“Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish.”
“Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it.”
“There were a lot of words that we said, a lot of words that I would take back and would hoped for another ending of all of this. I just want you to know, even in this dark hour, knowing you and meeting you was the best part of my year, even better than publishing my book in Paris. I did a lot of wrong, maybe, I don’t know, but I will never regret it, I will never regret meeting you and knowing who you are behind that mask you wear outside. There are songs, movies, moments, lyrics and books that we used for references, but nothing compares to life itself. I wish I would had been just a bit different and we would had been ok.”
The thing is, nothing will teach you how to deal with the pain of rejection, to move on or to let go. Buddhism won’t, advice from books, friends and therapists won’t, going on shopping sprees, watching Brene Brown, TEDX or running around the globe in Eat Pray Love holidays won’t. It will hit you in a dull moment, probably when you’re having coffee in a fresh morning and you’re still very sleepy after last night’s party (yes, I still party, my 30s are here and I have only one life to live), when you’re doing dishes or when you’re talking to your ex lover and suddenly, the idealist painting you framed of him starts to fade out in front of what you have now.
What I have now? Well, I have a cliché. People like to say love happens when you least expect it. That’s a cliché, and clichés keep on existing because they are truth. After one year of running around from one country to another, the consuming thought I loved a person who did not even take the interest to meet me for a goodbye drink before I left for good – was still with me. Giving me headaches. Making me wonder if I’ll ever be free again. My life has been a row of breakups, affairs with emotionally unaffordable men (I like to compare them to expensive footwear) and addictions for bad boys.
I lived my life and relationships trying to learn and integrate and simulate in my own household what I saw in others. This never made me happy. But instead, after all these years, I understood we can only be happy when we are in harmony with ourselves. I haven’t managed to be at peace or at pace with all my shortcomings and endeavours, but I realized something much more important at the beginning of this year:
I don’t particularly like making New Year’s Resolutions – or any type of resolutions – because I’m much more of a fan of counting things I already achieved. And I think it’s a healthy habit. Projections can be tricky. Sure, we can make lists of our hopes, goals and dreams, but it’s good not to beat yourself up if you didn’t achieve everything on that list.
Maybe you also feel like you haven’t achieved anything, that paying taxes from your father’s couch is overwhelming, that you don’t know how to take care of your own children – or worse, that you don’t know if you want children, you don’t have whom to have children with, or you don’t have much time or chances to have children. Maybe you’re worried you are fat, unattractive, different from what people, magazines and internet says you should BE. Maybe, like me, you have a lot of white hair and think that’s a horror show. On top of all, you are probably terrified that one day your parents are going to die. Yes, that sounds harsh and unfair, but it’s also a fact, and you can’t get away with it – but I’m gonna get into the whole subject in a separate article.
Before coming back.
Always remember this: you CAN be whomever you want to be, you CAN be loved and love, you CAN be the maker of valuable things, you CAN touch others in meaningful ways. You just have to keep on loving and keep on fighting in the direction of your hopes and passions.
Now here’s what I didn’t want to admit to but eventually did, you have the right to leave. Everyone does I guess. The most important thing to me was that you were happy, and if you weren’t happy in my presence, then I’m hope you are now. I believe in people doing what makes them happy. Our time together, however short, I will always look back on with a smile on my face because at that time in my life you truly did make me glow. The things you have taught me, the memories, the inside jokes, I’ll never forget you.
Here’s what I’ve learnt: people will leave and you’ll survive. I survived days when I didn’t want to even be alive. You’re going to hate this, but people you love the most are going to cause you the most hurt, it’s a known fact. Forgive them when they do, even if you don’t get to see them or talk to them anymore, do it for you. You also shouldn’t wait on people to come back to claim you. They should’ve never left in the first place.
Forgive him for loving you.
What is heartbreak? I have never actually been able to comprehend how one individual could shatter the world of another’s. After all, happiness should come from within us, and should not be places in the hands of anyone else. These used to be my thoughts, until he came along. Now I sit alone, staring out of a window into a world of nothingness. With a heart so crumbled, that I think I’ve finally learnt what this affliction really is.
Our story was not a cliché, it was raw. They say that teenage love is not meant to last, but I really thought that our short-lived love affair would survive eternities. Nevertheless, that summer did feel like forever. Every waking moment was spent by his side, staring into his eyes – which resembled the ocean, and hearing his laugh which reminded me of innocence. He was beautiful, and so was his soul.
Memories such as those we made in the summer. I still have sand in my sweaters from most of those nights. We were young and careless, with little money but a lot of love. That summer was spent in a rented apartment on the beach of a different city, with those I considered my favorite souls. He smoked as much as I breathed, and I guess that’s where we went wrong. His love for me, if there ever was any, was overpowered by the bottle and last promised cigarette.
Then maybe, just maybe, my broken pieces will mend, and soon I’ll be whole again.
People put so much effort into starting a relationship and so little effort into ending one,
date a girl who drinks too much tea
date a girl who makes it harder to go to sleep but easier to get up every morning
date a girl who will write you poems in french
date a girl who will stay up until 4 in the morning with you watching videos about space and other universes until you’re both questioning your existence
date a girl who holds the moon in her eyes and has sun in her cheeks
date a girl who goes with you to walmart to buy avocados at 1am
date a girl who loves every single dog ever
“I yearn for genuine connections and honest energy. That’s what I need. That’s all I really need.”
“Your heart is not broken. Hearts don’t break. What you are feeling is growing pains. Your heart is expanding in wisdom, compassion, and strength, so one day, you can love even more.”
“Waiting, watching, suspense, mourning – will there never be anything else in life. I am so weary of it all – but I bow my head before the storm now, I don’t try to fight it any more. I no longer expect things to go well for me; I don’t know that I even ask that they shall. All I ask is that I may fulfil my own small weary part in this War in such a way as to be worthy of Them, who die and suffer pain.”
“Home is not where you were born; home is where all your attempts to escape cease.”
“My fear of being real, of being seen, paralyzes me into silence. I crave the touch and the connection, but I’m not always brave enough to open my hand and reach out. This is the great challenge: to be seen, accepted, and loved, I must first reveal, offer, and surrender.”
I’m so sick of reducing lovers to lessons.
How to let go. How to stay. How to ask for what the heart wants.
“I want to share my story, and I want to know yours. I believe with all my heart that sharing our stories, the real, ugly, broken ones, is one of the most powerful things in the world, because to share our story we must first accept it. We must own it. We must stop running from it or shoving it into the corner when company comes over. To share our story is to admit that we’ve been changed.”
“When I was young, I used to admire intelligent people; as I grow older, I admire kind people.”
there are people you haven’t met yet who will love you
“Loving kindness is a form of love that truly is an ability, and, as research scientists have show, it can be learned. It is the ability to take some risks with our awareness-to look at ourselves and others with kindness instead of reflexive criticism; to include in our concern those to whom we normally pay no attention; to care for ourselves unconditionally instead of thinking, “I will love myself as long as I never make a mistake.” It is the ability to gather our attention and really listen to others, even those we’ve written off as not worth our time. It is the ability to see the humanity in people we don’t know and the pain in people we find difficult.”