
and we spend so much time
waiting for it to happen
that we forget
to enjoy the time
that we do have with them.

"It’s strange how I find myself thinking of you, so long after I told myself that I’m so over you."

i love you 
but 
you’re 
hers.

She’s a keeper, too bad you didn’t keep her.

Do you know what it’s like?
Feeling that ghostly warmth from the
imagined hands against mine.
Knowing that despite seeing those hands
in the flesh every single day in school,
chances are, they would never hold mine again.

Do you know what it’s like?
Having that gorgeous smile imprinted In my
head. That smile that would always appear effortlessly,
when those lips said they loved me. And now I see
it everyday in school, knowing that I’m no longer
the reason for that smile.

Do you know what it’s like?
Counting the days since you left. Watching other
girls talk and laugh with you, worse still when
one of them is my close friend. Wishing that
you’d just come up to me like, “Hey, can we
start again?”

Do you know what it’s like?
To feel like such a fool everyday, hoping that somewhere
inside you there is a part that always bears my name
and memory. As I play and replay the memory of the
day you left, until it ended my way in my head.

Do you know what it’s like?
Missing you so freaking much and I cannot fall asleep
at night without tears coming into my eyes. Everyday it feels
like there is a weight on my chest that I can’t seem to throw
off, suffocating me.

-BabyzMVP

————————————————————————————————-

"And I swear, I miss you so damn much."

"I don’t get attached to people easily, that’s why it hurts so much , when such a person leaves"

At the very end, nothing left
To say. All that I could do
Was watch your hand slowly
Slide away. Your eyes never
Left mine. I could feel the tears
Sliding down. The redness in
Your eyes said the same. But
I know things won’t go back.

I know it’s over, over at last,
Our story. And if I could take it
Back, I would. But that day, that
Very last day. You were all I could
Ever want.

That day at the staircase, in
Our special place. I still go back to
That day sometimes. Wondering if
Things could have gone another way.
Sad to say, I’m still not over you. But

I know things wont go back.

"I can’t even remember how you made me feel, but I know I haven’t felt it since."

She will cry. She will cry over you like there is no tomorrow, until her throat is raw and her hair a mess. Her screams will echo through the walls and there will be nothing beautiful about it.

She will tear out the pages of her diary that she dedicated to you and swear your name will never again appear on the crisp pages that are so important to her. But two days later the words won’t come and she’ll find herself scrawling your name over and over until the ink blurs and merges with her tears.

She will curse you and curse herself and curse the skies for everything and nothing. There will be days when the sun shines but all she will see is rain and clouds, and days when she won’t see anything at all.

And fuck. She will love you even though her heart is breaking because she gave you a part of herself that you refuse to return.

But know this, she will also learn to forget you, so when she walks by in two months time, laughing and smiling without a care in the world, you will wonder how she slipped through your fingers, and she won’t care.

Not one single bit.

I don’t miss your voice 
and I no longer wish 
I was your choice. 
I don’t miss your presence 
for your disappearance 
was a blessing. 
I don’t miss the memories
especially when you got 
the best of me. 
I don’t miss what we had 
once upon some time 

in the past."

I believe in fate
and fate believes in me.
One day
we will meet again.
You’ll be standing there
and I’ll be standing here,
still.
And all the time in between
of waiting and wondering

will all start to make sense.

Jesteśmy świadkami fenomenalnego zjawiska, polegającego na wzajemnym mijaniu się ludzi, na nieumiejętności nawiązania kontaktu, nieumiejętności spędzania wolnego czasu. 

Są takie piosenki, które w zaledwie kilku zdaniach przedstawiają historię Twojego życia.

I am going to
stop asking you
to hang out
and messaging you first.
I am going to
stop making plans 
with you,
just for them to be cancelled.

I am not going to be the one
constantly chasing all the time;
so I’m trying out this new thing
where I am not going to bother
with people
who do not even try
to speak to me first.

If you miss me
and you want to
see me,
then find a way.

You can find a way,

this time.

”

I okazuje się, że nikt nas nie okłamał, tylko my zbyt dużo sobie wyobrażaliśmy.

Jeśli chcesz, możesz przyjść

Kupić wino, zostać na noc

Czym jest dla Ciebie miłość?‎
Miłość jest czymś bardzo ważnym, czymś czego nie można lekceważyć, nie można się pozbyć, zapomnieć. Miłość należy szanować, niezależnie czy jest, czy jej nie ma, ponieważ ona pojawia się w najmniej spodziewanych momentach.
Miłość jest wszystkim i niczym.
Miłość kocha i nienawidzi.
Miłość jest faktem i fikcją.
Miłość jest silna i słaba.

Miłość walczy i poddaje się.Miłość należy doceniać, bo bez krzty uwagi, upada.

Szczęście leży ma chod­ni­ku tak często je dep­cze­my, idąc wy­pat­rując go w ob­cych oczach…

To były dob­re sny, te sny sprzed lat; nie spraw­dziły się, ale cieszę się, że mi się przyśniły.

Nie chcę się narzucać - pisać, dzwonić, prosić o spotkanie, które i tak prawdopodobnie nic nie zmieni.

If anyone would listen, I’d tell them about all the things I love about you. All the good times and the sweetest side of you to let them understand why I still cry for you.

Should have said no
The first time
When you came up to me
All brown eyed and smiling
Melting the heart that has been
Frozen too long.

Should have said no
When you first asked me out
On my very very first date
Holding hands in the cinema
And sending me home.

Should have said no
When you asked to undress me
Both mentally and physically
Letting you see all my vulnerabilities
Thinking this was so right.

I should let go
Because all that’s left
Is a bitter pool of regret

A na pytanie co robisz w życiu? Będę odpowiadać – dostosowuję się do zbiegów okoliczności 

Czasem mam ochotę tu zacząć wszystko od nowa
Zamiast wymieniać spojrzenia zacząć wymieniać słowa
Choć jedyny wyraz tu to wyraz zwątpienia na twarzach
To czuję tęsknotę, gdy znów sobie ciebie wyobrażam

Zrób mi jakąś krzywdę.
Chcę czuć.
Mocniej.
Ostrzej.
Dobitniej.
Chcę wiedzieć.
Czuć.
Że jestem dla ciebie nikim.

 I tak po prostu z dnia na dzień,
przestali dla siebie istnieć

Sądzę, że powinnaś dalej żyć tak, jak żyłaś, zanim się poznaliśmy. Czerpać radość ze swoich zajęć. Nie można uwiesić się na szyi drugiego człowieka i podporządkować całego swojego jestestwa jemu. Każdy jest odrębną jednostką, ma swoje nadzieje, plany, marzenia. Możemy kochać, ale nie powinniśmy zapominać, że każdy jest w stanie żyć bez drugiego. 

Czasami, mimo, że coś nas niszczy, nie potrafimy od tego odejść. 
Czasami, po prostu boimy się zmian.
Czasami samych siebie, a czasami kochamy zbyt mocno.

Piję za Ciebie, za Twoją przyszłość, mogliśmy wszystko, szkoda, że nam nie wyszło.

Wciąż czekam z otwartymi ramionami na ludzi, którzy tak bardzo mnie zawiedli

nie na niczym nie zależy, wiesz. Na niczym. Oprócz ciebie. Muszę cię widzieć. Muszę patrzeć na ciebie. Muszę słyszeć twój głos. Muszę i nic mnie więcej nie obchodzi. Nigdzie. Jeszcze nie wiem, co będzie z nami. Przypuszczam, że to się źle skończy. Ale mi wszystko jedno. Bo już jest warto. Dlatego, że ja mówię, a ty słyszysz. Rozumiesz?

Tęsknie za Tobą … jak nigdy w życiu za nikim… tęsknie jakbym miała pięć lat i czekała na kolejne Boże Narodzenie. I najgorsze w tej tęsknocie jest to, że nie wyjechałeś na drugi koniec świata, że nie leczysz słoni w Afryce, nie budujesz igloo Eskimosom, nie brudzisz się spaghetti na jednej z ciasnych, zatłoczonych, włoskich uliczek. Mieszkasz w tym samym mieście, trzy ulice, piętnaście ścian dalej. Chodzisz tymi samymi chodnikami, robisz zakupy w tych samych sklepach, słyszysz to samo bicie dzwonów, te same przejeżdżające pociągi. Pod względem odległości mierzalnej jesteś bliżej niż blisko. Gdyby zaznaczyć na mapie odległość , która nas dzieli- byłaby to tylko mała, ledwie zauważalna kropka. Jesteś bliżej niż blisko, a dzielą nas kilometry niewypowiedzianych słów i słów powiedzianych niepotrzebnie, mile zranionych uczuć, hektary urażonej dumy, godziny i dni niespełnionej miłości…

Nie szukaj miłości na siłę. Odpuść sobie i po prostu żyj. Ona sama przyjdzie.. Za rok, dwa albo miesiąc, tydzień…a może już jest

Ludzie mówią “W morzu jest masa ryb”

Ja odpowiadam ” Pierdol się, on był moim morzem”

Noś w sobie pewność, wiedz, że osiągniesz cel, a osiągniesz go z pewnością. Nie pozwól by do Twojej głowy wkradły się wątpliwości bo Cię zniszczą. Tak brzmi reguła samosprawdzającej się przepowiedni.

Patrzę i czuję
jak bardzo Cię nie ma.

"- Czego ci brak?

- Wszystkiego. Rozmów z nią, jej opowieści o tym, jak minął dzień. Brak mi jej chropawego ciemnego głosu, jej śmiechu, listów, które do mnie pisała i które pisałem do niej. Brak mi jej oczu i zapachu włosów i smaku jej oddechu. Brak mi kurwa wszystkiego. Brak mi poczucia jej istnienia, bo lepiej się czułem wiedząc, że ona istnieje, że ktoś taki jak ona istnieje. Przede wszystkim brak mi chyba tego, że wiedziałem, że znowu ją zobaczę. Zawsze myślałem, że znowu ją zobaczę."

ześć. Właściwie nie pożegnałam się z Tobą tak jak powinnam. Nie wytłumaczyłam Ci dlaczego moje serce odchodzi od Twojego i dlaczego musimy żyć bez siebie. Nie wytłumaczyłam Ci tego tak jak powinnam. Nie rzuciłam się Ci na szyję i nie krzyczałam, że nie pozwolę Ci odejść. A może powinnam tak zrobić? Dzielą nas słowa, które nie padły choć powinny. To boli, jak chyba wiele rzeczy w tym świecie. Mogłabym prosić Cię o wybaczenie, ale nie chcę. Dlaczego? Bo gdy wiem, że mnie nienawidzisz łatwiej mi żyć bez Ciebie. To trochę egoistyczne prawda? Napisałam mnóstwo listów, które miały być pożegnaniem. Nigdy ich nie dostaniesz, bo wtedy chyba pękłoby mi serce, bo wtedy umarłaby jakaś część mnie, choć tak już chyba się stało. Żyję. Chciałabym byś wiedział, że żyję. Że na nowo uczę się samodzielności i każdy mój krok jest pewniejszy. Chciałabym żebyś wiedział, że radzę sobie dobrze i chciałabym żebyś był ze mnie dumny. Wiem, że już nigdy nie spojrzysz na mnie tak jak kiedyś, jak wtedy gdy byłam sensem Twojego życia. Wiem, że już nigdy nie złapiesz mnie za rękę i nie powiesz, że zawsze jesteś przy mnie. Wiem, że już nigdy nie zasnę oglądając z Tobą jakiś film i już nigdy nie pójdziemy na wspólny spacer. Już nigdy nie będę mogła zadzwonić do Ciebie, że mi źle a ty już nigdy nie pojawisz się wtedy przed moim domem. Już nigdy nie usiądziemy razem z Twoimi rodzicami. Brakuje mi ich wiesz? Brakuje mi żartów Twojego taty i wypieków mamy. Tak strasznie mi ich brakuje. Nie wiem czy to czytasz, i nie wiem czy chciałabym żebyś to przeczytał. Wiem jedno, to wszystko cholernie boli. Ale nie mieliśmy wyjścia, to chyba trochę tak jak w Romeo i Julii Szekspira, prawda? Jestem tu. Oddycham, żyję i tęsknię. Chciałam byś o tym wiedział, że tęsknię. Za wszystkim. Za Tobą, za sobą w Twoich ramionach, za nami. To chyba normalne prawda? ostatni już raz żegnaj

wykła ludzka miłość polega na tym, że kocha się kogoś, kto jest tak miły w dotyku, że ewentualne jego wady są już nieważne.

Jerzy Pilch - Tezy o głupocie, piciu i umieraniu

Chcę być dziewczyną, która zmieniła wszystko. Dziewczyną, która ma znaczenie. Dziewczyną, która dała Ci historię do opowiadania.

Po prostu jest lato. Po prostu jest gorąco i wtedy w każdym otwiera się tunel potrzeb, wysyłanie serii żarliwych próśb, aby w twoim życiu stało się coś, co naprawdę zapamiętasz, i aby było rzeczywiste, dotykowe, z całą gamą zmysłów

Trochę się zdenerwowałam, a trochę mi się zrobiło smutno. Zawsze mi jest smutno, kiedy się przekonuję, że oceniłam kogoś za wysoko.

Niektóre chwile zapomina się przez całe życie

Może w maju, może w grudniu,

Może jutro popołudniu

Ludzie zwykle odkładają najważniejsze słowa na później …

a później to te słowa przestają mieć znaczenie

nie liczę kalorii, papierosów, drinków… liczę za to chwile. i liczę na siebie.

Ciało pamięta przelotny dotyk, parę godzin bycia z kimś zostaje na lata. Zapach włosów, potu, wilgotności, przypływa znikąd w środku dnia. (..)
W inżynierii nazywa się to pamięcią plastyczną materiału, w chemii pamięcią substratu. W życiu - tęsknotą.”

