Saturday. 

Sunlight woke me this morning, solely sunlight. No thoughts of you until keys turned, like warmed pillows and whispered dawn. Once again, I've been fading; and I fear I should fade softer still.

Sunday.

Feels like an erstwhile thought, less a buried memory. In love with half-shadows and the most incipient of daydreams. Honey-skies darken, and the deluge of winter begins; though it only ever sees the Oak as undressed and hushed.



We are rose-petal raindrops and dawn-hues, of ambient streetlights feigning break of day.
downtrodden in a hushed and susurrous haze; bird-caged revelry.
dazed and cofused, lain beneath silver-mooned cygnet wings.
the heralding stars a map of my eyes, like a subdued and loosely-strung harp;
bookshelf-hearts clouded with a recherché and fern-green mist.

unmask me, dizzy me.
know my heart shall stay shelved, dusty and everlonging.

You and I have tiny brass keys on our tongues, I'm not sure what they unlock. We flicker through wildflowers, through whispered hauntings, weary. Dappled foxes shadow us, assemblage amidst an ivory pastiche of pine trees and evening mist. They are distant renegades, they dwell in the moss-hills. Like wooden thicket-soldiers, blended camphor across stark canvas. You only live once.

Like fleeting, restless fawn, a melody.

We are aching with charred salacity,

and everyone can see it.

And you discover that this world

full of brilliant, alive people

is lonely.

And some of the other people

have found what they were made for

but we

are still alone, searching tirelessly

for what we were put here for.

What our purpose is.

Who our soul mate is.

Why.

The why

is what we need to know

preferably now.

And maybe when people say theres a light

at the end of the tunnel

maybe thats the why

maybe we live so we can die

love so we can lose

pray so we can be saved

Maybe that's the reason for living;

Save yourself.

I guess this is the worst part

because I'm laying here crying

and you're somewhere else, sleeping.

Tomorrow, when I wake up, it won't be connected to you

and when I wash my hair, it's not for you

and when I move these fingers

that you've held

that you've known

it is only for me.

Tonight I am my worst I've ever been.

Tonight I am broken.

Tonight you could look into my eyes and feel my pain.

And I keep lying to myself

Saying: Tomorrow

tomorrow, i will be my own person.

But I never will be again.

You are a part of me

which will never grow, shrink, be forgotten or replaced

You are a permanent tenant of my heart,

an extraordinary thought to forever tease my mind.

I could only love you,

and I did.

______________________________'

I haven't felt this way for such a long time.

I don't know what to think anymore.

I want to leave.

I want to stay.

I know who you are.

But I've lost myself.

________________________

As I grow up the more people I meet

the more I realize

that everybody is

the same.

I see people who remind me

of everybody else

which makes me worry

about who people see

when they see

me.

All I'm looking for

is that one person

who sees

me

when they look at me

and who is completely

unlike

everybody

else.

__________________________

A moment to remember.

A moment to forget.

A moment to die.

A moment to live.

______________________

I want to go butterfly hunting

Out away flying

catch them

in my net

keep them

fill them

with chemicals

hang them on my wall

Kill them.

Kill their beauty.

Take their freedom.

Break their hearts.

_________________________________

The pain...

It's not that real

or fierce

or pure.

The pain...

from the lies

the end

the loss.

The pain...

forever more

In my mind

in my heart

in my smile.

____________________________