You hold an absence
at your center,
as if it were a life.

"I know not the when
or the why of all of this,
I just know it’s you."

"I can’t breathe with these words in my mouth."

i existed, but never with you.

I would burn down every
door to find you again. I would
tear through every layer of
hell, screaming with my mouth
full of light

i’m not famous i just have internet access

The places we lost are the places we found

It’s so interesting thinking about who you find attractive and who you are attracted to. how you can appreciate the aesthetics of a human being and find them beautiful under certain lights and how you are intimidated at first at their stark and raw symmetry and their colors and their curves and feel intimidated by them. and then you get to know them and their soft parts and suddenly everything else falls away. you get to know what’s beneath the skin and what they are made out of and suddenly you stop seeing what they look like altogether and just think of them in colors and in words and in smaller and smaller bits. you start to love them for the way they hold themselves in their own pockets. you start to love them for the way you can tell they’ll have laugh lines when they’re older. their two crooked front teeth. the way someone looks when they forget they’re a body for a second, when they’re blissfully happy, when they love you.

i don’t know whether to feel relieved or sad about the fact that my memories of you have been fading; that my love for you has been slowly slipping through my fingers.

That’s the trouble with loving a wild thing: You’re always left watching the door.

I could tolerate uncertainty with ease if I only knew for certain we’d be together when the uncertainty was over.

I don’t miss you terribly. I hardly know you’re gone. I don’t lie awake in the long dark night, listening for your breathing

I notice you, I want to say. Even when no one else does, I do. I will.

i wanted my life to change
but  i still feel empty at night
and my friends still don’t feel like real friends
and you still don’t love me
and then 
I realised the only thing I could change
was myself

wow keep acting like you’re not in love with me 
see what happens , i dare you

the hardest part isn’t the reality
that we aren’t together
it’s having to convince myself
with every new morning
that i don’t care,
that you don’t care.

i’m running out of ways
to admit
that i hate myself
for still loving you.

i wish we spoke more
so i could tell you everything

maybe i was asking too much
imagining a future, or reality
where you thought of me
as much as i think of you
because at this point
i would die for the reassurance
that you’re thinking of me at al

i wanted to tell you
but couldn’t.

i just want to sleep
and pretend that
today never happened
because it hardly didi just want to sleep
and pretend that
today never happened
because it hardly did

i knew you’d become my yesterdays
from the way you said “i’ll always stay”.

Whenever I speak with you, I end up dying more, a little more.

I have so much I want to tell you, and nowhere to begin.

sometimes i want to call you and ask if you remember different memories but they aren’t even big memories, just days we existed together, and i think you’d say no

It took a long time for me to stop wanting to call you everytime something good or bad happened. 
I still want to, I just have better self control and I know you don’t care.

But as I continue living like this, I wonder what the point of living is.

I hate being so emotionally slutty. I need to stop loving everyone I have a long conversation with.

Looking back, I am surprised at how few scars I have. How I actually fucking survived myself.

You might enjoy that which destroys you until you are destroyed.

Sad thing is, you can still love someone and be wrong for them.

your love
is as fake
as a temporary
easy to remove,
but sometimes,
so utterly

If you get hungry enough, they say, you start eating your own heart.

’m not sorry
that i met you.
i’m not sorry
that i fell in love with you
when i knew that you
were miles away,
but mostly,
i’m not sorry
for the way things ended up
because i’d rather have you
one million miles away
than not being able
to have you at all.

This is a question
that I will never find the nerve
to answer.

I’d say that I’m tired of caring, but I’m not and I don’t want to lie to myself any longer.
I will have to face my past like it was paint on the wall
There are some friendships, that once broken, will never be able to be mended again. But I wonder then, was it ever a friendship to begin with? If it was so obviously propped up on a table that was already too weak to keep something from collapsing? I guess what I’ve been trying to say all along, is that I’m sorry, and even if you don’t want to accept my apology, at least call it a day and pretend that everything will be okay, sooner or later.

I bring up the past,
to make my future
feel better about itself.
But I need to learn
that my past
does not dictate
my future,
and my future
will be better off,
never hearing
from my past again.

So I will leave you with
three words,
that every person is able
to understand,
and make their own
assumption with —
I need you.

“Could have, should have, would have

i spend most of my time
wishing that i were with you,
as you’re wishing
you were with
someone else.

"Tell me, where was I wrong?"

I can’t remember
the last time
you told me
that you loved me,
and meant it.

"My mind has carried heavier things."

someone once told me
that you cannot miss
what you’ve never had
and if that’s the case,
why have i been yearning
for your presence
for as long as i have,
if you were never mine?

You want to live your life
out of vanity but you will never know
that you were born into a world
full of sins and mirrors,
and that sooner or later,
you were going to have to face yourself
and accept that there is no one like you.

I’ve loved someone like you,
once before.

If I weren’t in love with you,
then why would I spend
all of this time trying
to be close to you?
If you want me to,
I can wait for you.
I won’t complain
about the distance
because being inside
your arms for even a moment,
would be enough
for me to wait a lifetime.

you don’t have to ask
because i am already telling you.

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