Oto kilka z rzeczy, które tak bardzo chciałam ci powiedzieć. Że jest wiele spraw, o które warto walczyć. I że w rezultacie, nawet jeśli podjęcie ryzyka śmiertelnie cię przeraża, życie postawi ryzyko na twojej drodze w tak pięknym przebraniu, że je podejmiesz, choć nie będziesz miała pojęcia dokąd właściwie masz iść. Pierwszy krok jest najważniejszy. Najpierw prostujesz się, potem stawiasz pierwszy krok. Trzeba żyć własnym życiem, nie życiem innych

Mówię do siebie: NIE MYŚL! 
Jest tyle kobiet, które nie myślą i jakoś im się wiedzie.

Ludzie przychodzą, ludzie odchodzą. Wiemy o tym, ale za każdym razem, gdy się to zdarza, jesteśmy zaskoczeni. To jedyna rzecz w naszej egzystencji, której możemy być pewni, ale często łamie nam serce

To moja wina. Nie zrobiłam nic, żeby Cię zatrzymać

Ludzie zbyt szybko wymieniają się imionami, słowami, myślami.
A potem znikają.

— “Historie, w których nic się nie dzieje” Igor Kulikowsk

wiesz
to jest tak
wszyscy mają jakieś oczekiwania
ja
czekam na coś
co nigdy się nie wydarzy
czekam na kogoś
kto nigdy się nie pojawi
a inni
oczekują ode mnie
że przestanę czekać

NIE STANĄŁEŚ NAWET DO BITWY, KIEDY JA Z CAŁĄ ARTYLERIĄ WALCZYŁAM O NASZĄ MIŁOŚĆ.

Jeśli coś było na tyle ważne, że nie możesz o tym zapomnieć wiedz, że musi do ciebie wrócić. Może w innej osobie, innym miejscu, czasie, ale wróci.

Fiodor Dostojewski

Zasypiam sama od dłuższego czasu i nawet zaczyna mi się zdawać, że na to się nie umier

Tak wiele rzeczy powinnam Ci powiedzieć. Wyliczyć, ile to razy o Tobie śniłam i ile razy nie mogłam przez Ciebie zasnąć. Jak bardzo mnie zawiodłeś, jak bardzo mnie zabiłeś. Powinnam Ci to wszystko wykrzyczeć prosto w twarz nie zwracając uwagi na to co sobie o mnie pomyślisz. Bo to już nie ma dla mnie znaczenia. Powinnam… ale widząc Cię nie powiedziałam nic. 

nie, nie oszukał mnie. oszukać mogą nas w sklepie. on mnie zawiódł. zwyczajnie zawiódł. 

Są ludzie, którym pozwolimy wracać zawsze. Choćby nie wiadomo jak nas zawiedli i jak bardzo pozwolili nam cierpieć. I mimo, że wywoływali najokropniejszy ból, gdy odchodzili to wywołują najcudowniejszy uśmiech, gdy wracają, ale Ty już nie wrócisz.

To, co boli najbardziej, 
To być tak blisko 
I mieć tyle do powiedzenia, 
I patrzeć, jak odchodzisz. 
I nie wiedzieć, 
Co mogłoby być, 
I nie dostrzegać, że kochanie ciebie 
Jest tym, co próbowałem uczynić.

Biorę kolejny haust powietrza, który wypełnia moje zbolałe płuca i wychodzę z domu, z nadzieją że dziś w końcu Cię spotkam. Ale Ciebie nie ma. W żadnym tłumie przechodniów, w żadnym barze, restauracji, bibliotece czy parku. Nigdzie nie czuję Twojego zapachu, nie było Cię tu. Nie wiem co mam zrobić, żebyś znów pojawił się w moim życiu. Klękać? Błagać Boga o powrót? Co mam zrobić? Jak głośno krzyczeć byś mnie usłyszał? By mój krzyk dotarł do miejsca w którym jesteś. To wszystko jest tak żałosne, ten cały świat gdy nie ma Cię obok. Po co mam tu żyć, skoro nie mogę patrzeć w Twoje roześmiane oczy? Całować Cię na powitanie? Po co mam tu żyć skoro nie jestem już częścią Twego serca, skoro nie mogę szeptać Ci, jak bardzo Cię kocham i tęsknić gdy nie słyszę Twego głosu? Po co mam tu żyć, skoro Ty już nie chcesz mego serca w swojej klatce piersiowej? Po co mam tu żyć skoro nie potrafię kochać nikogo oprócz Ciebie? 

I ta cholerna nadzieja, że On jednak coś w końcu poczuje, że zrozumie, że popełnił błąd i wróci, że obudzi się któregoś dnia i mu mnie zabraknie. Zadzwoni powiedzieć jak bardzo za mną tęskni i jak bardzo chce żebym tu była z nim. To uczucie, gdy się czeka na coś co nigdy nie nastąpi, to uczucie jakbyś straciła część siebie, a osoba, która była dla Ciebie wszystkim odchodzi bez pożegnania. Ciężko jest opisać co się wtedy czuje, ciężko jest żyć ze świadomością, że umierasz przez to, co kiedyś dawało Ci sens życia, co kiedyś sprawiało, że chce Ci się oddychać. Trudno jest zapomnieć kogoś, przy kim byliśmy naprawdę szczęśliwi, chociaż przez chwile.

Jednak ciągle pamiętam wszystko co jest z Tobą związane. Nadal w nozdrzach mam Twój zapach, który ciągle pachnie tak samo jak za pierwszym razem. Niedobrze mi od tego, moje serce źle to znosi. Każde Twoje słowo odbija się czkawką, wszystko doskonale pamiętam. Każde muśnięcie dłoni, każde dotknięcie mojego policzka, każdy uśmiech w moją stronę - wszystko. I tak naprawdę chciałabym, żeby to się skończyło, nie chce już o Tobie pamiętać bo wszystko cholernie boli. Już coraz mniej, ale jednak nadal czuje tą pustkę w sercu. 

Miałam wszystko czego chciałam i… straciłam to

Czasami staje mi przed oczami w najmniej spodziewanych momentach. Bo ktoś w kolejce w banku ma podobne oczy, bo ktoś w sklepie ma podobną koszulkę. Bo podobnie ktoś pachnie, bo ktoś ma przez telefon podobny głos. Chciałabym nie pamiętać tej twarzy, a ona uparcie wypełza mi od czasu do czasu spod setek obrazów. Uśmiechnięta albo zamyślona, smutna, wesoła, rozmarzona. Kpiące oczy, zmrużone czasami trochę szyderczo, a czasami całkiem szczerze przyjazne. W tych najprzyjemniejszych chwilach zawsze szeroko otwarte, jakby coś mogło im umknąć na zawsze

Brakuje mi tych spotkań cholernie. Jakby ktoś wydarł mi z rąk mały, prywatny skarb. Stoję zdezorientowana jak okradzione dziecko i nie wiem, co się właściwie stało. Niby takie proste, niby takie oczywiste, zdarza się przecież. A wcale nie proste i wcale nie oczywiste. Bo jak to tak. Stracić coś, czego nawet nie zaczęło się tak naprawdę mieć. A może troszeczkę zaczęło, tylko po co. Chciałoby się, żeby jakiś sens był w tym wszystkim, a tu wcale go nie ma.

Brakuje mi tych spotkań, bo przez ten krótki czas wydawało mi się, że coś ma sens. Pewnie złudnie jak zwykle. Takie dziwne wrażenie, że warto cokolwiek. Prawie nie pamiętam tego uczucia, tak rzadko mnie odwiedza. Żyję, owszem. I właściwie nic poza tym. Na niczym mi jakoś szczególnie nie zależy. A wtedy przez krótką chwilę naprawdę mi się żyć chciało

Każdy chyba w życiu posiadał człowieka, z którym łączyła go tak cholernie dziwna więź. I nie było to uczucie - absolutnie. Było to coś w rodzaju przywiązania, chęci powiedzenia wszystkiego - było to takie dziwne ‘coś’ czego nie da się zapomnieć nigdy

Ale powstał między nami dystans, którego wcześniej nie było i nie byłam pewna, jak miałybyśmy wrócić do tego, co było wcześniej…

Wszystko przeminie. Mądry człowiek wie o tym od samego początku i niczego nie żałuje

Spotkali się po to, żeby się kochać przez całe życie. Żeby jednak tak się stało, ktoś z kimś musiał się rozstać, ktoś kogoś musiał zdradzić, zakochać się w kimś innym, a potem uwierzyć, że tym razem stał się prawdziwy cud. Miłość na całe życie.

Nadal czekam na Twój gest, na zielone światło Twe, bo Ty rozstawiasz mnie na planszy, Ty wybierasz grę.

Wiecie co? Ja już chyba to rozgryzłam. Żeby żyć, trzeba chcieć żyć. Wstawać i to wcześnie, ale nie mieć z tego powodu skwaszonej miny tylko myśleć, że czeka nas cudowny dzień do wykorzystania. Iść tam gdzie trzeba z uśmiechem bo tylko wtedy jesteśmy atrakcyjni. Robić swoje gówno bez marudzenia, zamiast kląć na to w myślach użyć ich do szukania jasnych stron. Wracać do domu i jeść obiad. Zamiast lecieć do komputera wziąć zeszyt i pouczyć się albo najlepiej poddać się swojemu hobby. Zamiast odpalać internet, odpalić muzykę, otworzyć na oścież okno i posłuchać duszy. W weekend wyjść z domu z przyjaciółmi, a nie się od nich odgradzać. Pomagać ludziom, otworzyć się choć troszeczkę, wiecie o czym mówię - uchylić chociaż drzwi tak na szerokość łańcucha. Zacząć zmieniać to, czego nie lubimy, uzbrajając się przy tym w cierpliwość. Mamy za mało czas żeby smucić się za coś, co już dawno zapomniał czas, nie żyjemy w końcu w przeszłości. Zostaw tego złamasa, niech mu się wiedzie z tą wywłoką - na ciebie też przyjdzie czas. Zostaw te wszystkie rany i pozwól im się zagoić, nie sprawiaj bólu samej sobie, nie krzywdź się. Rozkwitnij, bądź piękna i każdego dnia żyj.

Każdego dnia zachowujmy się tak, jakbyśmy z dźwiękiem budzika rodzili się na nowo

Dziś potrzebne są tylko ciepłe i szerokie ramiona, które zdołałyby przytulić na tyle mocno, by zgnieść wszystkie problemy, niemoralne nadzieje i marzenia

Zerwana nić przyjaźni do dziś wisi na drzewie. Często ją widzę powiewającą na wietrze. Trzyma się niezdarnie na jednej z gałęzi. Widać jak bardzo tam się męczy. Zdjęłabym ją, ale nie dam rady sama. Do tego potrzebna, jeszcze jedna, rąk para…

zrób następny, kolejny krok….nie stawaj się posągiem:) nie stój w miejscu:)

I pomyśleć że zaczęło się od najzwyklejszego w świecie przypadku.

Są ludzie którzy bez pożegnania odchodzą i Ci co bez zapowiedzi wracają.

I want you
at your drunkest nights
when you cannot think straight
and come tumbling through the doorway
with a bottle in your hands
and a cigarette between your lips.

I want you
in my bed when you cannot sleep
and talk about why
God does not reveal himself and
if there is an alternative universe out there
besides us.

I want you
when you are slamming the doors
and punching walls out of frustration.
Come to me when you are angry
and scream at me
or just stay silent.

I want you
when you are tough to handle
and when you can’t handle yourself
and excited about our newest adventures
and even when you are being sarcastic,
I still want you.

I want you
when you are drunk or sober
and everything else in between.

And when he looks at me 
I swear I can’t breathe

I wonder if you ever talk about missing me to anyone.

11:43 PM
how lovely to think that we might be looking at the full moon at the same time

11:44 PM
i bought new bedsheets today but i still can’t throw away the old ones because they touched you last year

11:46 PM
you told me not to drink alone at home but i still do

11:47 PM
i’m sorry

11:48 PM
losing you was like when you stop taking your pills because you think you don’t need them anymore to feel better but you sink back eventually

11:50 PM
fuck you for all our i love you more fights

11:51 PM
i always knew that i loved you more

00:00
come back

Thank you for every kindness. Thank you for being someone I was always proud to be with. For your guts, for your sweetness. For how you always looked, for how I always wanted to touch you. God, you were my life. I apologize for everytime I ever failed you.

One year ago I was the most important person in your life. Now it’s like I never existed.

I was taking shot after shot hoping the alcohol would make me feel the way you did.

"When we met there were warning signs but I didn’t want to read in between the dotted lines."

that random moment when you suddenly remember someone who is no longer in your life and it feels like a knife through the chest

You drink like you have to forget something.

People say love isn’t supposed to be painful. But maybe the best things in life are the ones that hurt the most after they’re gone.

Sometimes you end up never speaking to someone who meant the world to you again. And that’s okay. You cope and you survive. Don’t let your losses keep you back from new gains.

She was beautiful before you said it. She was happy before you knew her. She has been loved before you told her. She owes you nothing, but she loves you anyway. So stop trying to make her feel lucky to have you.

If you could go anywhere in the world right now would it be to a “where” or to a “who”?

One day I woke up
and we no longer spoke
the same language.
I haven’t heard from you since.

Where did you go?, 

But fuck I’d swallow poison if it tasted like you.

I want to be that voice in the back of your mind

when you’re drunk at a party

telling you to go home

It’s hard when you miss people. But, you know, if you miss them it means you were lucky. It means you had someone special in your life, someone worth missing.

Of course I missed you. It devoured me.
But since I could not take you back, and you 
could not be replaced, I allowed myself to 
miss you, until at last the missing stopped.

You don’t deserve anything I wrote for you. You don’t deserve my 2 am tears and my 24 hour thoughts.

