'-waking up to a late sun, draped in heavy blankets that hug the body to ecstasy. // "It’s not that I’m beautiful; it’s just that I have the ability to break some boys' hearts

just as so many photos of me
are taken at a moment
im not there

the recordings of my voice
are moss green.

they gather dust that falls from a chandelier that was never hung.

the chandelier swings without being touched.

i visit this room with my white gloves.

so, until we meet again,
when abruptly we’re famously faced to fate,
i shall leave you with one last gentle man’s friendly, extended handshake.

bear in heart,
You have might, trust and faith

Just please, for goodness sake,

try to keep in touch

no

don’t go

please wait.

we are in a crowd of rioters,
hiding our faces from the cameras.

why are we here i ask.

we are here to turn
the brightlights on in the
red fog.

we are here to lust after
the outline of the open mouth
suctioned to a black plastic bag.

we are not here.

youre alone in the lobby of a hotel with your earbuds in
she says.

to be safe, i stand at the edge of the curb.
i reach my arms out for the green glass tree.
the leaves are memories that were never made.
the shadows are tinted lime.
im not calm. it feels as if i never was.
there is fire storm in my stomach.
the sky is moving further away.
the thoughts crossing my mind
are slugs trailing on concrete.

the world will get you numb if you let it, you tell me.

Somewhere I lost the melody I use to hum when I found myself alone.
Somewhere I lost that song.

Somewhere I lost the words that stitched your wounds
Somewhere you found him stronger
Somewhere you slipped through my fingers,
or
I never held you tight enough.

Then somewhere,
I wonder,
if it was just because I wasn’t there.

Voiceless collapse.

nothing remains for me
to share. i’ve said goodbye
to the girl out there.

“why?” you ask.

sometimes, i wonder
too.

The silence depressed me. It wasn’t the silence of silence. It was my own silence.

The future is what matters- because one never reaches it- but always stays in the present…

"Perhaps some day I’ll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorrow."

"we talked, and I said what I thought. He did not understand. But he listened…"

How we need another soul to cling to, another body to keep us warm. To rest and trust; to give your soul in confidence: I need this, I need someone to pour myself into. Maybe I need a man. One sure thing, I haven’t met him yet."

Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren’t having any of those."

"When you feel that this may be the good-bye, the last time, it hits you harder."

"Now I’ll never see him again, and maybe it’s a good thing. He walked out of my life last night for once and for all. I know with sickening certainty that’s the end. Yet I liked him too much… way too much, and I ripped him out of my heart so it wouldn’t get to hurt me more than it did. Oh, he’s magnetic, he’s charming; you could fall into his eyes. I wanted to know him… the thoughts, the ideas behind the handsome, confident, wise-cracking mask.
“Can’t you see,“ he said, "I want to kiss you.”
So he kissed me.
"I wish I hated you,” I said, “Why did you come?”
“Why? I wanted your company. I like you, but not too much. I don’t want to like anybody too much.”
“I like people too much or not at all. I’ve got to go down deep, to fall into people, to really know them.”
He was definite, “Nobody knows me.”
So that was it; the end.
“Goodbye, for good, then,” I say.
He looked hard at me, a smile twisting his mouth, “You lucky kid; you don’t know how lucky you are.”
I was crying quietly, “Stop it!” The words came out like knife thrusts.
And he walked off down the path with his independent stride. And I stood there where he left me, tremulous with love and longing, weeping in the dark.
That night it was hard to get to sleep."

- Sylvia Plath; The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath 

 Oh, something is there, waiting for me. Perhaps someday the revelation will burst in upon me and I will see the other side of this monumental grotesque joke. And then I’ll laugh. And then I’ll know what life is."

"Tenderness does not require passion to make it real."

"I am so hungry for a big smashing creative burgeoning burdened love."

I’d won the world
but like a
forsaken explorer,
I’d lost
my map."

"Where do our dreams go when we’re not sleeping?" (

Anna Kamienska - from Industrious Amazement )

"The mind I love most must have wild places…"

"Your dream
moves
summers
inside 
my mind"

Your silence has been with me and I have let it have its say.

Lubię zatracać się w tym, co mi niepisane.

"But not all dark places need light, I have to remember that."

