Another woman’s beauty is not the absence of your own

"Nie tylko krew wypełnia moje serce. 
Jest tam jeszcze 
czyjeś imię, 
i nadzieja"

Szkoda, że Cię tu nie ma.
(…) Powiedz, co u Ciebie
słychać, co można widzieć,
gdy się jest Tobą.
Szkoda, że Cię tu nie ma.
(…) Mów, jak Tobie mija
czas - i czy czas coś znaczy,
gdy się jest Tobą.
Szkoda, że Cię tu nie ma.
(…) Mów, jak Ty się czujesz
z moim bólem - jak boli
Ciebie Twój człowiek.

"a więc milczymy
myśląc o sobie z daleka" 

you filled with me thorns, and called them roses.

 Sometimes when it’s 3am 
I find myself missing you
And I have to remember 
that you don’t miss me
any more. 

 Our song was on the radio today
and boy it killed me
And I tried to pretend I didn’t
hear it
But I couldn’t help but remember
all of our memories 

 It’s 2.15am in the morning
And I am filled with the 
awful realisation that,
I may never feel the touch
of love again.
Because all of the love I
gave was stolen,
and I,
cannot stop the swelling
of my heart,

Loving you means 3am phone calls,
and knowing you only
call when she,
is sleeping.
Loving you means long distance
and knowing I’m only
the ‘distraction.’
Loving you means waiting for you,
and knowing you
measure time differently to me.
Loving you means coming second,
and knowing you’ll never
choose me first,
even though
I pick you always,
Loving you leaves me empty 

 You taught me how to sin. With your devils charm, and cool exterior. I wanted to know if the high would be worth the pain. We took this way too far. You kept kissing my cherry lips and bumping my hips, and I lost myself inside of you, I loved being your secret. You were always my greatest mistake. 
I was your secret for six months, and it still hurts - 

I guess you never know
what you have until
it’s gone.
The trouble is,
you knew what you
you never cared
enough to
make me

 I want all of the secrets I gave you back.
I want all of the nights I said Yes, when I should
have said No.
I want all of our 3am calls, so I can bury them in
the ground.
I want all of the ‘i love you’s’ and the ‘i miss you’s
just so I can throw them in your face.
I want back all of the time I waited for you
All of the times you lied, and all of the hours I spent crying over you. I want myself back. That’s the least I deserve. 

 I’m not going to lie, losing? Yeah it hurt. It was never a game for me, I always picked you. I guess she had something I never did. You and I both know that she’s better for you. I denied it to myself for so long. It wasn’t until I saw you and her that it began to make sense. I don’t know what this is, maybe it’s goodbye. 

“You didn’t love me, 
you never loved me. 
Because you don’t hurt the ones you love. 
All you’ve ever really done was cause me pain. 
You only came to me when you didn’t have anyone else, 
when you were ‘lonely.’ 
And stupidly I let you back in, because I hoped that this time would be the last. 
You always came first in my life, always. 
There wasn’t a person who came before you.
I chose you, 
every time, every god damn time. 
And you, 
you never even chose me once.”

( All you’ve ever really done was cause me pain )

We sat there smoking cigarettes
late one August evening. You said
that we were going to die young,
all the best people do. I laughed,
and said ‘We’re gonna live forever,
just you and I.’
It was September when you called
me, at 4am. You slurred ‘I love you’
down the end of the phone. And I
giggled and rolled my eyes, this was
the second time this week. I said
‘Sleep well.’ And hung up.
The skies were grey and I was
walking home. The cold found
me quickly this time around. You
sent me a message saying ‘you
were on the move, this time is
gonna be different. You’ll see.
I’ll see you soon.’
I never saw you again,
It’s been two years,
Where are you now?
Octobers are my least favorite
Slurred speeches, missed moments - 

 I have missed the way
your eyes always find the parts
of me I have kept hidden. 
I wish you would find me- 

 I thought about kissing you today, and it hurt. I missed the way your lips felt on mine. I miss how you used to crush yourself against me, like you couldn’t get enough. It always felt like you were breathing me in, I was your own personal addiction. 

I used to wonder if you thought
of her, all of those times that you
were with me.
Did you kiss her lips, when yours
pressed down on mine? Or perhaps
you could smell her skin
when you caressed me.
Was it my eyes you saw or did
you see hers?
Isn’t it awful? Loving someone
who is never truly there.
you saw her when you were with me - 

 Loving you means coming second,
and knowing you’ll never
choose me first,
even though
I pick you always,

 I went to message you today,
because I fucking miss you.
But then
I remembered,
that you are not mine to miss
And I’m not sure
how to deal
with that. 
Will you ever come back?- 

 You might not care at the moment, but one midnight twenty years from now. You’ll see my face in the reflection of the window pane. The look in my eyes will haunt you. And while your wife lays there sleeping in your bed, you’ll remember me tangled up with you all night in the sheets 
You’ll remember, because I will never forget-

 You’re still all over me like a liquor stained dress, I no longer wear anymore. You’re a rose garden, full of thorns. And here I am drunk on the jealousy I feel when you look at her, 

 What if seeing each other again, changed everything? Maybe this time around we’d be better suited for one another. I can’t help but imagine running into you on the subway. We’d laugh because you caught the wrong train. We’d exchange numbers and I would smile at you as I get off at my stop. A part of me hopes that maybe you’ll call. I shrug off the thought, whatever happens, happens. I’m different now, stronger. When I get home I’ll check my messages and call back Greg, he’s the guy I’ll be dating. I’ll sit down and eat reheated left-overs, daydreaming. And while my eyes are dreaming lazily, the phone will ring, and it’ll be you. Telling me that, that was the last time you wished to be without me. 
I found this in my journal-

 I wear you on my lips, deep red stains I leave on the necks of unforgiving boys. I eat them alive, that’s what you taught me. I am a hurricane. A force to be reckoned with. I let them chase me, I know they’ve heard all about me. I taste like honey, and they taste like regret. I’m still not sure if this is pain or torture? 

 You called me once at 4.05am on an April morning. You were high on something. As always there was an awkward silence between us. We could only focus on our breathing. My heart was stumbling all over the place, I swear, you must have known. You started filling the void with your promises. Ah, those all too familiar words I have known for far too long. That is where I learned something from you, you only want love if it is torture. If it hurts you. If it doesn’t, you don’t want it. And for someone like me, I cannot for a second handle that. 
you left me covered in scars, wondering why the fuck I let you do that to me? - 

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