I want to text you. Just to remind you that I’m still here. But then I remember that you know I’m here. You just don’t care.

and here I was, thinking that you still feel the same way I do.

When you’ve found someone good, don’t go looking for someone better.

and you don’t want me, and maybe that’s why I started kissing strangers

It makes me forget about you

You’ve gone from being the most beautiful person I knew, to the ugliest memory I have, and there’s something very sad about that.

I hope I find the person I thought you were

I wish it hurt you too.

Hardest thing in life, letting go of what you thought was real.

I wish I could forget all about you, the memories, your secrets, the way you look in your sleep, all your guilty pleasures, everything we shared and move the fuck on but at the same time I wish it was still you I was waking up to every morning. I wish it was still you I’m up until 5am talking about life. I wish you were here, or I wish you would leave and never cross my mind again.

I have been homesick for you since we met.

A year ago we stayed up till 3 am talking

And today I don’t know how to even say hey

I would die for you, but now I’m dying without you.

I dont know how to let you go.

I know I probably don’t cross your mind much anymore but I hope someday you see something that reminds you of me and the things we use to spend hours talking about at night and then your throat gets tight and your heart skips a beat and you finally miss me back.

I never stopped feeling for you, I just stopped letting it show.

I realize, that overall, you weren’t worth it. There were moments with you that made me really, really happy; but the majority of the time you shut me out. That’s why I swear I’ll try and get over you. We might have had something really great, but I guess we’ll never know. I’ll never forget the good times I had with you, but I’ll also never forget how you hurt me more than anyone I have ever known.

I have so many guys in my life, but the only one I want doesn’t want me.

You don’t always win your battles, but it’s good to know you fought.

Text her after she falls asleep and describe in large detail everything that you adore about her. She’ll wake up with a smile on her face.

I realised.

I realised
our souls
weren’t
old friends.

And this
never was

a fairy tale.

One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do is to stop loving someone because they’ve stopped loving you.

I tried so hard to get better, to be better, but I always made the same mistake. I was doing it for you, when I should have been doing it for myself.

My mind knows I’m better off without you. I will find someone who will make me forget the pain you caused me. My heart, however, still aches. I still see you in my dreams. I still love you in sleep.

You’re going to meet a boy who won’t even think twice about wanting to date you, he will care so much about you that he won’t have to choose who he wants to be with because he will know the only person he wants to be with is with you. He won’t hurt you, he will love you. He won’t make you cry, he will make you laugh. He will know that when you say you only want two scoops of ice cream, you really mean three. He won’t judge you, he will understand. He won’t make you feel like you are worthless, he will make you feel like a princess. He won’t break your heart, he will hold it in his hand as if he was holding the world. He won’t complain when you ask him to watch a romantic movie, he will watch it anyways because he will know how much you enjoy them. He won’t tell you you’re sexy, he will instead tell you you’re beautiful. He won’t be embarrassed when you do something silly in public, because he will be the one next to you being silly with you.
He won’t be ashamed of you when you tell him your flaws and mistakes, he will hold you and love you anyways. He won’t make you feel like an object, he will treat you with respect.
He won’t get angry when you wake him up with a text at 3am because you are on the verge of breaking down. He will feel special because you trusted him enough to let him see you in your most vulnerable state. He won’t have to ask you if you are upset, He will know instantly by the look you have on your face. He won’t let you go, he will hold you so tight and thank God every night that he put you into his life.

I promise you this, when you meet that boy, you will realize why it didn’t work out with someone else.

You were the worst decision I’ve ever made,
but also the best one.

I wonder if you still get a small smile on your lips when you say my name. Or whether it just passes through without feeling.

You asked me what was wrong, and I told you it was nothing because I could not imagine trying to explain how much I miss you. You asked me again, and I told you it doesn’t matter because I know I could not handle your silence, screaming at me to understand that you don’t miss me.

I’m not crying because of you; you’re not worth it. I’m crying because my delusion of who you were was shatterted by the truth of who you are.

You make my heart spin
the same as all those shots did
two months ago
when I tried to burn your name
away from my tongue
but I still find myself
trying to taste you again

He looked at me like I was crazy. Most of my lovers do, and that’s partly why they love me, and partly why they leave.

…In the end you can’t always choose what to keep. You can only choose how you let it go.

When you miss someone,
While they’re holding your hand -
It’s time to let go,
To end. 
Accept
That sometimes people change,
In ways that love
Can’t.

Have you ever wondered if you were the words someone else clung onto? What if the “I’ll call you in the morning” or “We’ll talk really soon” or even an “I love you” that you never followed up on was enough to break that person?

He stepped down, trying not too look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking.

he makes me want to be different. Better.

he wanted to leave. I loved him too much to make him stay.

 and in the end
it doesnt matter
how many boys try
to fix me or fuck me
my mind will always
find its way back 
to you and god
i wish it didn’t

I always believed that we would find our way back to each other every time. But this time it felt final. Like I would never see him again, or that when I did, it would be different - there would be a mountain between us. I knew it in my bones. This time was it. I had finally made my choice, and so had he. He let me go.

I opened my door for you and you came in and burned my house down.

my lungs are filling with smoke but i cant leave

Maybe one day we’ll meet again

People only tell lies when there is something they are terribly frightened of losing.

Don’t feel sad over someone who gave up on you, feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would have never given up on them.

Goodbyes hurt most when they’re one-sided.

I know I probably don’t cross your mind much anymore but I hope someday you see something that reminds you of me and the things we use to spend hours talking about at night and then your throat gets tight and your heart skips a beat and you finally miss me back.

I will always love the false image I had of you.

If you admire somebody, you should go ahead and tell them. People never get the flowers while they can still smell them.

Maybe we’re all just looking for someone who cares enough to try. Someone who has never had the best memory, but remembers the little things about you. Someone who has always been a little shy, but opens up to you. Someone who has never been good at keeping a conversation going, but can’t shut up around you. Someone who hates driving on the highway, but spends hours on it to get to you. We’re not hoping to change them, no, we’re just hoping to matter enough to them.

Please don’t fall in love 
With anyone else
Please please please
Don’t hold their hand and trace circles on their thumb with yours 
Oh god, please don’t
Kiss their lips and tell them they’re gorgeous
Please don’t please
Kiss every inch of their body and tell them that god made them perfect
Don’t oh god don’t
Grab them by their waist and whisper in their ear that they’re all yours forever
And please don’t oh god don’t
Tell them that you love them, always and promise them a future with wedding bells and a white dress and kids and a big house and your morning breath and kisses and smiles whenever they say something funny, worst yet your laugh or your touch at 2am when they can’t sleep
Oh god please 
Don’t make them fall in love with you just like I did

I don’t want sex, I want the things that lead up to it. The slow kissing then the passionate kissing, then the pulling closer, the neck kisses, the grabbing, biting, heavy breathing, grinding, the pauses while you catch your breath, feeling each other. Oh my.

Then sex.

(August 1st. 12:57AM)
“I found that bottle of whiskey you left at my apartment. You know the one you were saving for a special occasion? I think you leaving is a good enough reason to finally open it.”

(August 2nd. 4:07AM)
“Today was complete shit, I came home and you weren’t here what the fuck is wrong with you, why haven’t you come home yet?”

(August 2nd. 4:30AM)
“I never noticed how cold a bed can get when it’s left half empty. Maybe that explains why I’m cold all the time now, you left me half empty.”

(August 3rd. 3:55PM)
“I saw your mom today, she wouldn’t look me in the eyes. What the fuck did you tell her I did?”

(August 4th. 5:07AM)
“I fucking hate you.”

(August 4th. 5:08AM)
“Why did you leave?”

(August 4th. 5:10AM)
“Come home.”

(August 6th 3:22AM)

“I hate that this is goodbye. I miss you so goddamn much. I won’t bother you again. I’m sorry if you hate me. I love you.”

I hate going to sleep with you on my mind but not in my bed.

Did she make your heart beat faster than I could?
Did she give you what you hoped for?
Oh, nights of loveless love, I hope it made you feel good,

knowing how much I adored you.

I miss the lips that made me fly.

If only you could see yourself in my eyes... 

Maybe I just need to understand that he’s just someone I meet in my life, someone I deeply fall in love with, and someone I was bound to let go just so I learn and grow.

You were the first one I loved and you were the first love I lost.

Why couldn’t I make you care?

If you’re giving it your all and it isn’t enough, then you’re giving it to the wrong person.

Stop setting yourself on fire for someone who stays to watch you burn..

He was never going to love her more than he did on the day they said good-bye.

How am I supposed to let go
When we never had an ending?
How do I get over something
That shouldn’t even be over?

I’ve been asking this question for months;
I’ve searched for an answer everywhere,
But even now
I still don’t know.

I tried finding it in bottles of alcohol
That burned my throat in silence,
And then I asked the storms,
And they chilled my bones in return.

I screamed into the night sky
At the moon and stars and heaven and hell
Until my voice was hoarse and I was numb,
And only my shaking echoes answered.

I think I could travel the world
And see all of the beautiful places,
And they would all be tainted by your absence.
I don’t think I’ll ever be over you being gone.

I hope that one day you look at her,
And you see my eyes staring back at you.
I hope your pulse starts racing and your words
Tangle over each other,
And you have to blink over and over again
Just to make sure you imagined it.

I hope some day, you’ll tell her you love her,
And my name burns unsaid in the back of your throat
With such an intensity that no amount of alcohol
You try to rinse it away with later that night
Will be able to stop the ache.

And I hope that when you’re tripping over your steps and words
From the booze coursing through your veins,
You search your phone for my number
And listen as the dial tone goes on and one,
Because I’m not there for you anymore.

I hope you make your way back to her place
And find yourself in her bed
So surrounded by by her presence, her smell, her voice,
Which is so far from mine
And you feel so boxed in by it all
As you remember what it was like
To sleep next to me instead.

I hope it hits you like a brick every time
You remember me,
Remember us,
And God, I hope you never forget.

"I will always have
The dark blue sky and bright stars
To anchor me here"

"You were never mine
But goddammit I was yours
From the very start."

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to
Be “just friends” with you.

We spent countless nights
Watching the dark blue sky turn orange
As we confessed our deepest secrets
And shared bits and pieces of our souls.

I don’t know that I could ever convert back
To small talk about the weather
When I know that you wish the rain
Would wash you down the gutters too.

I listened to you talk about which monsters
Walked from under your bed
Right into the daylight,
And kissed away the pain the shadows brought.

I don’t know if I could walk next to you
Without trying to grab your hand
And lead you away when we pass
Those same monsters on the street.

You were my safe haven to fall back on,
And I hid all of the hurt you felt
In my skin and soul
To take away your pain.

To me you will always be
The one,
And I can’t go back to being
Just another person to you.

I. You can want something with all of your heart and soul, but if it’s not meant to be, you’ll never have it.

II. Be proud of what you do. Life is hard sometimes, and you have to pour yourself into it to get where you want.

III. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you are going to end up with him. No amount of drunk kisses can change that.

IV. Don’t change yourself for anyone. Eventually they will leave, and you’ll be left trying to remember how to breathe since your oxygen is suddenly gone.

V. Sometimes second chances work, and sometimes they don’t.

VI. Learn yourself. Know who you are. That way, when they leave you shattered on the floor, you will recognize the pieces and how to rebuild.

"

"Sometimes I just blink
And I swear I see your eyes
After all this time"

I should have been
more like a snowflake,
Pure and soft,
But just enough to be a cool shock
To your skin and deep in your bones.

There was a time
When I didn’t know your name.

That’s a fact, and yet
It seems like complete blasphemy to me;
More of a lie
Than the ones you spouted out to me
When everything went wrong.

There was a time
When I didn’t know you existed,
And we were strangers
Who could have walked by each other
And never known it.

It seems strange to me
That there was a time
When you weren’t the only thing
Consuming my mind,
Or fueling my sleepless nights.

There was a time
When your name didn’t make me flinch
Or trigger an instinct to smash something to pieces
Because I want to feel something
Other than the missing pieces in my chest.

There was a time
When I didn’t love you.
And I wish I could remember
How I functioned back then,
So maybe I could be whole again.

"

I couldn’t find the light
So I spent my time
Setting myself on fire
In hopes that maybe
I could find a way out of the dark.
I was destroying myself
And no one could help me,
Because I was still so convinced
I was finding my way in the endless maze.

You felt empty on the inside;
A new place, new people,
So far away from home,
And maybe you just wanted an anchor
To remind you that your home existed
Just too many miles away.
You were afraid to let go of the life
You’d spent years building,
So you latched on in an effort to stop the spinning.

I was a train wreck
And you were a fucking explosion;
Every time you held my hand
It felt like chains;
I still couldn’t tell whether or not
I wanted a tie to my past
Or if I wanted to break and run.
You pulled, I pushed,
But when I finally held on you let go.

Commitment scared the hell out of me,
And your craving for alcohol and affection
Started to outweigh your need for me.
We were doomed from the very start,
And I guess what I’m trying to say
Is that we had a thousand examples
As to why we were a disaster
But I guess I was still holding on to the hope
There was just one showing we could be great.

"

I don’t know how
To tell you that I miss you.

I can feel you pushing me away,
And running farther and farther,
But after spending the better part
Of twenty years
Watching people walk away,

I don’t know how to tell you
I want you to stay.

1. I erased everything you sent to me, but I can’t erase the ghost of your touch running up and down my spine, and chilling every atom that I am.

2. I scrubbed until my skin was red and raw, but I can’t wash away your fingerprints from my battered, still-beating heart, and I don’t know if I ever will.

3. I rinsed my mouth with Listerine and the kisses of other boys, but I can’t get your name off of my lips or stop it from burning the tip of my tongue.

4. I cried enough tears to put oceans between us and drown in them, but I can’t make them stop, even though I should have run out of tears for you months ago.