"Every word is a messenger. Some have wings; some are filled with fire

"…if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more."

“I met you and unavoidably you were special. So now I love you.”

"If the intellect has killed writing, then let the other kind of writing, emotional, kill the intellect."

▼

- Anaïs Nin, from The Diary Of Anais Nin

"I think I had trouble looking into your eyes because you seem to have grown far away. You seem to have lost the innocence I’ve always associated you with."

"your life is your life.
know it while you have it."

▼

- Charles Bukowski, from The Laughing Heart

So many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if only you were interested in them.

Would I live my life over again?
Make the same unforgivable mistakes?
Yes, given half a chance. Yes.

i think i met all the
wrong men before
you and i think they
ruined me but i
think you’re really
handsome the way
a map is handsome,
with skin wide open
soaked in the whole
world’s ink.

“Do me a favor this morning. Draw the curtain and come back to bed. / Forget the coffee. We’ll pretend / we’re in a foreign country, and in love.

"Neither man or god have created a way to describe the pleasure you inflict upon me."

"If their happiness comes at the cost of your own, then it isn’t love. It’s tragedy.

"No one told me that loving you would be the best thing I’d ever do."


here’s to wishing I loved you longer, "The way she said my name made me realize why it sounded so wrong leaving everyone else’s lips"
This is how much I believe in love. This is me refusing to give up on you.

LA BEAUTÉ SERA CONVULSIVE OU NE SERA PAS "I fear you,
as one in the desert fears the sun."
The heart is the toughest part of the body. 
Tenderness is in the hands.

"I’m trying to forget you but I’m also waiting for you to come back."

She’s my cup of tea but she carries the scent of coffee, she’s confusing in the most delicate and dangerous of ways.

It’s often said that love is blind, but that’s not really true. William Shakespeare had it right when he wrote, “love adds a precious seeing to the eye.” Love is the only thing that lets us see all the possibilities of life and each other with crystal clarity. With it, we can look beyond our loved one’s apparent limitations and see the gifts and possibilities that no one else had searched quite long enough to find. Rather than seeking imperfections and shortcomings, love keeps watch for signs of light and strength. It sees how far your loved one has come, not how far he or she still has to go."

Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering."

Before you kiss someone for the first time, just wait.
Take a second to look at them. They are so new, so unfamiliar. Right now you don’t know how they taste, how their hands will press against your skin, how they’ll breathe. You won’t see them like this again.
Look at them wanting - the apprehension in their eyes. They don’t know either. In their mind you are uncharted territory.
Isn’t that special?
Keep it. That’s how you’ll never lose them. Every so often afterwards look at them through these eyes. Don’t lose that wonder. Don’t lose the spark.

when someone leaves
do not let them
take all the love away.
hold on
to what is yours:
you will need it again.

It was like walking into the sun, being with you, it was like walking into the sun for the first time after a terribly long winter."

You are on your way to another life. You won’t have time to miss me."

"Dreams won’t come looking for you. That’s why you have to chase them. Pursue them, until they become reality then hold on tightly."

"I always said you’re worth it but I forgot, I’m worth it too"

You said we were too smart to be completely happy, but with you, I was."

I am happy to have held your hand on that day, when you were that exact person."

After all, those who truly love, never stop loving.

"Words are like that. They deceive, they pile up, it seems they do not know where to go, and, suddenly, because of two or three or four that suddenly come out, simple in themselves, a personal pronoun, an adverb, an adjective, we have the excitement of seeing them coming irresistibly to the surface through the skin and the eyes and upsetting the composure of our feelings."

I get scared
and I get mean
but you never
mean any less
to me."

What I mean is, I’m tired
of everything gorgeous. Of the burden
of burning. Of wondering
when. What I mean is, on some nights I miss you so much
that I never want to see you again."

'

I have always wondered what i will write here. I have always wondered how i would feel now. Something about this all seems like a dream, the journey itself started a long time ago but this journey was exactly a year ago. Writing has always been a part of my life. Always. I thought that i would write a book  and then write some books and that will be it. When i began to get messages on here, i realized the impact of my words.  I wanted my pain to mean something, i wanted my words to show and tell that there is life after it all, all the stories i have been given needed to be curated, to show and tell that your pain, love and loss is not foreign in this world. I know i wrote August Eleven but here it is and i wanted you guys to be the first to know this. This is where it all began. Thank you for your kind words and your patience. 

