this world is alive more than any of us.

From the first time we were drunk and looking at the stars
I knew these were not the arms
I would die in.
And when you tell me that you love me
I am praying it’s a lie.  

We will never say it.
“I love you”, I don’t think
until I am on my deathbed,
and maybe not even then.
That’s how it is with us. We trust
that one another will be there.
 I’ve never been scared
with you by my side.  
You don’t know it, but sometimes
you are the only thing I still believe in.
I’m sorry I have been so sad.
I didn’t think that you could think
it was your fault. 

I wish goodbyes were quieter.
I keep carrying the ashes
of every burnt-out love
and soon enough I’ll sink into the ground
with the weight of everything that could have been.
My problem is I always put my dreams in other people
and when those dreams come true I know
this place is not for me.
And I am always wanting to be saved but when someone tries
it always feels wrong I know
I have to be the one to do the saving.

so there are a lot of secrets
i will never tell you
none of which i decided on myself
i want to talk about love
i want to talk about the truth
but i don’t think you are listening

We are friends, but we don’t speak
like friends do. I think we are
playing the parts in one another’s lives
we haven’t quite found the people for yet
and you and I both have known from the beginning
this is a story we will never get to tell.

I don’t know why I keep writing
about someone who doesn’t exist anymore
maybe never did.

You have always been beautiful, but that was the first time, I think,
that I was sure I knew you.
And I knew you knew me, too,
like no one else does.

It has taken me eighteen months to realise
who I am without you.
Now these thoughts are my only vice.
A part of my mind believes we are the wrong people; another,
that it was just the wrong time. I don’t know. I don’t
want anything, only I’ve been wondering
do you ever find me on your mind at 4am?

I told you
to remember this would end. You said
“maybe it won’t”. Sometimes hope is a killer.

I’ve been looking for some kind of ‘truth’ in all of this

I never understood it until I fell for someone who would never love me back,
and it was more painful than anything.
so painful I forgot about wanting to die
and for the first time, I didn’t need to see inside my veins to know I was alive.

I don’t need you to come back. That would, perhaps, make everything far more difficult. I just need to know that, in some small way, I am still with you. I loved you, I love you, I will always do. This love is the strongest one I have ever felt. 

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