5. I did everything I could to forget about us, but I still can’t figure out a way to go an entire day without seeing you when I close my eyes.

"

There’s a lot I’m finally starting to forget about you,
And I’m grateful for that,
But the things I still remember
Are tearing me apart.

I remember our first date,
And how we both insisted it wasn’t one.
It was the middle of June,
But you wore your nicest sweater,
And held every door open for me.
The weight of your arm draped around me
Sent butterflies through my stomach;
To this day I don’t think you know
How I was blushing in the dark shield of the theater.

I remember holding your hand
In the middle of the airport
And never wanting to let you go,
Back when we were still
Playing chicken with our feelings,
Because we both feared the uncertainty.
I blinked back tears,
And so did you
As you disappeared beyond the loading gate.

I remember our first kiss
In the middle of an October night,
Back when we still thought
We had a shot at this.
I couldn’t remember a time
Where I wanted anything more
Of your lips on mine,
Or your arms around me.
I really thought I was lucky to have you.

I remember you saying you loved me,
Couldn’t picture a life without me.
You talked about our future
And carefully maintained our bucket list
As we counted down days
Until I’d be in your arms again.
You wanted this no matter how much you say
We never meant a thing.
You said it and meant every word at one point.

I remember.
So don’t you dare say
We were just some stupid fling.
You may not remember anymore,
But I do.
And some days it all hits me at once
To the point where I can’t think of a time
I’ve ever felt more pain
Than my heart shattering again in my chest.

I remember
And I believed you,
And I wish more than anything
That I could forget
So maybe I could breathe again.

You were always a step ahead of me;
I was lost in you too many times to count.
You swept into my life at my darkest moment
And managed to show me
That maybe everything doesn’t have to hurt
And maybe this pain can be healed in time.
You left and took the light with you.
And now your back
And I wish I knew how to feel without you.

I’ve done and said everything
That I could,
But it still is not enough for you.
I don’t know exactly
What you want me to say.

I’m sorry that I’m difficult,
And I never can just agree;
I have to have the last word.

I’m sorry that I’m so stubborn,
And I fight tooth and nail,
Even when you think I’m wrong.

I’m sorry that I’m so indecisive,
And I can never make up my mind,
Maybe even about you.

I’m sorry that I shut down so easily,
And I go for days without speaking,
Or even getting out of bed.

I’m sorry I am this way
But there’s nothing I can do to change it;
I don’t know how to be any other way.

I’m sorry,
I’m sorry,
I’m sorry.

I’ve screamed apologies until
My throat was raw and my voice
Had vanished,
And even then
My mouth whispered around the words.

I’m sorry,
I’m sorry,
I’m sorry.

And it’s still not enough.

"

"I can’t love unless it’s you."

ou and I,
We had everything that
Soul mates are made of,
But our timing was never right.

I love you
There has never been a doubt,
Even in the darkest corners of my mind.
I have always known.

I love you.
Past.
Present.
Future.

The way you laugh fills my skin
With more warmth than the sun ever has,
And you glide right over my broken pieces,
Every single time I need you.

I know you’d fight the world for me,
Even if it killed you.
You’d rather be a martyr than see me hurt,
And that’s exactly why I have to go.

I can’t be the reason
You chip away your smile
Or the reason you set yourself on fire
When you know you won’t be saved.

Maybe if I wasn’t so broken,
We could be something greater
Than a perpetual hero
And damsel in distress.

But I’m still shattered
And nothing has changed.
I love you and this time
I have to save you instead.

"

"My hands still tremble 
Every time I hear your name,
Like all of the things I never said
Still live in my fingertips."

I guess the truth of the matter is
That I loved you to the point
Where I thought my lungs
Would collapse in my chest,
And you could only return the feeling
When you were five shots in
And the alcohol blurred your brain.

You could never love me sober.

I loved you like I love fire.
I needed the heat to stay alive,
And your touch had the power
To keep me warm for days.

I should have been smarter,
Kept myself at a distance,
But something about you
Made me want to jump head first.

You engulfed me completely
And now you’re gone
But I still bear the scars
Of everywhere you touched me.

You’re still a stranger to me,
But I know our hearts are already acquainted.

Some day, our paths will cross
And neither of our lives will ever be the same.
Maybe I’ll still be hesitant
Since my heart is still bruised,
And maybe you’ll be recovering
From a girl who let you bleed out for her.

Together we’ll pick up the pieces;
While the damage can’t be undone
I’ll whisper medicine into your ear
Underneath the cover of the moon and stars,
And you’ll brush the pieces of me with your touch
And your kiss will hold them together.

Maybe you’ll understand
Why my fingertips tremble in crowds
Or as 3 a.m. rolls around and I’m still not sleeping;
In return I’ll know the way
The demons whisper in your ear sometimes
Making you run from everything.

I’m not always easy to love
And you won’t be either;
I know that our life won’t always be easy,
But you’ll be worth it to me,
And I’ll be worth it to you.
We will fight the world and each other to remember that.

You don’t know me yet, but you will,
Because I know our hearts are the same.

"

"Maybe to the world
He doesn’t seem like much,
And he will never be able
To give you the moon and stars;
But when he looks at you
It’s like he finally sees
Just why people believe
In angels and heaven;
He looks at you like
Your smile could be his sunlight
And your eyes could always
Call him back home."

We were never right for each other.

You were warm summer nights,
Soft flames licking at the stars
And shots of fireball whiskey.
I managed to get drunk on your touch,
And forget that I have always been
The cold sting of winter days.

But I was drawn to you anyway,
By forces and logic I could never explain.
We never made sense,
But I loved you anyway.

I was too blinded by you
To realize that my skin and bones
Were melting at your feet.
The closer I got,
The more destroyed I became.
It wasn’t until you walked away
That I realized what you had done to me.

I was never meant to love you.

"

"We should have never even met"

"Through every storm
Your voice still screams the loudest
Come back. Please. Come back."

t’s killing me to figure out
That no matter what,
I have always been yours.

Even after the bitter fights
Where I screamed and cried enough
To make a thunderstorm look small,

Or after the silent standoffs
Where you looked directly into my eyes
And pretended to see right through me.

Even after all of the hell
We put each other through
My heart is in the palm of your hand.

I’ve tried to detach myself from you
Through space and silence and change,
But when it comes down to it I can’t.

I’m yours.
I have always been yours.
And I know I always will be.

"

"It’s been half a year
And I’m still having trouble
With you being gone"

I had been prepared
For failing a class,
Forgetting my homework,
Or for losing my notes.

I could have handled the storms
On my way to my next class,
The foot of snow in the middle of April,
Or the heatwave in September.

I’ve spent my life preparing myself
For any challenge that may come my way,
And out of all of this I was still unprepared
For you to up and leave my life.

"I cannot stay here
In a town haunted by you
Everywhere I look"

I’ve stopped waiting for the phone to ring
And for your voice to be on the other end,
Even though there’s still a small part of me
Wishing for it to be your name on my caller ID.

My head is still wrapping around the fact
That you aren’t the person I loved anymore;
Who you are as a person now is one that I don’t miss,
But my heart still aches when I think
About the guy you were and what we could have been.

I’m trying not to cringe every time someone says your name
But I still do.

I’m trying not to let you into my head,
But I still do.

I’m trying not to compare every single boy I meet to you,
His voice,
His laugh,
His smile,
But I still do.

My progress is flawed,
And I have to keep pushing myself to move forward,
And telling myself I don’t need or miss you,
Even though sometimes
I still do.

It all started on a Wednesday,
So it only seems fit that it ended on one as well.
I saw it coming from a mile away,
But it all seemed so surreal,
Especially with all the concerns I raised
All those months ago,
The ones you assured me weren’t problems for you
Suddenly spouting from your lips like excuses
To cushion the blow.

I saw it coming but it still
Felt like I got run over by a truck,
And no amount of smashing or burning
Has made it go away.
I watched the vase with the flowers you gave me
Shatter at my hands into glimmering pieces
And the letters and pictures
Go up in golden flames and smoke,
But I still can’t breathe.

You gave reasons and danced around it,
But the actual words never came from your lips.
Like I didn’t even deserve that closer
After everything.

I screamed and I cried and I still couldn’t
Pull this fucking blade from my heart,
And somehow, I still woke up this morning
Missing you.

please don’t forget
the songs we listened to
or the things we talked about
please don’t forget
the little inside jokes we had
or the laughs we shared
please don’t forget
my smile
or the sound of my voice
please don’t forget me












How many faces, how many bodies can you recognize, with your eyes closed, only by touching them? Have you ever closed your eyes and acted unconsciously? Or loved someone so blindly, you could almost feel their energy in a dark room and be moved by the powerful touch of their ideas? 

I am made for autumn. Summer and I have a fickle relationship, but everything about autumn is perfect to me. Wooly jumpers, Wellington boots, scarves, thin first, then thick, socks. The low slanting light, the crisp mornings, the chill in my fingers, those last warm sunny days before the rain and the wind. Her moody hues and subdued palate punctuated every now and again by a brilliant orange, scarlet or copper goodbye. She is my true love. 



Have you ever thought what your life would be like if you had never taken a risk? You probably would have never learned to walk, never moved away from home, never made a friend, and never really gone anywhere or done anything the least bit memorable. The truth is, we cannot grow without taking risks, without loosening our grip on the known and the certain, and taking a chance in reaching for a little bit more life. Some people are content with mere routine, a revolving-door exsistence of waking up, eating breakfast, going to work, coming home, going to bed. But others seem infected with a rage to live. Their secret is that they are always beginning something new. 

Still uncovering all the ways to 
bend without breaking.
Still looking for a love that doesn’t sting,
that doesn’t require a first aid kit.
Still trying to fix the drought in my 
mouth with anything but your saliva.
Still learning the art of persistence,
because the world will say no to you
a thousand times before it says yes.
Still learning how to laugh
without hesitation.
Still saying goodbye with a smile
on my face but a heart full of lead.
Still working out the quickest way
to replace old cells.
Still imagining the cicadas outside
the window are an orchestra tuning,
that the rain is you slowly turning 
the page of an old creased book, 
pushing your sliding glasses further
toward the bridge of your nose,
your lamp shade the only light for miles.
Still pretending breathing isn’t a chore,
that it’s as easy as reading the language
you are fluent in.
They say love is like riding a 
bicycle, that once you’ve learnt how to
steer the handle bars you never forget
how it feels, but I always 
trip over the pedals, 
crash into the asphalt,
wake up with the tires flat.
Is that how it is
with you? 





I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other’s wounds; they repair the broken skin. 


People seldom realize that they tell lies with their lips and truths with their eyes all the time. 


Sometimes I’m torn between the beauty and silence 4am holds. The lighting is really gentle, all you can smell is the slight wind gliding across your nose, and all you can hear is birds communicating with one another. Why do we spend most of this time in our beds, out cold? I’ve never appreciated the world more than I have at this very moment. I feel the small bit of innocence in me I thought I lost. It’s still alive, and it’s not in your grip. 5am is holding it. 


"I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.

"Two people who were once very close can without blame or grand betrayal become strangers. Perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world."

"Writers end up writing about their obsessions. Things that haunt them; things they can’t forget; stories they carry in their bodies waiting to be released."

"How could she feel nostalgia when he was right in front of her? How can you suffer from the absence of a person who is present? You can suffer nostalgia in the presence of the beloved if you glimpse a future where the beloved is no more."

"Memories don’t last, but it is the value that you give to the shared memories that do."

"Choose your friends and mates, not by the money in their bank account, creed, ethnicity, or color; instead, choose character, actions, heart, and soul. When we bleed, we bleed the same color."

"I’m not fascinated by people who smile all the time. What I find interesting is the way people look when they are lost in thought, when their face becomes angry or serious, when they bite their lip, the way they glance, the way they look down when they walk, when they are alone and smoking a cigarette, when they smirk, the way they half smile, the way they try and hold back tears, the way when their face says they want to say something but can’t, the way they look at someone they want or love… I love the way people look when they do these things. It’s… beautiful.

"Every great loss demands that we choose life again. We need to grieve in order to do this. The pain we have not grieved over will always stand between us and life. When we don’t grieve, a part of us becomes caught in the past…"

“You did not love me,
You just loved the fact that I was here for you.
You loved the attention I gave you,
You loved the fact that I would drop anything for you.
You did not love me, but god,
I loved you”

i may act like i’m sassy but if you’re mean to me there is a 900% chance i’ll cry

“Make me forget I loved him.”

“I tried, I tried really fucking hard to find the good in you. But after everything, I am convinced that it does not exist.”

“Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I’m heavy, like there’s too much gravity on my heart.”

“When god became lonely
he created man,
Or was it
When man became lonely
he created god.

“You are at my door (metaphorically
anyway) with her voice in your
nail beds. I can see it as you reach
for my hand. I can see the mouth
you’ve been pushing your finger
into. You thought I would be okay
living in some box by the front
door; the glove you used to keep
the cold away while you waited for
someone to hold. No, no, I’m not
some hang-around, feel-good,
back-shelf token you can pull
out when you’re chilled. You’re
holding out your pinky-finger as
a promise we’ll be friends forever
but it’s been a long time since I
wanted to be your friend. I grab
your whole hand and shake it.
Goodbye.
You can’t have us both.”

protip: refer to all your mistakes as “artistic choices”

“It seems to me now that the plain state of being human is dramatic enough for anyone; you don’t need to be a heroin addict or a performance poet to experience extremity. You just have to love someone.”

“No. It was nothing. I know what it was. It was only that this was one of those days when you know how good it is to be here. And so you suddenly think — what if we hadn’t made it?”

“What doesn’t kill you
leaves scars
ruins your lungs
dries out all your tears
leaves you lying awake at 4 in the morning
wishing you weren’t alive.”

“Cause you never think that the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever, but you don’t.”