It hasn’t been easy, has it? The ways you keep falling down. The days you thought that this would be the end. It hasn’t been easy, has it? The ways you called out hateful words to the one soul, one spirit and one being that is you. It just got harder for you to keep faith when the lovers left, when the friends ripped your heart apart. You thought, “surely, i cannot go on” and you felt yourself drowning. It has been hell. Heaven knows how many times you felt failure knocking you down, calling you all sorts of names. Heaven knows how many times you have been kept alive by your one single dream you had as a child. But, i know, it hasn’t been easy. You imperfect miracle. You wild flower. You strange absolutely gorgeous creature. It hasn’t been easy has it? You, wild flowered child. Plant you anywhere, you still bloom. Throw you into the ocean, you learn to swim against the tide."

Why do people have confidence in their little conscious world, and such fear of the much deeper and larger one below consciousness?"

Baby, I have no idea how this will end.
Maybe the equator will fall like a hula hoop from the Earth’s hips
And our mouths will freeze mid-kiss on our 80th anniversary.
Or maybe tomorrow my absolute insanity
Combined with the absolute obstacle course of your communication skills
Will leave us like a love letter
In a landfill.
But whatever
However
Whenever this ends I want you to know
That right now
I love you forever.

That’s when I understand that I have been stained. Whether I’m still in love with him, whether he was ever in love with me, and no matter who he’s in love with now, he changed my life. He showed me how to get lost, and then I showed myself how to get found."

"I follow you into your dreams
your past, the places
none of us can explain to anyone."

One day we got tired, tired of chasing, of caring, of worrying… Not because we didn’t want more, but because the person didn’t value our efforts."

And when I think of what it was like
being in love with you, I still touch myself
as if I’m covered in all of this blood
and I can’t find a wound."

 ‘What should I
look for in
a man?’

‘The woman in him.
Search for her. ”

“ my soul is a vine 
of moonflowers.
 i am night.
you are the moon, 
 blossoming. ”

We lose layers of 
ourselves in others.
This is how we shed.

“ Words were created to hold silences that are too heavy to carry. ”

 Perhaps one day
we will meet again
as characters in
a different story. 

Maybe we’ll share
a lifetime then. ”

As of late my dreams have been wild
crazy things. Too much red. Too little you.
I used to write your name on every
surface I could find. The desk by the
front door. The squeaky step at the
bottom of the stairs. But now I just
write the one word that comes to
mind. Almost. Almost. Almost.

"You were the one I didn’t know where to stop."

I’ve fallen back into bad habits, grown detached and distant, and I can’t recall when I last felt the sun on my skin. But that’s what happens when the wind in your sails is somebody you love. After they leave, you stop moving."

so, here you are
too foreign for home
too foreign for here.
never enough for both."

It is in your best interest never to stay where you are not needed. Do not allow yourself be tolerated. If they want to leave, i urge you to let them leave. You will bloom. We are so used to people, we do not realize how staying with them might limit our growth. Don’t beg anyone. Don’t stay where you are tolerated. Be prepared to bloom. Be prepared to unlearn yourself, learn yourself, find your own version of truths and detach yourself. Do not stay where you are tolerated.

Sometimes, i wonder if people knew what other people battle through in their daily lives, i wonder if they would be a bit softer, a bit kinder.

I wonder how different the world would be if everyone had someone that talked the way we do."

"I get a little sick with how PROUD people are with the mind, how they want to ram it through you like a sword, how they want to talk talk talk. Don’t they know that there is simply something nice about sitting in a room and drinking wine and not saying much, feeling the world out there, and sitting there, sitting there, resting?"

"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write quite the way you want to."

- Sylvia Plath; The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath 

"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write quite the way you want to."

- Sylvia Plath; The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath 

Remember: 5 months is not eternity. 2 months is not eternity. Even if it looks that way now.

What did my arms do before they held you?

August rain: the best of the summer gone, and the new fall not yet born. The odd uneven time.

How can you be so many women to so many people, oh you strange girl?

What have I eaten? Lies and smiles.

I am so busy keeping my head above water that I scarcely know who I am, much less who anyone else is

Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it.