now that a few of my deeply embedded psychological issues are all over my blog I feel much closer to the people that still follow me

"Pain always produces logic, which is very bad for you."

"You occupied my space. But because you were not in my present, when I looked into my future I saw… nothing. Isn’t that sad? And stupid?"

so I cry, hoping you’ll hear me

“and out of all these things I’ve done, I will love you better now” 

I knew it wasn’t too important, but it made me sad anyway.

What you do is take whatever luck comes your way and pretend
you know more than you ever will.

I’ve had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower I can’t quite make out what it is. It takes time.

"I knew I was in trouble when all of my dreams were either about dying or kissing you."

thank god I found the good in goodbye

You see things and say “Why?”
But I dream things that never are and say “Why not?"

"I know it’s over, and it never really began, but in my heart it was so real." 

Sometimes I look at all the poetry I’ve written about you and think how fucking stupid I must be to be so.. infatuated.

i’m not feeling comfortable with my relationship anymore. I don’t want to hurt him by leaving but i don’t want to keep hurting myself by staying.

Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose

Words are sacred. They deserve respect. If you get the right ones, in the right order, you can nudge the world a little.

Meanwhile in my head, I’m undergoing open-heart surgery.

For me there is always a sense that when this story ends maybe the whole world will end.”

your heart is the only place that I call home

every night
i dream of all
the people that
i used to love
and every morning
i ask myself
why i claim that 
i “used to” love them
because you don’t dream about people you’ve forgotten

forgive me for believing in
a past that was once the present
that has no hope of ever making its
way into the future 

my mouth is full of words
that i don’t want to speak,
- but that i want you to hear

 I have learned not to
make promises late at night.

love me, but do not
expect me to love you
in return - everything I
care for seems to leave
or burn; i am almost
always broken and i
make habits of emotions

 I draw butterflies on paper, because I'm convinced someday they'll fly. 

You wanted to kill yourself.

I didn’t let you.

End of story.

But I know what this is - 
I’ve felt it before
this is what loving you felt like

And I am trying
so very desperately
to do the thing that
is often called the
opposite of dying:

I am trying to live. 

birthday cakes without candles
because so many wishes were coming true,
it wasn’t fair to ask for any more

 today i can feel all the dreams that
                     were never realized; the stabbing pain
                     of words that were never spoken and the
                     baffling realization that the thing i thought
                     was “love” was only a part of my imagination

I hope you realize you give me a hell of a lot more credit than I deserve. It’s getting harder to let you do that.

I fall in love with the people who understand the parts of me that I could never explain in words.

praying, waiting,  hoping
for days when I can do
more than just

                                        pray
                                               wait
                                                       hope

all the good things in my life come with expiration dates

I always knew that if I was going to kill myself, I was going to do it right. I was going to do it so that those who loved me didn’t have to suffer and that those who hated me, well, realized the extremity of their words and actions. I had always wanted to leave a mark on the world and I in no way intended for that mark to be a scar. I wanted to make a difference — even if it was the last thing I did, and with suicide in mind…well, it would be the last thing I did.

“breathe.” she whispered
but the girl didn’t want to breathe
anymore

  You should have loved me the way I deserved. 

the problem is:
this isn’t
and never was
a joke 

you haven’t taken my place and you never will.

“We’ll talk later, you said,”
in this lifetime or the next? 

“We’ll talk later,” you said, but later…later never came.

 she finally stopped living her nightmare
but this is still one hell of a bad dream

It terrifies me that we live in a society that not only sees but thinks with their eyes.

You’re so afraid
to love something
fragile that you’d
rather break it
instead