“Just for once, I hope that my absence made them feel lonely.”

acoustic cover of me crying

“…in that drunken place
you would
like to hand your heart to her
and say
touch it
but then
give it back.”

“I have spent too long
Grasping at words
I could use to
Define myself
When I should have been
Grasping every opportunity to
Discover myself.”

— M.S.

"I try so hard. But is it all worthwhile?"
Then, my dreams whisper back to me:
"Yes. Please don’t give up."

All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know

“Wake me up at 3am just to tell me that I’m not close enough. Wake me again at 7am because we need to get ready for the day. Once more at 7:15 because we both know I don’t do mornings. Tell me about the dream you had last night while we have toast and orange juice. I’m tired as hell but I hear and feel every single word that you say. Ask me how I slept because you feel like you’ve been talking for too long. My answer is always the same when you ask, sleeping next to you is heavenly. Apologize for waking me up at 3 while I assure you that it’s okay and that I’m so glad that you did, then rally in your stubborn persistence the notion that it was out of line. Start explaining how wrong it was. You won’t get very far into your rant because I need to kiss you. Not only to stop you from being ridiculous but because I love you so much more than I can express with words. So please, wake me up at 3am so I can pull you closer and kiss you softly. “I love you endlessly” will be my sleepy response each time; as those four words are the only ones that can even come close to explaining my feelings for you.”

“To get over one addiction, you have to become addicted to something else.”

my laptop is warmer than my heart

im sorry i didnt tell you how much i care
and im sorry i didnt try harder

“After a while, you learn the difference between holding a hand, and falling in love. You’ll learn kisses don’t always mean something. Promises can be broken just as easily as they were made, and as hard as it is to believe, sometimes goodbyes are forever.”

“and with those eyes, you could have set the sky on fire, but you chose to burn me instead.”

“You’re not the kind of girl who settles. Keep not settling.”

“I will never stop losing my breath every time I see you looking back at me.”

“What if we never end?
What if we’re forever?
But not in a fairytale way,
what if
this,
us,
the way we are right now
is how we stay forever?
What if twenty years from now
you’re still looking for something
in girls that mean nothing,
and I’m still trying to build a home
in boys with your voice,
and every now and again
we meet
and make a mistake
only to go back
to lives that seem perfect.
What if forty years from now
my kids ask me if I’ve ever been in love
and the first thing that comes to mind
is your name,
but see, they won’t have your eyes,
or your smile
and so I’ll lie the way I do now,
and I’ll call you after midnight, my time,
and ask you to tell me what dawn looks like.
And what if sixty years from now
we meet again,
wrinkled and grey,
in our cafe,
and we realize that the mistakes
were the best choices we ever made?
What if sixty years from now is too late?
What if our forever
is running away
just to find a way back?
What if right now,
we’re writing the forever?”

“I keep coming back to you,
but it’s not for love,
it’s for pain-
I want you to hurt me,
over and over again,
until leaving feels like survival
and not a quiet death.”

“Do not settle for tasteless love.”

“I can’t stop thinking about how it felt having your body next to mine and your fingers doing circles up and down my thigh. And even though you thought I was sleeping, I was really just trying to find a way to tell you how much I loved you. I still am.”

“I love you in waves,
and lately,
everyday has been a hurricane.”

Wherever you go,
you will find beauty,
if you convince yourself
to search for it.

“Do not rely on your ears, nor believe your eyes. Do not place confidence in a single thing, except the one you believe to love.”

“We write to remember… or forget.”

“Before him
I used to talk
When I felt
This way
And now
I don’t.”

“One day,
Perhaps you’ll
Stumble
Across these
Scattered words
That escape
My shaking fingertips.
And perhaps
You’ll read them.
And perhaps
You’ll like them.
And I hope
You never know,
They’re all
About
You.”

“Letting people in
Is easy until
You know
How hard
It is to
Let them
Go again.”

“My survival instinct
Tells me
I need to stop caring
Too much
About everything
But it doesn’t
Tell me
How.”

“If I could sum up my life in just a few words, I can easily say that it’s made from a million memories of a few years ago, but not a single one from yesterday.”

 "Not everything 
can be bought with money” - I thought;
And then I bought something.

 The morning came
and just as it came
it went away;
While trying to write something
I wrote something
about how I could not write
anything, today. 

 In our quest to change this world,
we accidentally end up changing the people on it.

 I think it’s better this way.
To look at the sky, but to not touch it.
Cause some things crave to be watched, but not to be touched.
Just like you were to me;
Something to be watched, but never, never to be touched. 

 I usually love people for the things they do, except you, I love you because you are you. 

 This world is way too small for me to able to fall in love twice. 

If you are smart to find a song that can reveal your true feelings,
then you are definitely smart enough to write a song that truly reveals your feelings. 

 So I am leaving now…
even though, I was never there
with you!
So I am leaving now…
and from what, I have no clue. 

in another space
in another time
I’ll definitely be yours,
and hopefully-
you’ll be mine 

This goes to the liars
To those that loved for real
This goes to the ones
That woke up tired
For their nights were long
And their tears were real. 

or she was the highway
that brought me to hell. 

If they cut me open, in search for me
I’m sure, they’d find you.

“I know I am not worthy of your time,
just as I know that you are not worthy of mine.”

Loving you made me hard, and sick
of having such an open heart,
and afraid that everyone who claims to love me
is a liar.
Now, I’m closed off at best,
and silent most days, and I’ve never
really trusted people
but now my best friend is sick of wondering
if I’m okay, and my heart is all over
but no one can see it.
Now, I’m mostly empty and
often defeated.
Loving you was the best thing
that ever happened to me, but it was
an opportunity that ended
before I had the chance to show my best qualities.
I’m afraid that you feel sick
when you think of me.
Loving you made me hope, and kept
me alive for a while, and it gave me a future
when all I wanted was to die, and
it may of turned me into a piece of shit
in the end, and maybe it was all
a game of pretend, and maybe now I’m too damn
scared to put my heart on the line,
but some of the best days of my stupid life
were the days when you were mine.”

LOVING YOU / LOSING YOU

“It’s not always easy to say “that’s that” and
continue with life. Sometimes,
your ribcage becomes a home for 
the darkness and you find yourself having
to walk for miles through caves
before you find your heart. Sometimes,
you don’t find it at all.
Sometimes, you spend hours with
you fingers to your wrist,
your chest, your neck, trying to
find a pulse just to prove you’re alive. Sometimes,
you decide that’s not enough.
Sometimes, you can’t find it within you
to wash the bedsheets, or the papers that are
piling up on your desk, and you find
that even the mess all over the floor hardly
compares to the one inside your fucking head.
Sometimes, the noise gets so loud
that you want to scream when someone
tries to say “hello” and they can be 
as friendly as ever, but all
you can think is “I don’t deserve it I don’t
deserve it I DON’T DESERVE IT” and
you have to analyse every
conversation you’ve had, trying to
figure out whether their kindness is fake,
and no matter how many times
they’ve smiled at you
and hugged you and whispered “I love you”
you still can’t convince yourself
that they do. Sometimes, you lock the
window and hide the key and
you pull up the covers over your head even
though they’re getting dirty
and you turn off your phone and close
your eyes really tight and
put your hands over your ears, but
you find you still can’t shut the world out
and the noise is still so loud
and you scream into the pillow
and you find that you can’t fucking cry
so you ask yourself “why?” and
you come to a conclusion. You spend
three hours whispering “I deserve it I deserve
it” and then it’s bouncing off the walls
inside your head “I DESERVE IT” and
when you finally get out of bed
and text your best friend,
all they say is “why didn’t you answer
when I called” and all you can
think is “nobody’s home”.
And you’re so sick of the emptiness
that you tear at your skin
just to prove that there’s something
inside, and that maybe even,
you’re full. You’re so desperate to feel something
that you climb the highest tree
you can find and hope that someone
will break your fall, you scrub
yourself for hours until the dirt is all gone
and you inspect your fingernails
when your done and finally convince
yourself that you’re not dirty,
you put ice on your ears as if that’ll
soothe the marks of the words
that’ve been thrown at you.
It’s not a sad story until you make it
one, so you stitch your lips
into a smile and laugh until your
throat is fucking sore, and
then you laugh even more because
that’s what it takes to get
it through to your head that this
is it and you’re gonna have to
live like this for a long time, for most
of your life, or at least,
sometimes.”

I understand that
there is not
always space
for the lonely girl.

I understand that silence
isn’t quite as appealing
to you as the buzz of a
crowded world.

I understand that
a lot of the time
people simply forget.

I understand that
it doesn’t mean
you love me less.

I understand
that I’d be something
other than your
fourth choice next time.

I understand that
your mind doesn’t think
a lot like mine.

I understand that I’m
difficult to deal with when I
pretend that it’s
okay.

I understand that
when I become distant
you don’t know what
to say.

I understand as much
as I can, the reason
for the things you do.

I understand, at least
I try, but it’s still
hurts to feel like
nothing to you.

I understand but,
I don’t understand.

”

I have showered under cold water
without so much as flinching
but when you said you didn’t love me
my insides turned to ice

I have had voices screaming at me
for fifteen years or so
but when you answered me with silence
my heart seemed to shatter twice

And I’ve been known to put far too many
sugar cubes in my cups of tea
but when you wrapped me up in your words
I thought I’ve never been anywhere so sweet

So, despite the fact that I don’t tend to
wrap up when I become cold
I still find it strange that I shiver at your name
yet I can’t find it within me to let you go

“they tell you not to make decisions when you are angry,
but hate can fuel the burning of bridges;
i poured gasoline over the remnants of my love for you
and set them aflame,
that was how i knew i would never forget you
but also how i knew i’d be able to mend my heart again.”

“You are the only forever that I have ever wished would last.”

You gave me a recipe for love,
it was scribbled onto my heart
one summer evening;

‘late night phone calls,
the brightest star in the sky,
every time I make you laugh
when you feel like you could cry,
the words “I’m proud”,
the sun when it’s setting
and the moon finally comes out,
a pinch of sadness
at all the miles in between,
and a tablespoon of hoping this
anger at the world will leave you soon.
sprinkle on some 3AM magic
and there you have it.’

You gave me a recipe for heartbreak,
it was hastily written on my skin,
one summer morning,
and I still haven’t washed it off,
completely - it only said one word;

‘goodbye.’

i want to be your best friend,
i want to share experiences, i want to be
overwhelmed by nature with you,
i want to buy a house, and live with you,
i want do things that i’m to scared
to do alone, and i want to do them with you,

see, i want to be your best friend,
and listen to all your problems,
be the one you go to when you feel like
the world isn’t just on your shoulders, it’s on
your heart, weighing it down so much
that you feel like it’s in your toes now, and
you’re shrinking, and you’re falling, and i want to
be there when you just don’t know,
when you need advice on how to fucking let go,

i want to be your best friend through
the inevitable heartbreak, i want
to pick up the pieces that fell from your chest
and give them to you
and remind you that you have the power to
put them back together, i want to watch you
put them back together,

see, i wanna make you laugh and smile
and cry tears of joy, only,
i will never once tell you that you owe me
a thing, ‘cause i feel like i owe you the world,
but i hope that a hug will do for now,

see, i want to be your best friend,
but i want to be so much more than that,
i want to be your beginning and your end
because i know that the end is the part where you
finally feel okay, and i want to be that for you,
i want to take away the pain, help you realise
that’s it’s okay to feel again,
i want to be the day you realise that
things can be better, i want to be the day
you watch the sunrise and you swear that you can see
the most beautiful colours in the sky,
i want to be the sky,
i want to be your sky,

i want to be your best friend,
i want to be the way you smile when
you see the words ‘the end’
on your favourite movie, i want you to press
rewind and watch me all over again,
i want to be the good time around the bend,
i want to be there with you, beside you,

but i’m scared, because i think i want to be more
than just your best friend,
but i don’t think i’m even that
to you.

1. i just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me, even if we’ve never spoken before

2. i need to tell you this, it’s important

3. you mean the world to me already

4. one day, i’m going to turn up at your doorstep and we’re going to explore the world

5. i promise

6. i swallowed the pills

7. you can’t leave me, it’s not fair, come back

8. every night i look at the moon and think of two people. you’re one of them.

9. i see the star, too, i think it’s our star

10. i’ve been seeing you everywhere i go. it’s almost like i can touch you, and i can sometimes trace your cheeks before you go

11. i didn’t mean to hurt you, i’m going to leave now

12. you’re all i can think about and it hurts my heart to know that you can’t be here

13. i’m in love with you

14. this was the only thing you ever did to hurt me

15. i’m going to miss you

”

I mean, we had so many things that kept us going, but I feel like this could’ve been the saviour.

Then again, maybe we weren’t meant to be saved. Maybe if we were meant to be saved, I would’ve found this sooner, or you would’ve tried harder. Maybe this is meant for someone else, not you.

Maybe saying goodbye was the best thing, after all.

“I would do everything. I’d become a vegan and make beautiful foods and instagram them. I’d stop going online so damn much and start going to forests. I’d skydive. I’d make sure to have at least one meal at a fancy restaurant without caring about what I look like. I’d stop caring about everything apart from you. I’d tell you I’m in love with you and I’d goddamn mean it. I’d take you on all those dates and kiss you. A lot. I’d burn every letter I wrote her after reading them and crying a lot. I’d dance in the rain. I’d be happy. I’d be happy. I’d be happy.”

“I shouldn’t be crying over you. Do you know how pathetic I feel right now, at quarter past four in the morning, waiting up for a message I’ll never get? You tell me I’m special, but I know that you’re lying. I want to know if you say that to every other girl, too. I really hope you don’t. But you have the whole world chasing after you. And what am I compared to the world?”

This is me. I’m sensitive and brutal and vicious and sweet. I’m full of contradictions but I know that someone will be able to make sense of them one day. And I’ll be waiting.

”

i see you in the sunlight because you swore your hair
is not ginger like a sunset, but brown like
walking through a forest in winter, when all you can see are
bare trees; or sometimes slightly golden,
when a ray of sunlight seeps through the canopies.

i see you in the christmas decorations on my bed and
the fairly lights on my shelf because
you said christmas was difficult, and i wonder
if you have a christmas tree up yet, and because i saw your
fairy lights and they look lovely like you.

i see you in city lights and hear you in traffic and
london’s chatter and the cold winter breeze when i walk
into the city, because i wish you were here
to make the city really come to life.

i see you in hot chocolate and movies and picnic baskets,
and blankets laid out on my favourite hillside, because
you still need to make me that hot chocolate,
and we still need to watch your favourite movie
on a blanket with a pre-prepared picnic on my favourite
hillside with the river down below.

i see you in the stars at night and the sun when it rises because
you said we could watch them both together,
and i’m still waiting for the day we do.

”

I see you everywhere, somehow,

his is how much you hurt me

I wish I could string together some pretty words like a piece of patchwork to describe the way you left my heart as a pile of crushed pieces somewhere still on my sleeve, but there’s nothing lovely about heartbreak. There’s nothing beautiful about the train that seems to rest inside my chest until I see your name, and suddenly it’s smashing repeatedly against a ribcage that is already on the verge of its break.

And there’s nothing worth mentioning about the way I think my airways might be blocked by a knife or two, but I’ll mention it still, because these words are meant to somehow get to you. I’m starting to think that the way you hacked at my skin with words poisoned by sin has just forced my airways to collapse completely - you really took my breath away.

And at first I thought there was something exhilarating about not being able to breathe but now it’s just a pain in the neck and I wish you’d give me my breath back, because you’ve held it in your stupid, soft hands for far too long.

I’ve written poems upon stories upon songs about the way I miss you like I miss catching snowflakes when I was five years old, but ‘goodbye’ is not a pretty song. It’s crying on the floor, the blanket stuffed under the door, because I don’t want anyone to see me like this, I’m supposed to be strong.

And I hate that you could make me so weak that I could barely speak for days without thinking something inside me would break. And my throat was so sore because I kept trying to cough out your name, but it still rests on my tongue at the end of the day, when I’m watching movies that remind me that fixing hearts isn’t fucking easy - I want to throw something at the goddamn screen. 

And my heart may be fixed with double sided tape and consolation and little dates, but I’m not here to rub it in your face that I will move on one day. I’m just saying that I wish opening a book wasn’t attached to worries of how much it’s going to make me cry or how much I’m going to want to tear apart the page where the lover says ‘it’s okay’ when it’s not. This is not okay, and it’ll never be okay that I can’t go more than half an hour without wanting to slip your name into the conversation.

I wish there was some pretty way to say, ‘I miss you, but I shouldn’t because you made me lose all faith that there could be a me after you,’ but there isn’t. And for once I won’t say I’m sorry, because I wasn’t the one who stopped loving you. And for once, I won’t pretend to say ‘goodbye’ because I’ve tried that countless times and it just ends in watery eyes every goddamn night. 

And that is how much you hurt me.

i miss the way your voice sounded
through the phone at 2am
after days without sleep and nights filled
with thoughts that made me want
to rip out my mind

you seemed to make it so much better
with a simple hello

i miss knowing that i could calm you
down with ‘just breathe’ and
a reassurance that one day i’d hold you so
tightly that you’d think i’d been
there all along

and i miss waiting, waiting, waiting,
always waiting for you to come here and
drag me from this terrible place,
because now i have nothing to wait for
and waiting kept me sane

but it drove me so insane to think
that i was only ever waiting, only ever talking,
only ever writing you letters that still
sit in a stupid box, hidden in my closet,
along with all those stupid pictures

and there’s nothing i can do to make you
feel better anymore and you can’t
just turn up on my doorstep
with arms open wide and a promise
to whisk me away

there’s no more waiting, no more talking,
no more ‘hello’ and no more ‘just breathe’
and no more knowing that just the
sound of my laugh could light up your face
and make you forget that you had ever
felt so sad that you might die

i’m truly sorry that my fingers won’t type out
an e-mail saying ‘i miss you’
simple as that

and it feels like i’ll forever be waiting
for you to call me up and tell me you miss me
simple as that

but missing people is a lot more complicated
than it sounds, because it’s filled with
boxes full of unsent letters and pictures,
and tears that aren’t the result of laughter

and i never thought missing someone would end
in unmade beds and messy floors and the
knowledge that neither of us are smiling much
these days

and i’m crying because i wasn’t supposed
to miss you, like this
at all

”

Someone shoot me just to let me know if I’m dreaming.

I have this insane jealousy hidden within me, centering around people who probably don’t even like me that much.

sometimes I’m writing a poem but the memory becomes too painful and I sort of just stop writing so that I don’t ruin it

I loved you. I let you go. You didn’t come back. I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know what to do now.

For example, it’s been nine months since the last time I kissed you and I still have days when I want to knock down your door and ask if we can try to fall in love again. Even though you’re seeing someone else. Even though I’m still tripping over myself trying to steal my heart back from the girl who came after you. Even though it would never work out.

I asked you for an apology four months ago, when I was sliding into a relationship with someone who had the same colored eyes as you, and you said you had never fallen out of love with me. You knew about her and said you wouldn’t ask for me to leave her just so I could go back to being miserable with you. But you wanted to.

I was so angry with you that I felt like swallowing acid was the only way to burn it all away. My hatred wrinkled my stomach lining and tore up my throat and I asked if my feelings were some kind of game to you. Look at what you could win – someone’s heart, all shiny and new. I asked if telling me that you were breaking up with me before was a way of giving me some time to polish off the tarnish that had grown in between our shouting matches. That now that I was clean again, you wanted it back, to place on your mantel. You said that you even missed the way I yelled at you, missed how I asked what the hell are you doing to us. You said it was all your fault, waiting for me to disagree. But I didn’t.

I want to say I’m sorry for that. It’s been over sixteen weeks and my hatred has withered and curled. Some days, I want to say that I’m sorry that I wrote poetry about you and posted it on the internet because I knew you would see it there. Even though you did the same.

Even though it was your fault, I want to say I’m sorry for not denying it. For not doing my goddamn duty as someone who was stumbling over love and saying no, we share the blame on this one. I’m sorry I was too angry to think past digging my pen into the places where I used to kiss you and spelling I never fucking loved you into your skin. I want to apologize for how I lied to you. I want to apologize even though, in the end, it was you who hurt me the most.

I’m sorry about the poems.

I’m handing out apologies to anyone who will take them now. I wonder when I’ll stop feeling so damn guilty for existing – I stalled out at a red light yesterday and the driver behind me honked his horn so loud I felt it right down to my bones. After I started up again, I pulled into the nearest parking lot and cried for twenty minutes, whispering apologies for wasting their time and keeping them from where they wanted to go. I almost called the last girl I kissed and said I was sorry for using too much teeth because I had wanted to bite my name into her lip so she wouldn’t leave like you had. The only thing that stopped me is that when she dumped me, she had said not to call her, and I would’ve had to apologize for that too.

I’m holding my heart in my hand these days, posting sticky notes under my sternum to remind it not to feel too much. I was sucking in sobs the last time I talked to my mother on the phone and she said I breathed too loud. It’s a wonder I don’t explode every time someone asks if I’m okay.

I’m in a relationship with my apologies and it’s complicated. Because all my other lovers ended it with an “it’s not you, it’s me.” But Sorry keeps coming back to say

“It’s you.

It’s you.

It’s you.”

i want to meet someone
who makes my name sound
better coming from their lips
than it ever did from yours

someone who pours love
instead of hate
from their fingertips

someone who turns
the black white and grey
into colours and shades

who reminds me what
it is like to feel truly
whole again

who dives deep into
who i am and (this time)
stays

“I think we need people in our lives to be happy, sure. But I think the difference between finding happiness from talking to people in general and depending your happiness on a certain person is astounding. You have to find a balance between being happy to talk to a person and thinking that you’d never be happy if you weren’t talking to them. Your happiness depends on you, but if you hide yourself away from the world, shutting out every single person who tries to speak to you, you won’t be happy.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone better than you, however, I think that maybe I’ll find someone who can do better things for me.”

“Realise that she wasn’t The One. I know, that’s a hard concept to swallow, but she hurt you, and you deserve better. You know it, deep down you know it. Find someone else to fall for. Don’t find someone else to fall for. You don’t want to get hurt again. It isn’t worth it. She wasn’t worth it. But you can live without her, because believe it or not, life is worth it. She is not your life.”

“We spend our whole lives waiting for it to happen. But, what exactly is ‘it’? It’s as if we expect some magical switch in our heads to turn on, and for everything to click together, but it doesn’t work like that. You’re going to have moments where you break down, but that doesn’t make you broken. You’re going to have moments where you feel free - you are. You’re not always going to feel this sad, and you’re not always going to feel so happy. But you have to make the decision to pay attention to what matters and to accept what doesn’t. You are the only thing that is holding you back. You’re trying to fit yourself into a bunch of ideals. Who are you? You think of yourself as words, as if they define you, as if you’re nothing without them. No. You’re a person. You’re a person who has all the potential in the world to do and be anything. It’s all up to you. No one else can make the choice for you, but it’s there, and you have every right to make it yours.”

“You’re in denial. That’s fine. It’s fine for you to realise that you’re in denial and still be in denial about it. I know you don’t want to admit it’s over - take your time. There’s no rush, you’ve got your whole life to realise that she wasn’t worth it for the times she made you cry. You don’t have to realise it today. One day you will. That’s fine. Just make sure you know that you can survive without her. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you can. And you will.”

didn’t i at least deserve a goodbye kiss?

"I’ll marry a man who knows how I take my tea, coffee, and alcohol
And knows when to make which."

"I want to be wrapped in your arms, but instead you’re wrapped in my thoughts."

by I miss you.

Maybe I’m in love or maybe I’m not in love or maybe I’ve tasted love before and haven’t brushed my teeth in a while.

Girl look at that body,

Girl look at that body,

Girl look at that body,

We should probably call the police who knows how long it’s been in the river.

i can’t even pick my favorite song what makes you think i can pick a boyfriend

let’s watch a scary movie together and get so freaked out that the only option is to have sex 

fuck you but fuck me first

When you were here, I took your
presence for granted, and I don’t
have to write a poem full of
apologies for you to know that.
I’m tired of hinting around
the truth, and I don’t want
my feelings of then and now
to be a mystery to you anymore.
So here it is, the missing clue,
the last piece of my dedication
and the remaining detail
of my heart. I am finally giving
this to you because I know
that my love for you has been
a case that you never could
solve on your own.

You will fall in love
with someone who is
not me and no matter
how much it hurts 
I will be happy for you.
I will have hope that
this time things will
work out for you and
that this time your love
will not be taken for
granted. So when you
fall in love with someone
who is not me, I will
be happy for you. Even
though my heart knows
that I would be much
happier with you.

I admire people who have the ability to touch you and still be thousands of miles from your presence.

I’ve been told that I love
too hard, too much, too soon
and too often for it to really
be the kind of love that is
everlasting. But in my heart
it is not that way. In my
heart there is a vacant room
that is waiting for someone to
fill the space with their presence,
with their forever, with their
love. So when someone tries
to tell me that I love too much,
too often, I will say that at least
my love is on full. That I will
not give up or give in just because
there is no room inside
of my reserved heart for them.

 

I’ll take a plate of truth,
cooked rare and served
with confidence. I’ll also
have the two sides that
are offered with the meal.
For the first side I’ll have
dedication, and for my
second, I’ll have a small
portion of coincidence.
If you can, please bring
everything out together.
I want to see everything
I ordered at once so I know
it was exactly what I asked
for. But for now I’ll take
a glass of integrity. I want
to be ready when my meal
of legitimacy is in front of me,
ready to be digested.

I find myself waiting
for a call from you, a text
message, an email, a letter
in my mailbox with a Vincent
van Gogh stamp in the corner.
I’m still waiting, still anticipating
for the moment when you
will bring me back into your
life, or come back into mine.
It’s been nine months since I have
last heard from you. We went
from being inseparable for three
years to being complete strangers
in a matter of minutes. What were
we thinking when we thought
that this distance between us
could only make us stronger,
only bring us closer together?
We were fools in love from the
very start, and now that we
have reached our end I can
still only see us as those hopeless
romantics who are yearning
for love like it was the only
feeling that we ever needed
to keep us from falling apart.

I’ve been finding myself waiting
for your words lately. Waiting for
a sign that this might not be
over yet, and that maybe we 
could go back to the beginning
and start off from where
we have never been before.
We went from strangers
to lovers in a matter of moments.
There was never an in-between,
never a, let’s just be friends.
We have always wanted more,
always yearned for more.

I still want you, and I still want
your everything. I never stopped
wanting you. Even when you
said that you no longer wanted
me. But it’s always been like this
for us, hasn’t it? Someone always
longing for someone who doesn’t
even know what it is that they
want and who they will end up
sharing it with. But I don’t care
about how many people you have
loved while I was away because
I still want you, I still want this,
and I will always still want us.

It is never too soon or soon enough for love. It’s always welcome and always desired and always given in return. And I have a lot of love for you. I have a lot of everything for you. You could tell me you hate me, burn all my letters, cross my name out of every poem and delete me from every network, every memory, every part of your brain, and I would still feel love and tenderness for you. I would always understand why you are doing this to me and to your heart. I will always support you, fight for you, think of you as a light that will never burn out even if the wind is trying it’s best to diminish the flames. If you want to forget me, that’s fine, I understand. But just know that no matter how hard you wish me away, how much you try to forget about me, how many months you spend in your bed next to someone who could care less about what you are dreaming of, I will never forget about you.

I’m still running around
in circles trying to figure out
where it started to go wrong,
and where it was exactly
that I started to miss
your hearts inevitable need 
to distance itself from mine.

I was never enough for you
until you were left with nothing,
no one to give you love. Am I
supposed to wait around for you
to realize that this is really what
you want, that I am who you want.
I have things I need to do too,
you know. The clock is not
only ticking for you and time
is not waiting for only you to 
get it together. You only seemed
to ever want me when my heart
started putting the pieces together,
started noticing that there is
only one person who wants this
at all times, through everything.
So don’t be surprised when you
come back home to a half-empty
house that is filled with only
your belongings, your memories.
Because I have things to do
too and I’m not going to waste
my moments waiting on you
to see that I have always
been more than enough.

You didn’t want my love
until my heart seemed to
no longer want you. 
And now that I am finally
moving on from your
memory, you want me
now more than ever.

When we first met
I thought you were 
going to become
my entire universe.
I thought your heart
would be the reason
to my world revolving.
But then you were
finally in my arms 
and all I could think
of was a way to get
you out of them.
When we first met
I thought you were
going to become 
my entire universe.
But all you ended up
becoming was the
reason to all of my
galaxies falling out
of their alignment.

By thinking of you
I am taunting my body
and my fragile heart
from the bitter truth.

But I would rather
torment myself with your
missing presence than to
be without you at all.

I want to be the reason
that you never want to
give up on love. That you
will always keep fighting
even when your fists are
worn out and all they want
to do is surrender. I want
to be the reason that you
will never give up on love,
because you are the reason
that I am still holding on
to this idea of forever.

Could you really imagine
us being together and happy?
Or it that just a thought
that will keep you warm on
days of harsh and bitter
loneliness? Can you imagine
us being that way forever?
Or is it only when times get
tough and the feeling of
surrendering starts to suffocate
you? If that’s the case,
will you no longer see us
in the way you can now?
I will be here through
everything, and I just need
to make sure that you will
be here through it all too.

Forever doesn’t
mean anything
if it doesn’t mean
you and me.

I’m trying to find the words
to tell you that I love you
but all I can think about
are your lips against mine
and how much I want
forever to taste like that.

the sky is waiting
for you to come home.

My heart will never
be yours to keep,
to hurt, to break.
I will never give
all of my love
to someone
who is as
cruel as
you.

I miss the way you used to
look at me when your eyes
were full of hopeful love.

i tied you to the sky
so in that case i will never
lose sight of you.

You want to forget about me. You want to
erase everything that we had ever
created together, so you climb onto
another lover whose hands will never do
the proper justice that my hands once did.
You press your lips against their lips
in hopes of finally forgetting everything that
we had ever shared. But I can assure you
that it won’t be that easy to remove
my memory from every part of your body
because I am a permanent part
of your structure. And if you rid of me,
if you try to move the remaining pieces
of what we have left, there is no telling
what might happen to the both of us.

I use your absence as inspiration
to make the pain of it a little more bearable.

When you break her heart
for the first time, don’t tell her
that you understand, that
you didn’t mean to, that you
will always love her. Why?
Because you’ll be breaking
her heart all over again.
She’ll use your synthetic sympathy
as a crutch, see it as a sign
that you might return someday.
Don’t do that to her, not again.
Don’t make her believe that
there is still a chance, because
you know as well as I do
that there is no fighting chance.
That there are no regrets
lining the walls of your heart.
You broke her into two. So please,
leave her alone to mend
the pain, to fill the emptiness,
to start over without you
in the hopeful parts of her heart.

"Let her start over without starting with you," 

We miss each other
because we don’t want to
forget about the feeling
that we used to think
was so alive and well.

We love each other
because we don’t want to
give up on this just yet.

We need each other
because we don’t want to
lie in this bed alone,
reminding ourselves that we
could have tried harder.

And we cling to each other
because we are still
not ready to let go.

It’s on a day like today
that I wish you were still here,
still giving this a fighting chance.
A day like today, where nothing
is going wrong or right, and time
feels stuck between the whistling
leaves on the trees that have
seen something like this before.
We could have been content.
We could have remembered
together why it all seemed
worth the risk when it came
to love. On a day like today,
we could have pushed through.

It’s not that easy.
I can’t just forget about you
when you were a part of me.
When you were once
everything to me, and I
was once everything to you
too. Even if I try to forget
about you, you’re still going to
be there, in the back
of my mind. And if not there,
then inside of my heart.

The longer you stay away,
the more I seem to miss you.

I’m not going to
say goodbye because
I’m not ready to
accept that what we
had is really over.
Even though our love
was toxic, I cannot
seem to rid of the posion
that still remains
in my strung out heart.

just another sunset
without you by my side

You can make love
to as many men as you’d like,
but when that fiery passion starts
to subside, you will be thinking
of the one you really want.
The one who made your heart
ignite. The one brought you
to this meltdown in the first place.

I will forever be haunted
by the thought of how it could
have been if we would have both
just let our weak and tortured past go.

I’ve spent so much of my time
loving someone who would never
really give a damn if I even loved them at all.

You have given
me all of the love
that I have always
thought I never
deserved.

You will always be
my favorite hello,
and my most painful
goodbye.

I should just forget
about you. What’s the
use in waiting for
someone who will
never really know
how to accept love,
or to give it back
in return. You really
are a lost cause.

I’m trying to separate
the parts of myself that
remind me of you.
But I cannot find a way
to do that without removing
every piece of myself
that matters the most.

at least the sky
doesn’t take my love
for granted

You can continue trying
to convince yourself
that it’s you that I am
writing about, or that it’s
the thought of you that
keeps me up at night.
But I have not dreamed
about you in months,
or have woken up every
morning with your face
in my mind. I let the fire
of your memory subside
when I finally realized
that this thing we had,
this forced kind of love
that we had created, only
felt real when we both had
nothing else to look forward to.

And when you lose her
because you were the one
who stopped searching for her
in the first place, don’t expect
her to one day follow the path
back to your arms.
She’s looking for something too.
So don’t be surprised
when she finds someone
who will never lose her
from their sight.
She has always been looking
for a place to call home,
and she has always wanted
the light in someones eyes
to help guide her there.

The first time someone breaks your heart, you will feel like it’s the end. Your hands may bruise from holding on to something that just wants to be let go, so do your skin a favor and release. One day, you will look back on the first time you felt empty and you won’t be able to understand how you were ever able to fall so low, so fast.

The second time someone tries to break your heart, you will be more prepared. It’s going to hurt, but you’ll remember that you survived, and that thought alone will help with some of the pain of trusting someone with your heart again.

The third time, when someone tries to break your heart, they won’t even be able to reach for it. You’ve been ready for this. Your heart has been blocked off by caution tape, and it has never again tied around it twice, so not even you can get to it.

And when you fall in love, for real this time, your heart will have already broken out of its own safety net. Before your mind can tell your heart that it’s okay to be vulnerable again, your heart will have already softened itself. Your heart knows all the tricks now. It will know the sincerity in someone’s voice and this time, it will not be fooled by the word love. So trust what your heart is telling you when it’s telling you that it’s going to be okay. Listen to the experience of its words and let it surrender. It needs your hands to set it free. Your heart has been damaged before, but hell, it will never let itself fall in the palms of someone who’s only intention is to be able to say that it was able to break the unbreakable.

Your presence is still lingering.
I’ve tried writing you out of my
head and my heart but all that
seems to do is make your memory
more visible, more alive. You are
still here with me somehow.
I see you everywhere, I see you
in every new face that I try to
replace yours with. There is no
use in forcing myself to forget
about you. No amount of new
lovers and warming words will
ever be able to erase you.

We both created promises
that we couldn’t keep.
So there is no use
in blaming someone other
than ourselves. It was
both of our fault that we
couldn’t stick to what
we had swore to when we
both thought love
was on our side. So there
is no use in trying
to point a finger at anyone
other than the person
who is looking back at us
in the mirror.

I know you still
see me in all of
your favorite
things.

It is only when
I am alone
that I can feel
all of my mistakes
pushing me down,
showing me exactly
where it was
that I went wrong
when it came
to loving you.

I’m falling in love with
the wrong people. Showing
the hidden parts of myself,
the parts that still need
time to heal, to the wrong
kind of people. It’s the kind
of people that don’t hesitate
to rip open your scars,
and to make that almost
faded bruise reappear on
the surface of your skin.
I’ve been falling in love
with the wrong people.
And I don’t have anyone
to blame but my own heart.

And I was a fool
to ever believe
that you could
have changed
just because I
said I love you.

You wanted this, you wanted me.
You wanted a messy woman who keeps
truth on the tip of her tired tongue.
You wanted me, all of me. 
You wanted a palette of skin that is
covered in self-inflected 
and accidental scars.
You wanted this, you wanted me.
You knew what you were
getting yourself into before you
actually looked through me thoroughly.
You wanted this, you wanted me.
But I am not something that comes
with a money back guarantee,
and even if you don’t break me,
there is no return policy attached
to my heart. So this is what you
wanted. You wanted me. And I hope
that what you have finally gotten
was everything that you ever wished to have.

I know you’ll probably never forgive me, but I’m still sorry."
- 3:38 a.m. (unanswered)

"Hey, this is probably really random but I was thinking about you the other day because a song from Phoenix started playing on shuffle on my iPod, and I just wanted to tell you that I miss you."
- 12:15 p.m. (unanswered)

"You’re probably going to delete this before you read this but if you don’t, I just wanted to tell you that I still love you. And honestly, I don’t care if you don’t love me back because I have enough love in my heart for the both of us." (unread)
- 12:32 a.m.

"You can’t keep doing this to me."
- 4:45 p.m. (unanswered)

"Do you love me or not? Because your neglect is telling me that you don’t, but your poetry is telling me you do."
- 10:32 p.m. (unsent)

"I know that you fucked her when I wasn’t willing to see you. I can already imagine what you would do if I decided never to touch you again. I could probably smell you on every girl that passed me on the street."
- 11:13 p.m. (unanswered)

"I hope it felt good when she sucked you off. I hope it felt like love. I hope it felt like forever. I hope she was able to taste the disloyalty and the misguided truth when you finally finished."
- 2:32 a.m. (unread)

"I’ve loved you since the day I met you. And if that’s too much for you then I will understand if you never want to see me again."

You made me believe 
that you had finally forgotten 
about me. That you had
gotten rid of the memories,
the love, and every word
that I carefully placed on
the inside of your heart.
You made me believe
that you had finally erased
me from your mind. My
name is no longer a word
that you have become
familiar with. You made me
believe that you had finally
forgotten about me, until
I tried forgetting about you.

 have stopped thinking about you
as much. And even if I still think about
you everyday, it’s less than thinking
about you every other minute.
I realized that I would be better off
without you in my life and in my head
when I was having coffee with my
father one morning. He asked me twice
how you were doing and all I could
say was that you were doing someone
else. Unsure of what to say, he smiled
and kissed my forehead and handed me
a book about learning how to love
yourself before you try to love others.
He’s tried to tell me before,
and since his words only subsided
in my mind because the thought
of you overtook his rightful advice,
he gave me words with the hope
that someone else can restore
some sense into my head
when it comes to understanding
that I cannot make someone love me.
It’s been four days since that morning,
and I’ve read this guide book
seven times already, and I am still
trying to learn how to stop loving
someone who can only see themselves
when it comes to surviving
in the battlefield of love. I haven’t been
thinking of you as much lately,
and I guess I should stop telling you that,
because it’s only making your memory
stay fresh inside of my mouth.

I let you go because
I wanted to see if you
would come back. 
Because everyone has
told me too many times
that if it’s meant to be
it will be and if you let it
go it will come back
to you if it’s supposed to
be made for you. 
So I let you go, and you
haven’t come back, 
and I don’t know why I am
still waiting on someone
to return who is obviously 
better off without me.

I missed the way that her body

fit so well into my body. Or the way

her hands never stopped exploring

my skin, even when she became

familiar with every piece of land

that my limbs were attached to.

I missed the way she could look

at me and already be able to tell

if there was something at the tip

of my tongue. She has given me

the courage to say it before I can

push it back for no one else but me

to have to deal with. I know that we

both might be better off without each

other’s arms tied around each other’s

bodies but I cannot help myself

when it comes to thinking about her.

She is the only thought that I hope

will never pass in time.

The truth is: I’ve never stopped
loving you. Not even for a second.
Not even during all of those times
when I told you that my life would
have been better if I would have
never met you, never fell in love
with the simplicity of your everything.
I lied to myself and I lied to you
when I wrote out my absence
for you in faded black typewriter
ink. I lied because I knew that I had
to. That if I didn’t cover up my
pain with cruelty, I would be back
at the start; with you seeing me
as only temporary, and with my eyes
confusing coincidence for fate.

You will always be
a part of me,
even though you
are no longer
a part of
my life.

With a cigarette in her hand,
and two shots of tequila later,
she already forgets why
she came here in the first
place. But no amount of alcohol
or mind altering drugs could ever
make her forget why she is doing
this to herself in the first place.
You knew when you had her heart
in the palms of your hands what
you were capable of. You always
knew what could keep her going
and what could ultimately end her.
But you did it anyway. You made
her feel as if she was the only
one that belonged to you, and you
pushed her out of your heart
before she could even shut the door
after her. You damaged her,
and now she is taking it out on herself.
You made her feel special,
and then after you used her into your
own advantage, you tossed her
out on your curb for someone else
to deal with. You broke her,
and you couldn’t care less because
you are not the one who
has to pick up the pieces.

you were socold, so

i’m replacing you
with the warmth
of a melancholy 
skyline.

Maybe if I 
close my eyes 
you’ll disappear.
And maybe, 
just hopefully,
the memories of 
your neglect 
will too. 

I’ll never forget
about the last time
that I looked in your
eyes, because that
was when I knew
that what we had
wanted for so long
was finally over.
I cannot believe
that I ever yearned
for your presence.

I. You know where
to touch me in all of
the right places.

II. You know when
to get me back
before I am gone
for good.

III. You know why
I’m trying to move
on from you.

IV. You know how
to make me wish
that we never met
at all.

You only love me
when you feel as if
there is no one else
to make memories with.
You only need me when
you feel as if you have
lost everyone that has
ever mattered. You only
want me when you feel
as if everything is not
going your way. And you
only miss me when you
feel as if you have lost
me for good.

And you have to be
a goddamn fool to believe
that I would really be happier
without you being here with me.

You are the one I want,
the one I always find
myself thinking of when I
can’t think straight. You
are the one I love, the one
I have been chasing after
even if I am running around
in circles. You are the one
I need, the one who helps
me be the person I want
to be. Without you, there
is no me. Without you,
I see no hope for tomorrow.

I want to say goodbye
to all of this pain, but I
don’t want to let you go.
And I’m not sure which
is worse: feeling empty
because of your love,
or feeling broken because
of your permanent absence.

I knew that we
were not meant to
be together when I
looked forward to
you leaving more
than I looked
forward to being
with you.

I may not have been
everything that you thought
I was going to be when
you were finally in my presence,
in my arms, and inside of
my life. You thought that my
growth was made up of
nothing but poetry
and pressed flowers,
but just because I was not
your dream come true
does not mean that I am not
someone else’s desire.
You can yearn for me as much
as you would like to,
but just because how you wanted
me to turn out was not the way
that I really was does not mean
that I have changed for the worst.
And just because I am not
what you were romanticizing
all along, does not mean that I
am not what someone else
wants with everything inside
of their hopeful heart.

I woke up this morning
at 6 a.m. exactly and reached
out to your side of the bed
to just come up empty
without your limbs falling into
mine, and without your
body there to remind me
that all the pain I went through
yesterday was just another
way to show me that you
would always be there.

I’m imagining being with her, next to her, anything with her. I’m imagining touching her skin, her lips, and pressing my hands into her hands and falling in love with the way they fit so perfectly, like they were meant to be together.
I look at her body, examine her arms and I can see that by the way her skin looks, she has been through experiences that had the power to be a part of her forever. But that doesn’t make her any less beautiful, and that doesn’t make her weak, but strong to be able to look at her own limbs and tell others that she made it through. That even with the pain of always being able to remember, she will never let it make the decision for her.
She is a mystery that I cannot wait to solve. The last chapter in a book that has only opened my eyes to new lessons in life, but never taught me how to let go. She is a fantasy that is too vivid to describe. A dream that you wish you could never wake from. She is a vision that is too good to be true; I am hallucinating, can’t I see that none of this is real? Can’t I see that if I want her too much, she will vanish in the thin air, leaving me with nothing to prove to anyone, and only feeding my insanity to a point where its too full to ever be dismissed.
I’m imagining being with her, next to her, anything with her. I look at her body, examine her arms and I can see that her by the way her skin looks, she has been through experiences that had the power to be a part of her forever. She is a mystery that I cannot wait to solve. And as long as she loves me in-return, I won’t ever have to finish my favorite part.

I don’t miss you because
I am lonely, or because
you have found someone
who is worth your time.

I miss you because
I still love you, and I always will
even when I didn’t show it
when you were finally mine.

I will always love you,
and that’s the worst part
of it all. Because no
matter how many words
of cruelty you push
my way, I will always find
something tender about
the way you hate me
for loving me more than
you really want to.

She held me against her
body, made me feel safe
inside of a home that didn’t
even belong to me. I could get
lost in her eyes. I could 
make a world unknown to
any other just by touching
her skin. She is the strength 
that I never knew I had 
within myself. She is the
reason I am still going.

I didn’t say goodbye
because I didn’t want it
all to stop in that moment.
And you deserve more than
two syllables when it finally
comes to the end.

It’s been months since 
I’ve yearned for the feeling 
of your skin against my skin, 
and it’s been months since I 
have felt the love for you 
that I once did.

My heart always felt
so empty until you
made a home inside
of its hollow walls.

The only time 
you want me 
is when you
no longer 
want yourself.

I tell myself that you’ll
come back someday soon.
That this is only temporary.
I’ve been believing my own
lies lately. I’ve been telling
myself that you really didn’t
mean it when you told me
that loving me at all was a
mistake. I tell myself that you
will realize that you need me
someday. That you’ll take the
next train out to come and
see me, to make things right
between us. I tell myself
these things because I don’t
want to believe that you
have stopped loving me.
I’m believing my own lies
because I am not ready to
come to terms that you
have really moved on.

There is a light
inside of you
that I hope
will never
burn out.

We went from lovers
to enemies in the matter
of months, and if what
you say about me now
is really how you felt 
all along then I never 
will be able to see you
in the same passionate 
daylight that I once
saw you in before.

No matter where you are,
or where you end up, 
I will always be with you.
Whether you travel to
foreign lands with nothing
but an open mind, or
when you come home 
and into arms that do not
belong to me, I will always
be with you. And I hope
you can say the same
about me.

I hope that when you
look back on what we
once had when we were
together and in love,
you will remember me
as the only person who
could give you everything
that you never needed
but always desired.

Stop searching for me
in the faces of strangers.
You will never find me
in the places that we
created unforgettable
memories in. Stop 
lingering in the creases
of my almost recovered
mind. I will not let you
ruin me like this again.

You touched me in all the right places,
and made me feel like I was the one
who held all of the power; with your skin
against my skin. When I am with you,
I can see myself as someone who is
able to be admired in any kind of lighting.
When I am with you, I feel unstoppable.
It’s you and me against the world.
And as long as I have you near me,
I can become anything or anyone
that I’ve ever wanted to be.

I still miss you, you know. Everything about you. All the things I loved, and now, I even miss the things that I hated. I miss the way you used to tell me that I was the first thing to come into your head after waking up, and the last thing you thought about before falling into slumber. I still miss you, you know. I miss the way you used to tell me about the things you didn’t actually want to talk about, but had to get out of your head. I miss the way you used to look at me when I had too much to drink and you had to carry me to the car like I was a child that was too tired to stand up on her own. I still miss you, you know. I miss the way your hands used to explore my body like it was land that you never stepped foot on, but was actually your home. I even miss the sound of your voice when you were too angry with me to form words into proper sentences to make your point clear. I still miss you, you know. The way in which you used to love me even when I didn’t love myself. I miss the feeling of being yours, knowing that I was the only one in your heart, and that I was the only thought that you could never get out of your head. I still miss you, you know. And your prolonged absence from my presence is only making that yearning for your return even stronger.

We were never meant
to go our separate ways.
We were meant to travel
along the same path
with our hands knotted
together and our hearts
beating in sync. We were
never supposed to go
our separate ways. 
And I’m sorry it took 
you leaving for me to
finally understand.

Falling in love with you
was not a mistake.
Making you a part of
my world was not
a mistake. But believing
that you loved me too
was the greatest
mistake of all.

I will love you
through everything.
Even if that means
ending up with
absolutely nothing.

I will always be yours,
even when someone 
else takes my place
in your heart.

There is nothing
that I would 
rather do than to 
spend the rest 
of my life 
falling into love
with you.

I look for you in everyone.
Every person who slightly
resembles you, I try to
make them a part of my life;
in hopes that they will
fill the void that you left
when you decided that I
would never be enough 
for you. And I don’t know
why I do this to myself.
Setting myself up for more
heartache by loving those
who will never come close
to the feeling I felt when I
was yours.

You were miserable
in my presence, and now
even more miserable
because of my absence.
I just wanted to become
your everything, and now
that you are left with
nothing, you want to make
me your something.

I want her, all of her.
I want her 3 a.m. text
messages when she is
too drunk to keep it 
all in anymore. I want her
waking up in the morning
when her dreams
have still not faded from
her eyes. I want her
touch that is saying
stay with me please, this
is all I’ve ever wanted.
I want her, all of her.
And she is everything
that I will ever need.

You only want me
when you can’t have me.
And you only love me
when I am in the midst
of finally moving on.

And if you still love her,
let her know. Because 
there is nothing worse
than knowing you could
have gotten her back,
but lacked the courage
to grasp her when
she was in your reach.

Stop telling everyone that I was the one who pushed you away. You were the one who’s heart was colder than the temperature outside during the most bitter winter.
I will always love you. Even when I don’t want you.
I’ve accepted the fact that you’ve moved on. That you’re able to pick up any piece of meat that looks your way in a beat down bar. But I have not and will never believe you when you say that you never loved me. That’s a thought that is too obscure to ever be considered as the truth.
I still love you. I’m still waiting.


When I saw you
for the first time
it was like seeing
my hopes, my wants,
my needs and my
desires all at once.
You are everything
that I have ever
wished for.



So badly I want to tell you
that I miss you, and that I
haven’t stopped missing 
you since you left my arms
for good. But when I try
to get the words out of my
mouth, all that comes out
is silence. I mean, what’s 
the use in telling you something
that won’t change anything.
Because I know you already
have someone who tells
you that they miss you
even when you are just
in the other room, or on
the other side of their bed.


I am not surprised that this is how things 
between us turned out. That you were the one
who left even before fulfilling all of the
promises you made to me when you were
full of hope for what our future seemed like,
and how it could be. I should have always 
been expecting this. I shouldn’t have been 
shocked by your sudden absence, or your lack 
of consideration to even give me a proper goodbye.
And I deserved a sincere explanation on 
how exactly you were able to leave without 
a hint of remorse. So now I am left alone
with all of these memories on how it could
have been if you would have just stayed,
and how your love for me was not strong enough
to fight against those trying times
that you always said that we could get through
if we never surrendered to what it was 
that was trying so hard to pull us apart.






I want you so much
that everyone that came
before you were only
a way of wasting moments
and learning that love
would be worth it
once you finally found
the one who can
stop time.

And I hope that when
you fall into love,
it will be the right kind
the next time around.



And even when you
push me away, I will 
still fight for your love.
Because I would
rather be exhausted
from the endless
struggle of winning 
over your affections, 
than having to say 
that I never took on
a battle at all.

I am still here.
Even when you are
blinded by your
own attempt at
forgetting about
love completely.

I want you to remember me
as the woman who never stopped
loving you just because you left.
I want you to remember me
as the woman who stood 
by your side even when you
couldn’t find the courage
to stand by mine. I want you to
remember me as the woman 
who never stopped holding
onto hope, even when hope
let go of me long ago.
But most of all, I want you to
remember me as the woman
who loved you through everything,
even during the times
when you saw me as nothing.


So this is my apology, 
and this is for all of the time 
that we wasted writing a story
that was never going to end
in the way that everyone 
wanted it to.

I’m not sure if it’s
your absence that has
driven me to almost
insanity, but lately
I’ve been seeing you
everywhere. And I
don’t know if it’s
my mind that is
making you up,
or my heart
that is still holding 
on to the idea
that you’re still here.


And I will continue to
forgive you, as long
as you promise to
never forget about me.

Your love has
given me more
than any amount
of hope ever could.

I know that I was the one
who pushed you away. 
That I was the one who
made you feel that starting
over was something 
too difficult to want to do.
And I’m sorry for that.
I’m sorry for not being
brave enough to love you
with everything I have.
But you have to understand
that me letting you go
was the best for the both
of us. Because one day
I knew that you would
resent me for the lack
of love I never showed you.
And I would rather have 
you fall in love with 
someone who is not me
than to have you go
through life with my name
tainting the roof of your 
unforgivable tongue.

I’ve met someone new
and I don’t think that they will
ever be able to hold my heart
in the way that you were able to
carry it. I can see it in their 
eyes, the constant struggle
of knowing that they will never
compare to what came before
their affections. And I have
no one to blame but myself.
Because even after all of
the neglect, and the worthless
distance that you pushed 
between us, I will somehow 
always love you. Even if I’m 
not supposed to.












And when I fall into love
I want to make sure
that it’s the kind that I
will never have to
crawl out of.

















 

He called you beautiful, didn’t he? Told you
that there would never be a girl like you who could
have this effect on him. And you believed him, didn’t you?
Looked past the truth because in the end, we all just want to be
someone’s everything. When he took you out, he tied you
around his arm. He made you feel as if he was saying,
”Look. Look at this girl, this woman, this everything
I have ever wanted and received.” It made you feel special,
made you feel above everyone who didn’t belong to him.
You can say that you did, that’s okay that was the point.
That was his intension all along. But tell me, when those months
passed and you could feel his once tight grip around your love
loosening, did you still feel above the rest? Or did you blame
it all on the time changing and not on the certainty of it all?
That this is what he does. Builds a home inside of someone
whose only hope is focused on forever while his is only focused
on how much he can consume before he gets too full and cannot
finish what he started. When was it that you started noticing his
inevitable distance? When he hardly replied to your texts?
When he promised to call you back but got side-tracked
instead? Or was it when he started treating you
like a chore and not what you really are, which is a priority.
When he stopped taking you out as often as he did before,
pushed you out of the center of his universe, did you create
an excuse for your heart because you were not yet ready
to let it down from the reality of it all? The fact is that what
once made you feel so secure is now going to be
the most dangerous thing for you. But right now is the time
to accept the harsh truth, and now is the time to show your heart
that not everyone is sincere as they seem. So do for your heart
what he never could and give it closure. Give it freedom.
Give it everything it deserves, and everything that he could
never keep up with. Show your heart that there is still love
beyond this world that you built with him. That there is still
something worth fighting for, even if that means
that it is no longer going to be fighting for him.

"Stop fighting for the wrong kind of love,

You didn’t love me.
You loved the thought
that there was someone
out there who has also
experienced the kind of
hurt that you have.

But no, you didn’t love
me. Because if you did,
you would have never
put me through the pain
that you once claimed
ruined you forever.